symphony of life.

i hope i am truly seeing the stars align, and
not just hoping that i am seeing the stars align.

we turned at a dozen places,
for love is a duel,
and looked up at each other
for the last time.
jack kerouac.

compared to some others, i feel like i am dancing
a different dance through this life.
when i begin to stand still and take stock,
i fear that i want what i don't want to .. want.

but then i remember where and who i am,
who i am becoming,
and that life is not just what it is now.
that this journey is only beginning,
and i have found freedom, hope, and life,
joy, beauty, and most of all, Love,
in this still point of this life.

the colors around me swirl and spin,
coloring in the grey that i once only saw.
they paint a symphony of life
that when i close my eyes ..
the world lights up,
catches me in its twirling grasp,
begging for my attention.
i grab my breath .. this
Love brings me to tears.

[photo credit to blaise vincz.]

[i adore this journey
& my company makes
it all worth it.]

kristinelaine.

except for the point,
the still point,
there would be no dance,
and there is only the dance.
t.s. eliot.

sister winter.

but my heart is
returned to sister winter.

and my friends, i've
returned to wish you all the best.
and my friends, i've
returned to wish you a happy christmas.
[sufjanstevens.]

but seriously,
happy christmas, loves.

kristinelaine.

Vivacious.

Big movements happening in this life.

A week long voyage has brought me back to San Diego, only for me to realize that this is finally my home.

Finally my home.

Who would have thought that I would be saying that about any place?  Flying in from Seattle, my heart jumped for joy as the ocean drew me back west.

But I had this creeping sensation that was burrowing a hole in my heart, a realization that I am being called away from the only place I am longing to stay.

An email today confirmed that.  San Francisco's liveliness and charm, as enticing as it is, pales in comparison to the life I have found in my friendlies here.  But it seems that to San Fran I go.

It's about time that some clarity befits itself upon me.  Even some self-induced clarity.

On to more important matters.  Back to the midwest for nearly a month in the morning, and my heart is trying to keep itself attached and whole as I say goodbye to the most beautiful people in the world.

My heart swells and groans, melts and reforms.  And through it all, I have to believe it is all for something more.

Trying for love,

k.

Roman vagabond.

Tomorrow I begin yet another journey.

At times, wanderlust can be all-consuming. But there are voices calling me to stay, and the lump in my throat is weighing me down.

There is a beauty in a family being strewn across a country. Across a world. But there is a strain when the hands you hold are so far apart. Then there is a choice of where to break.

This just came back to me from one of my very favorite books, Extremely Loud and Incredible Close. It's my heart's whisper at the moment ...

we need much bigger pockets, i thought as i lay in bed ... we need enormous pockets, pockets big enough for our families, and our friends, and even the people who aren't on our lists, people we've never met but still want to protect. we need pockets for boroughs and for cities, a pocket that could hold the whole universe.

Can someone just invent one of those, please?

This is all very dramatic. Too dramatic for my taste.

So I'm off to Omaha, Salt Lake City, Seattle, San Diego, San Francisco, and all the streets, highways, and smiles between. The symphony of the universe keeps unveiling itself to me, twisting and dancing in the melodies it paints. It leaves me in wonder and awe, drawing me in.

That's why I love.
It's what I love, how I love.

It is Love.

Road, play me a song.
Adventure, sing me a sonnet.
Life .. dance with me.

k.

A thought for every second in the day.

So here's a lowdown on the next two weeks.

Until Tuesday .. San Diego loving. Soaking it in.
Tuesday .. flying to Omaha.
Wednesday/Thursday .. driving to Seattle. With a bestie from college.
Friday .. old company and laughing at it all. Back to SD.
Saturday/Sunday .. San Francisco joy!
Monday .. San Diego goodbyes. Shit.
Tuesday through middle of January .. Midwest.

I am about to make a giant triangle across the western part of the country. And I am afraid it will be a whirlwind of relationships. At this point in my life, I am excited to see faces again, to laugh and remember.

But ... I am wanting - no, I am aching - for the real stuff. For the deep relationships that I have pushed away for so long. That have been so easy to pretend aren't necessary, aren't important.

Goodbyes are beginning to be what breaks me down. And it is almost too much to bear to think about coming back to San Diego in another month and these faces won't be here.

Again.

I am so blessed. I really am blessed. I could not be more grateful for the life I lead and the beauty that my friends infuse into my life.

But I need them close to me. I need people who aren't going to leave. And I won't leave them. But I am forgetting how to have those relationships, and I don't know when I myself will be staying in one place.

Do you ever have points where life just seems to wear you down? Not because anything is too bad, but perhaps simply because there are too many possibilities? There is too much to be lost when everyone says goodbye?

My real search for community is only beginning. A solid, non-transient one. The intimacy I fear is the stuff that is necessary and beautifully difficult. It's been both too easy and too hard to put that off.

And there is that one that I will miss more than the rest. I am tired of just forgetting possibilities with him, too.

Ugh. Life keeps messing with me. And the other people I love. It just gets exhausting, seeing everyone struggle. I know, I know that it has its beauty. That these points are necessary. There are just those days that remind you that life isn't the picture you have wanted it to be for so long. That there are struggles and it is ok to feel deeply about those struggles, both your own and those of the ones you love dearly.

I am waiting for a day when questions cease and my mind can rest ... but until then, adventure beckons once again. And like always, I cannot say no.
k.

six word #two.

Tea.
Scheming.
Baking.
Laughing.
Grateful.
Alive.