Sunday, June 28, 2009

no..

it hurts.

turns out i can't block goodbyes from affecting my heart.
even when i know my path is leading his way soon.

the end of an era is never easy to welcome.
even wearing teal instead of black..
i can't tell if my
heart hurts..
or if it's just..

... numb.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

pinhole.

i'm not going to lie, sometimes i feel like life is unnecessarily tumultuous.

but i'm always proven wrong.

san diego seems to have change that is always whistling through the air. nothing here ever seems stable, and it's a fact that now i am starting to recognize, i need to run from.

at least for now.

my life has been nothing but unstable for the past ... forever. which i have embraced and played with. but i am beginning to think that this is the time to stay for a while. to learn how to breathe deeply and hold hands. because the relationships that i have formed here end too quickly for my heart to bare, and this next goodbye is one that has hit me the hardest in quite a while.

but with these goodbyes comes an end to an era. i know in my heart it is time for me to move from this spot. now comes the expected lesson in patience. because if i do hear the call as i think i do, now comes the wait on the follow through.

it's hard for me to describe exactly what place i am at my life right now, or exactly what i am feeling. i think that is why i find myself expressing my thoughts through tiny poems and outbursts of emotion. i keep getting the excited feeling that something huge is about to come my way, and that i will fit somewhere. for once. i'm just working on the peace and patience that i feel the need to have while i wait.

so much of these past couple of years has been focused on change and constant redefinition of myself that i have to wonder why this time it is so much harder, why it's harder for me to take. but i think i thought that this was it for a while. i think i thought that the stability and me that was brought out with that one, that was going to get me through. but i have to realize that this time, i'm on my own. that going alone into the universe will make me ... me. and that's what i need to be focused on at this point.

so here's to the next big step in the universe. a few weeks and i think i'll head north. with nothing but a little in the bank to back me this time. and a few phone numbers i can call with precious faces behind them.

that's all for now.
k.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

everything is about to change..

.. again.

[butterflies..]

Monday, June 8, 2009

time,
steady your
shaking,
anxious
hand.

breathe the calm
of treading
the moment.

guide my wandering
thoughts,
trace his eyes
to mine,
and bring this
frightened
heart
home.

[time, take 2.]

Thursday, June 4, 2009

time,
steady your hand,
stay your blow,
just this once,
love, please.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

praying to the showerhead once again.
hands held open,
as if welcoming, waiting for this rain.
a cleanse,
a fresh start.

a conscious decision to stare up yet again,
to dive into the confusion of that which is unseen.
universe, speak.
god, who?

as the old, closed tunnel reforms into a bright, new path,
it is not me who brings me back.
not this time.

it is for you..

universe, guide.
god, love.