hello, sunshine.

day two in san diego.

i am currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop in the area, eating a delicious bowl of granola and fruit, sipping on a cup of coffee, and marveling at the fact that a man just walked in who looks like the spitting image of dave from 'flight of the conchords'. what a place.

so needless to say, chelsea and i made it out to san diego. we roadtripped out here, which turned out to look compeltely different than we expected (i told you so). i saw people who are incredibly dear to me, and saw them for longer than i had even dared to hope for. it refreshed me, but also makes me wish for their presence even now. all in all, the road trip was good, but i can honestly say i am glad to be out of a moving vehicle. for the first time in months.

coming out here was not an easy decision for me, and there were many, many times i doubted if this is where i am supposed to be. even to the point where while i was in northern california, i almost dropped it all and just stayed. it would have been simple. but i reached a point where i may have actually heard God whisper to me, you'll see, answering my question of as to why i am going to be in san diego.

while i was in iowa, all i could tell people about my plan is that i know - or i think i know - i am supposed to go back to san diego. to talk to these people about a community. and to search out what comes next.

i don't know why.

but i think ... i think something is moving. i have felt it for the past few months. that something is moving, waking up in this world. maybe it is just within my group of friends. the beautiful community that is being birthed by those who i have experienced invisible children with. the people back home that i can talk to about the breathtaking, haunting realization that there is something more than what we are living for right now.

to be honest, when i was back in iowa, i had to be very, very real with God. tell Him i had no idea what He was thinking, that i am going back to a place i don't necessarily want to go, and that i was not going to have the people around me that i wanted. specific people. and i came to the incredibly obvious realization that i was being asked to take the hard road. finally. but the 'ard road', i believe, is just a way of saying that i don't know what the future holds. it is a representation of what learning to trust looks like.

so while i had eight full days on the road to think, process, regret, hope, and be excited at the same time, i had less than 24 hours in san diego before i was challenged. before i had the conversation that i have been praying and hoping for ... for weeks. i was able to express that i am feeling the same way, hoping for the same things, asking the same questions. and i once again was part of the dreaming process. surrounded by people who are not afraid to look at the expected, laugh at it, and go beyond.

i know i have to be a part of it.

whatever the future holds, i am getting excited for the adventure. i am accepting that i may be in san diego for a while. i may be here for just a few weeks. but i am getting ready to experience what is coming next. not just experience it ... but to live it.

i am learning to love the people that are in my life. that it is ok to ache for someone that is not present, to wish for their part in the big thing that is taking place here. but to be grateful for who i have.

i must move. i cannot sit still.
it's going to be good.
and i can feel it.

also, i need to get a job.

so here's to day two in san diego. it's going to be an adventure, and i have no idea what it is going to look like.

but that's ok.

ohboy.
kristin.

it's time ... for california stars yet again.

in less than twelve hours, i set out on a new adventure.

here's what i am expecting along the way.

iowa to wyoming. dear friend, hiking, swiming, soaking in nature.

wyoming to salt lake city. exploring, salt lake swimming, temple going.

salt lake city to the great salt flats. requires a picture if nothing else.

great salt flats through nevada. falling asleep at the wheel.

nevada to sacramento. chelsea sees her friend. i am anxious for tomorrow.

sacramento to modesto. meeting up with a person who means the world to me. embracing him and never letting go.

modesto to san francisco. the strongest three-way embrace with him and my other incredible teammate. it's time to breathe again. exploring the city.

san francisco down the coast. dude. big sur. santa cruz. sunsets over the most beautiful coast i have ever seen.

and finally, san diego. learning how to settle. finally learning that it is ok to make a home. missing people up north. loving the people down south.

the beautiful thing about road trips is that you never know what will come. sure i am going to see these places, but every place will be a mystery that is just waking up when we are coming through.

i am ready to be on the road again. i have been itching for adventure for far too long. to sleep beneath the stars. to smoke and talk. and to laugh, oh to laugh again, so so much.

i am ready to breath again.

to start this part of life.

to remember who i was, to keep those remnants, and to move on from there.

to become myself.

to the road.

(!!!!!)

see you in california.

k.

i'd like to dream all my all my troubles away

on a bed of california stars

jump up from my starbed and make another day

underneath my california stars.

[i'm ready for more of this ... ]

i need more grace than i thought.

so much.
so much is happening.

i lay awake in bed for far too long last night, things just streaming through my mind. this is unique; i am usually able to block things out, to fall asleep nearly immediately. i was over watching tv, too distracted to read, and really did not want to listen to music.

i am restless.

restless in that i want to move. i fear i am becoming too comfortable here. spending too much money on the frivolous. watching too much television. not forming the solid relationships i am craving. i am finally seeing friends, but i see them for a lunch and then i know i will be waiting another three years before i see them again. for the most part.

but i am also restless in my thoughts and how i feel. i am restless because i know i want to say something and i want to know. but i am not sure i can face reality. that's dramatic, huh? restless in that i am craving that community that i keep speaking of, but it hit me last night as i stared at my fake stars that i am not sure i know who that community is going to be in san diego. who will be the first person i call to hang out with when i get back?

but honestly, through this whole thing, i feel as if i have been whining. pointing out the horrible facts of the situation, ones that really are not that bad at all. it is as if i am not able to have things exactly my way, and i am just going to cry about it.

i realized, as i broke in the shower the other day, that i am living life. yes, i know how i would love for things to work out for me. i don't want what a lot of people want: i don't want to settle down. i don't want to fall in love so i can have the white picket fence, i don't want to fall in love so we can have kids and raise our family to be the beautiful american dream. i want adventure. i would love him by my side, but the fact is that nothing ever works the way we want them to.
ok that was a detour. what i was trying to say is that although i know how i would like things to work out, that is not the way that they are going to work out. that would be way too simple. and incredibly predictable.

ugh, why did i not realize that before? this is life, after all.

but i realized that this is the hard road. the road that life, that my Beloved, is taking me down. it should not be surprising that i am going to be uncomfortable. that i am not going to be living with the people i would like to live with. that i am not going to be surrounded by the community of my team and the people that are fueling me constantly. no. instead, i am going to have to rely on God.

great.

this came in a moment of sweet revelation. and honestly, surprisingly, it brought a great amount of relief. it was a reminder, as i sat beneath the pounding water, my tears mixed in with the shower water, of how to live life. that i really do want to be where He wants me to be. and that it is so damn hard at times. but it was there that i was actually honest with God in a really, really long time.

i am not sure if much of this makes sense. i think it is me thinking through a lot of things, needing to write them down so i don't forget in another month's time why i believe it to be so important that i am in san diego. as i mentioned before, i hear the faint call of only a short time in this area, and perhaps that is a figment of my imagination, but i am truly waiting to hear the whisper of the Beloved as i both wait and search for where i am led next.

i am ready to move out of myself yet again.
california stars, i am ready to lay beneath you yet again.
pacific, i am going to breathe you in and not let you out.
community, i am seeking you out. because i need the life you bring.

dear giver of Grace, i am trying to rely on You once more.

what is this life?
what is this Love?

i am ready for more.
again.

k.

creating adventure.

ok, God, i am getting impatient. i guess i am ready to see something fall into place. not that i am expecting it ... but yet i am. so far in my life, You have gently guided me along. closing some doors, encouraging me to take others.

i see nothing right now.

i am feel as if i should go to san diego. but in my mind, i hear the faint whispering of only for a while. how long is that? and is that me or You? i know that i am anxious to move around. anxious to experience something new. and afraid of what i could become if i do not find myself the community that i desire.

but what will You bring next? i see things in my loves. a microbrewery ... or australia (or england). teaching. a bookstore. school. a bike trip.

and for me, God? i am not trying to be selfish here. i really am not. all i am asking for is a little guidance. ok, so here i go to san diego, soon. is there a job there? anything with invisible children? nepal? come on, throw me a bone. i will take a coffee shop. an independent book store. hell, i will be a secretary. anything but corporate america, please. no more bath and body works.

are you trying to teach me patience, God? i know how to be patient, i really do. i think you have tried to teach me that before. but the thing is - and this may be a little harsh, God - but ... i don't want to be patient. i want to know. i want to know where You want me to go. i want to know what You want me to do. i want to know what is going to tug my heart next. when can i go to africa? when can i start serving people again? i know it's unreasonable, but i am getting anxious.

please, God. just a little attention here. throw a glance my way? speak into the breeze that passes by my ear. a little something in the morning mist would do just fine. even a dream. well, that might be a little frightening. ok, whatever You think best. i am trying to listen ... just when i get bored, i turn something on. i haven't been able to hear You for a while now. my path has been pretty ... well, obvious, until now.

i know You love me. i know there is something out there. and i really do know i cannot sit back and just wait for You to drop something in my lap. i must work, must look, must seek. but God, it's pretty hard. i just would love a little direction.

and if i could ask for one more thing, God, it would be for clarity. well, buried inside that request hides several others. for clarity in feelings, in hope, in intentions, actions. what i should and shouldn't hope for. and honestly, if you could have him speak his mind and me speak mine - with no complications on our friendship - that would be absolutely amazing. bordering on perfection.

it's been a while now since i have felt this frustrated. i know i need to make decisions and follow them. but i have no options that i can see to make decisions based on. it is very ... draining. i am in a position right now where i am suffocating in lack of adventure, community, and a certain form of support. and it has made life a little weary. sleeping is difficult to do - not because i am tired, but because i feel like i am wasting time. but while i am awake, i have nothing to do. nothing to work for.

i need to breathe.

not like this, not like i had intended for this break.

i need to breath ...

life again.

i cannot wait to see a certain two loves in a couple of weeks again. and after that, i cannot wait to re-enter that community for a fourth time. but i know this time it will be very different than ever before. surrounded by different people, but people i am excited to invest in and get to know more and more. excited to share in their dreams and find out how i can be involved in them. to hear how the Beloved is speaking to them and how they are working His Love in this world. i hope this will begin yet another adventure in this life, and perhaps give me the clarity and hope i am asking for.

so in short ... i need to get back to california. if i had it my way, i would be driving there tomorrow. i have a backpack full of clothes and a box full of books for my backseat. my cameras spread across the car. and an atlas for my lap. maybe a little gas money would help, but besides that, i am craving the company of my community yet again.

i am seeking new life. i am afraid that it is on hold until i return to the coast. how do i make it begin now? otherwise, i am treading water in a pool of expectations for another two weeks. i need to challenge myself while wading in this pool. while waiting for a new life yet again.

time to create a new adventure.

oh, boy.
k.

p.s. i need to hear a certain voice soon. i ache.

dearest ic family.

so here i am, finally at 'home'. after a beautiful few months on the road, a crazy week of debriefing, and then an epic road trip up the coast, i have made it back to iowa where i intend to spend a couple of weeks. and then i hope to figure out this thing called life.

anyways.

this past week, i spent a dream week traveling through a place that is only comparable to neverland: the california coast. i traveled with three dear friends, and it was nothing short of epic, amazing, and life-changing. but the brutal fact is that at some point, i have to return to reality. and so i did. it came as i could hardly tear myself away from a dear teammate on the streets of san francisco, clung to another at the airport, and could barely let go of a friend as i departed for my flight.

as i sat on the flight, ironically returning from san francisco to a place i had just come from (by the name of los angeles), i continued thinking. i began to realize the full impact of being alone for the first time ... in a really long time. for the first time, i didn't have my friends with me. i didn't have them with me to tell me i was being stupid, that i was being emotional, that i was talking too loudly on a dune while tresspassing. i didn't have them with me to make me laugh, to show me how to live, to be my supports.

frankly, i felt very, very alone.

as i flew out of california, i began a list of things that i thought about. a kind of stream-of-consciousness thing. what went through my mind as i was shedding this era of my life. i will spare you the gory deatils, but it basically states the obvious: i miss you, you, and you. and especially you. i wish i could have stated the unsaid, but i am just too afraid. that i don't want a normal life (brought to light by the immense amount of business men and women around me). i still had sand on me from the california beaches. that i kept crying. and oh wait, i miss you guys.

and also, that i finally remembered that only HE is enough.

so as i sit here at home, with - for the moment - only my cat as a companion, i miss you all. so much more than i can say. i miss the life we have led together for the past few months, especially for the past week. and i wish that some things didn't have to change, and that we would never have to be jerked out of neverland. i wish that i didn't regress back into who i was before all this life came to culmination, but i fear that i can already feel it beginning. i wish i didn't have to fear what we will become in the future. and i wish that i could tell you all what you mean to me, but i am not sure how to do that. i am not good at expressing my feelings, especially to the people who mean the most to me.

but as i prepare to step into this next stage - whatever it looks like - i know that i will never be able to forget the journey i have traveled the past few months. and more than that, i know i will never be able to forget the sweet, beautiful relationships i have found myself immersed in. yes, there were hard times. and yes, we disagree on some things. but the fact remains that the reason i fear of slipping back into who i was before is because i was changed by you. and i am beginning to see who i can become someday because you have challenged me. and forced me to grow. even when i wished i could just sit back and breathe for once.

i cannot tell you who i will become. and i cannot tell you if we will be friends in another month, year, or ten years from now. but i do know that these past few months have meant more to me than a culmination of several years of my life. i know that i have grown more in the past few months than i have in the most formative years of my life. that i was challenged more than i have ever been. that i will miss you all more than i have ever missed anyone before.

i have begun to experience what community is. what being transparent, honest, and open is like. and what beauty and relief that brings. i know this community is not perfect, but it is the closest i have ever been to seeing the face of God on this earth. because i know in my heart that He rests and resides in this place. and i know that He is planning something huge for this world with and because of the people involved in this movement.

so thank you, beloved friends. i cannot imagine who i would be right now without you all in my life. you have made me into more of me than i have ever been in my life. you have challenged me to live free and to live full. you have made me realize that i need to start living intentionally, and to not rest in that aspiration.

i love you all.
so, so much.

(this is especially for my dear team: suzi, filipe, and kevin. i don't know if i can get the courage to actually send this to you ... )

change begins.

so the adventure has ended.
an era has ended in my life.
and i am not sure what to do now.

i am home for a couple of weeks, which i suppose is a good thing. it is beautiful to see my family again, and i am excited to see my friends throughout the midwest. truly.

but to wake up in the morning - or afternoon - and not have anything to do, not have my dear friends to turn to, not have any adventure to begin, is more than slightly overwhelming.

for the past four months, i have either woken up in a house of over fifty people, in a stranger's home that is housing my three closest loves, or in a car with three incredible friends. believe me when i tell you that waking up alone and without this close, tight-knit group is much, much harder than i anticipated.

i discovered while on tour that i want to be around people who make me alive. i need it in order to grow. i need to keep growing, to keep being challenged, to be around the people who do those things to me. here at home, i hate to say it, but i am not around those people. i have friends that i will visit that wake me up in certain areas of growth and in my life, but i am too easily complacent here. it is too simple for me to slip back into a period in my life that i simply do not want to revisit.

but it is not home that i fear the most, as it is here that i am only visiting. soon i will return to san diego for an untold amount of time, and it is there that i am seeking refuge and solace in order to process this life i have lived for the past few months. and it is here that i hope to continue to grow and seek guidance for my future.

but again ... i want to be around those who make me alive. who make me grow. who make me ... me. but i fear that i have lost those people. one has gone to the desert: my source of comfort and wisdom. another has gone to san francisco: my source of challenge in knowledge and the way i act. and yet a precious another has retreated to the central valley of california: my source of joy, growth, frustration, and life.

so herein lies the dilemma. i can follow them. i really can. i am not connected anywhere, i have no commitments, save an apartment that i have already warned the residents that i may bail on. i have no job, no family, no real set of friends there.

or i can make my own life. i can separate myself from them, let them be themselves, and therein become myself ... in a way that is separate from them.

i know what i would like to do. it is so easy to be a leech. it is so easy to be the one that doesn't create her own path.

it is so simple to be that girl.

but then something can backfire. they may not stay there. i may rediscover yet again that they mean more to me than i mean to them. and then i may discover what i am realizing now - that i need to be my own person.

but how do i stay in their lives? i ten to be a little overbearing ... i tend to miss people more than they miss me. i tend to hurt ... and i ache right now. ache so much.

i miss them.

in the airport on the way home, a dear friend said to me that yes, this is difficult, and yes, this is a crazy transition. but to take comfort in the fact that God is a God of change.

damn it, ad, let me mope.

but i don't want to leave this era behind. but i must. someone must take my place in his life. and his. and hers. and that sucks. where will we all be a month from now?

i need you guys.
i miss you guys.
i love you all so damn much.
i am hurting without you.

it is time to begin a new era, but i am not sure what that will look like. all i know is that i must begin to live more intentionally, because i know that it is going to take more effort than ever to continue this growth. to not slip back into who i was before. because that darkness scares me. and i must begin to become myself. or continue becoming myself.

the processing has begun.

off to eat with my mother.
k.

via chicago.

my dearests.

here i am, leaving chicago for the last time on this tour. kevin is driving, suzi is navigating, filipe is sleeping, and i am reflecting on how beautiful this tour has been.

it has been almost three months that i have lived in this van. lived a life full of adventure, uncertainty, insecurity, displacement, joy, and pain. all mixed in together. at times, i will admit, it was overwhelming. and at times, all i wanted was a good friend from home to cry or laugh with. but at times - so many times i cannot even count - i wished that this would never end. and i am at this point now.

it is the strangest thing. these three vagabonds have become my family. so much more than i ever expected, and it is the most dangerous thought to think about not seeing them again for a long time after this. we have learned to live with each other and love each other through everything. we have learned how to bring up things that should offend, but to work through them and admit that we are wrong. to extend forgiveness. to laugh at each other. and at ourselves. so much.

i wish i could let you guys in on some of my life these past few months. i wish that you could have spent some time with these three incredible people. and i wish that these past three months hadn't been so far away from so many people that i love. but it is coming to the next stage in my life, and as much as i am not ready to move forward, sometimes life gives us no choice but to do so.

so with no expectations, i am creeping toward life after invisible children. i am moving to san diego with my good friend, amy, and to be honest, i have no idea how long i will be there. or what i am doing. or who i am going to be friends with. or who i will be seeing.

or what love will look like in this next stage.

isn't it funny how love evolves? how it grows? how it changes and how you grow through it all?

so here we go to san diego. to a new stage of life for all of us. to learning to welcome change.

love you all.
kristin.

i'm going home, via chicago.
i'm searching for a home, via chicago.
jeff tweedy, 'via chicago'