with a touch of urgency ...

Dearest Family and Friends,

I hope that this finds you all well. I wish that I was up to date on all of your lives, and I hope to hear more about what is going on in your lives. Here is a little update on mine, with an urgent request. I am sorry about the length, but I would be honored if you would take a few minutes to read this.

As many of you know, I have recently moved out to California, where I have continued volunteering and working with the non-profit organization I have worked with over the past three years, Invisible Children, Inc. Invisible Children is working with the northern part of Uganda, Africa, where a civil war has been raging for the past 22 years, making it the longest running war in Africa. This war, although extremely complicated, has involved a rebel army called the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) and the government of Uganda. The LRA has been abducting children to be used as child soldiers, forcing them to fight in a war that they care nothing about.

I have been working with Invisible Children for the past three years in varying degrees, but the past few months I have been on the road with them, traveling with a team of close friends, living out of a van and working with the youth of America. We gave speaking presentations to high school youth and college aged students, as well as many churches and youth groups, helping them to understand social activism and the ways that they can get involved. I strongly believe in this organization as an outlet as the hands and feet of Christ, bringing social justice, peace, and the love of Christ to not only the youth of this nation, but also to the people of northern Uganda.

I have since ended this tour and am now searching for what to do next. While I have been helping Invisible Children plan upcoming national tours, I have also been working with a close group of friends who are seeking to do the work of Jesus through what we like to call 'creative action'. We are experimenting with ways to love people, and how to do it creatively. All of us have worked with Invisible Children at some point, but are now pursuing other dreams that are bound to change the world. We have spent the past couple of months desperately seeking God and how to share His love, and are in the process of dreaming up many different projects that are taking place both in San Diego and around the world. I have never seen God work in a way that is so obvious and beautiful as I have seen Him work in this close community of friends.

Through my work with Invisible Children and my growing understanding of the situations taking place throughout the world, I have been wanting to go to Uganda for quite some time. My heart is very attached to the people of this beautiful country, and it has been my great privilege to be able to work with and for them for the past few years. Although I have had several opportunities to go and participate in trips to Uganda, I have never felt that the time was right. But at this time, I now have the chance to go to Uganda through the community that we have been developing. One of the projects that our community is working on is creating a line of children's books that are set to tell the stories of children around the world, starting with the children of northern Uganda. Our theory behind these books is that we are realizing that as people of past generations have escaped to the beauty of imaginary worlds such as Middle Earth and Narnia through storytelling, we are hoping to help bring to light the beauty that exists in our own world through the telling of true stories. While this is still in the very early stages of creation, it is just one of our projects that I know is going to be both enlightening and life changing to so many people.

While in Uganda, I would be working to set up this project, talking to the people of Uganda about their stories, and encouraging children to start telling their own. We will be coordinating a contest of sorts for children to start writing creatively, and when a winning story is picked, start the process of publishing it. The story will be available to the people of Uganda in Lwo, their own language, and will be translated into English to be available in the United States. The original idea was that when one book is purchased in the United States, a parallel book will be given to a child or a library in Uganda. This idea is under construction, as we are in the process of talking to different publishers and ideas are still formulating. As this is only starting in Uganda, there will be many other stories from around the world that will be shared, including from countries such as Burma, Nepal, and more. It will be an incredible way for people to become educated and familiar with other cultures around the world, creating a closer feeling of community throughout the people of the world, as well as giving people voices in areas that have never really been exposed before. I am very excited to see where this takes us and how this will affect change.

While I am excited and ready to do this, I need help. As I have been on the road as a volunteer, worked as an unpaid intern, and been a college student over the past few years, I am very much lacking on financial funding. I am turning to you, dear friends and family, for any support I can get. Especially including financial support. Please understand that I know what it is like to be poor and being constantly asked for support and money by so many people, so I do understand if you are unable to support me at this time.

But I also do believe that a lot of smalls add up to one big amount. If each of my friends could donate several dollars, that would help significantly.

The thing is, I need help very, very quickly. Abnormally quickly. The plan is to leave on September 2, which is coming up incredibly soon, and I would be staying for approximately six weeks, doing work in Uganda. I am in need of about $3000, including travel prices and living expenses while in Uganda.

At this moment, I am not asking for your money. I am just interested to know if you feel you can support me. Please email me at kristininthesky@gmail.com and let me know what you are thinking. If you think you can support me financially, please include an amount that you think you can give. If you can't, I would love to know you are praying for and/or thinking of me. This is a journey that I am fully trusting God is guiding me on, and it means so much that you would be lifting me up in prayer.

If I get enough pledged support within a few days, I will commit to going and then you can actually give me the money. But at the moment, I do not feel comfortable taking your money without a promise of actually going. Also, if you want to hear more about what our community is doing, more about the project that I am embarking on, more about Invisible Children, or just want to chat, I would love to hear from you, as well.

Thank you so much for making it through this email, and I truly hope you are well. One of my biggest regrets is that I am out of the loop in so many of your lives, and I wish I could be involved more. Please let me know how you are doing, and please know I love each of you very much and I am grateful for any time we have been able to spend together. You have each impacted my life in so many ways, and I am so grateful.

Thank you again, and I hope to hear from you soon.

in Love,
kristin lorey.
kristininthesky@gmail.com

4am musings.

life is funny.

it seems that there is a sort of clarity that comes when you least expect it. like when driving home at four in the morning, an empty interstate drawing one toward the coast.

maybe it isn't necessarily clarity, but perhaps a shift in perspective.

a palm tree sticks out with a shady sillhouette. and it hits me for maybe the second time in one week ... i am in san diego.

what?

and then i begin to wonder how i got here. my mind drifts and rediscovers the delight in the relationships i have formed here. remembers the times we all danced in a newfound freedom. and then rests upon the relationships that are presently budding.

beauty is exposed in the newest of ways. and i love discovering those ways. sometimes i think i need to remember to turn off the music and listen to the silence. because when i really think about it, it is silence that has spoken more truth to me than anything else.

there is a Sound there that is not present anywhere else. at least to some degree.

on another note, i sense things are changing. a contentment is creeping in without any warning, except that a presence has returned to san diego that i have missed for over three months now. his laughter warmed my soul tonight more than anything else could have. but beyond that, i am seeing that a place is being created for me in this community, at least for these several upcoming months. i am forseeing myself nestling down and drawing in close the relationships that will be sticking around through the end of this year, and i am beginning to agree with the idea more and more.

the journey is leveling out for a while, only to become more adventurous in the near future. i do hope.

i am starting to dream big ... and not letting anything stop me.

i am beginning to open my eyes yet again, and straining to see the beauty in even the smallest of things. it is a challenge i am welcoming. far too long have i settled for the past when the present is quickly passing me by.

i am welcoming you home, although this welcome will soon turn into another goodbye. i do not know who we are in the eyes of the universe, but i am content simply with you being here.

and now i must sleep.
.k.

you.

dear you,

it finally feels like home when you're around.
please, do you have to leave?

and really, why the hell do you mean so much to me?

oh, that's right ..
.. you mean the world to me.

k.

p.s. thanks for reminding me how to laugh, truly laugh, again. it has been too too long.

an answer, please?

i wish there was some way to calm this searching heart.
to soften the ache that starts so quickly and spreads so slowly. but efficiently.

i wish i could be the one to take a deep breathe and convince myself that it will all work out.
that tomorrow will come, and it will be beautiful.

i wish i could live all moments remembering purpose.
to make decisions that are based in that premise.

i wish that i did not have to join the system in order to survive.
to work needless jobs to pay a needless rent to live this hopeful life.

i could spend tomorrow here or there.
which is right?

i could spend this week here or there.
is there an answer?

i could spend this life with my head down, just making my way along.
or i could spend it searching, looking for the beauty and ways to serve.

i could spend this fall in california or in africa.
it could be really simple.

first i need to figure out whether i should spend the next few days living in joy with loved ones, or return to san diego to pursue a job and money.

damn damn damn.

i sometimes wish life had an answer. i love adventure, but some sense would be nice sometimes.

i'm sleeping in sacramento tonight. that's all i know.
k.

dreamer.

i feel most alive ...
... in the presence of fellow dreamers.
i dream the most ...
... in the presence of those who dig deep.
i need to be ...
... constantly in that place.

i need to be constantly dreaming.
remembering others.
not settling.

i forget that all too easily. and nights like tonight, people like sean and lisa, and the others who are participating ... they help me remember.

and begin anew.

to living life.
k.

way of love.

life has been so interesting lately.
and by interesting, i mean ... boring.

i stood on my porch tonight, smoking a cheap cigarette, and wondering if this is what i am supposed to be doing. if here is where i am supposed to be. if this is the life i am supposed to be given.

as i stared up at the sky, the clouds illuminated by the millions of lights below it, i realized something that i have barely given thought to as of late. that i have one life, that i have been gifted this life, and i want to live it right.

i went to church a couple of weeks ago, and the pastor said something to the effect of 'you have one life, but if you live it right, one is enough.' i just took it as a cliche statement then, but the gravity of it started to weight on me tonight. am i living it right? will this be enough?

another dear friend of mine has stated that in her life, she wants to get to the end and not have anything left to give. to do everything she can to love and to help others live to their fullest.

i feel like the past few weeks i have been doing more than settling. i have been comfortable settling. and i hate that. i have been ok with sitting on my computer, searching for jobs, and staring alternatively at the computer and tv screen. all while my former life slips away. i start to forget what it is like to live. to have adventure. to pour into someone's life. to see someone's face light up when they finally just get it. they start to understand what life is about.

i miss that life.

but lately i have begun to realize that i have been pining too too much for the past. i miss it immensly. i miss certain people to the core of me. but i have to start living here. i have to start making a new life. i can miss the old, i can value it, but i need something that i can start living for now. because living for the past is living in it, and that is just wasting time, life, and vision.

i have always said that i do not regret anything. i certainly have wished for other things in my life, and wished that i would have made other decisions. but i am beginning to regret this. and i hate that. i am longing to be in another place. i love san diego, i love the ocean, and i love the people here. but after a month of it, i am dissatisfied. but maybe it's ok ... maybe this is the uncomfortableness i was searching for, and it is disguised.

but i begin to wonder. why was i so ready to stay in the northern part of california? why do people keep saying that they could see me living in san francisco? why is it that my ideals and values fit more with that culture and lifestyle than they do down here? why didn't i live only an hour away from someone who i could see myself with ... why am i seven hours away, and i could have missed out on something incredible? maybe nothing would have happened, but at least i would have given it a chance.

i think .. starting right now, i am going to look for jobs elsewhere. i have always warned people that i might not stay down here for long. maybe this is the start of it. maybe when i go up north with katie in a couple of weeks, i stay there for a while and see what happens. maybe i will find myself right back down here.

i know i have said that i wanted to be in san diego for the development of this community. that is the primary reason i am here, to be blatant. and when i think about that, when i talk about it, when i am in the presence of fellow dreamers, i feel at home. finally. but ... i ache. it's hard to describe. do i stay around for that? or search for something else, somewhere else? do i take this and bring it to another part of the country? not that i can forsee myself as being the forerunner of this movement, but i think with the help of others who see the same way, something could happen.

but then there is this other longing in my life. africa. uganda. nepal.
but then there is this constant lacking of ... money. to make it all happen.

and then there is this hope ... for company through it all.

God, where are you? where am i? what is this all?

we all have some purpose here. i have no idea what i am doing here, how i am being used. but that is a prayer, isn't it? to be used? we talked about that one night. to ask God to use you is the scaries prayer to pray. i am not one to pray much, to be honest, but i prayed that. and i still do. and i am still ... waiting to see how that works out. i wonder if we ever really see it? in full?

so much is in my heart right now. and so much has been masked and dulled in the past few weeks by the frustration of failure, the blinding lights of media, and the constant sounds that i am surrounded by. i need a retreat of some sort. i need a good conversation with someone who truly knows me. i need an embrace and a shoulder.

i need to be real again.

i think i am always thinking about myself. but introspection does that. and searching for a life, a home, and a quest. i am ready to be settled, to have some questions answered, so i can move beyond this. i just keep feeling like i am on the verge of something. of something big, and i can't quite taste it yet. can't quite ... grasp it. i keep feeling for it, but maybe i need to turn around. to be honest with some people. to dance in freedom yet again. to breathe deep in the mysteries of this world.

i need to be alive.

this week should be interesting. in a good way. tomorrow consists of a new church (based in spirituality and not religion, i am excited), chilling with the amaaazing homeless, and i think tomorrow night i will spend by the ocean. and then a week full of goodbyes to a dear friend, as well as fellowship with an amazing group of people.

on another note, i have decided i am not going to spend any money this week. literally. i just purchased a kit for my hair (!!!), and i will spend money for gas, but that's about it. in a sense, i see it as a fasting. depriving myself of something i am usually way too dependent on. and also saving money. i wish i could go a while without the internet, but sadly that is where my job searches are based out of. damn it all.

i am enjoying silence. it's been a while.

and now i can see that this has turned into a steam of consciousness type entry, and i am going to go. stay tuned to see what is happening in my life. if anything. ha. kidding. but not.

love.
[follow the way of love.]
kristinelaine.

as of late.

there have been too too many emotions for me lately.

i am an emotional person. i have no problem with that. but lately, i cannot figure out how i am feeling.

i am lonely, yet i am surrounded by great roommates and a sister whom i love deeply.
i am without a plan, although i have prided myself on being adaptable and noncommittal.
i miss someone way too much, and yet i have said i don't mind being single and that i do not need someone else to get by.

i guess i am discovering that life is a paradox. well, i guess i am rediscovering it. all i know is that i need to stop being lazy and start the hard work again. start being intentional, start becoming the person who i was begining to see emerge before. it pains me that i am so ...

[complacent. and easily satisfied.]

it's time to get moving again. i started this post a few hours ago and i cannot honestly remember what i was posting about. probably something about love, loneliness, and a thirst for growth.

more to come later, i would guess.

loves.
k.

i need the mountains again ... i crave adventure.