1968.

do you ever feel like something is just playing with your mind?

like the year 1968?

conversations, movies, radio shows have all dominated the happenings of this year. mlk jr. assassinated, bobby kennedy gone, the chicago march on the democratic national convention. more bob dylan music playing through my speakers.

what does this have to teach me?
i guess i'll just have to see.

anyways. no news yet on san francisco. but i am living with two of my favorite guys right now, and it's seriously like heaven for me. it's so good to be around critical thought, laughter, and emotion all at the same time. no internet (except at the library), but lots of reading, guitar, and music.

all in all ... life is pretty decent right now. sure, i'd like to know where i will be in a month, but if i have to be in limbo, this is the best place to be at.

now, let's all meditate on the wisdom of dostoevsky as i close this petty post ...

what matters is life, life alone, the continuous and infinite process of discovering it, not the discovery itself!
[from 'the idiot'].

after all, beauty indeed will save the world.
[that's dostoevsky again].

off to make some journals or something.
k.

one, two, stream of consciousness, go.

tired of wasting
it all.
beginning
anew.

i really am at the bottom this time. and i honestly don't know where to turn. the world is unfolding before me, like a map. like the world it is supposed to be.

through the haze of acceptance and laziness, i am remembering the beauty and draw of adventure.

i'm entertaining the thought of selling it all and giving to the poor. no, not even that ... living as the poor, amongst the poor.

i refuse to believe money is necessary, but have to bend to fulfill this society's desires at times. i need just enough to live, but to be honest, i don't even have that right now.

the fear of loneliness is overwhelming at times, but then i remember that community and love is all around. the imperfect love of people is all i have at almost every moment of every day, and i am learning that this, along with Love's love, is enough (thank you, ms. lamott).

now, really though. i have realized that this dark and winding road at the bottom of everything has been a long time coming. i have been falling for quite a while, flailing as i search for anything i believe in. but i am hoping to learn to trust, and i am scanning the darkness for any sign of light. i really think it will be His, and i really think i won't have to look too hard.

time is passing and time is tolling. these couple of months have been some of the hardest in a while. but i'm ready to not be wasteful any more. and i'm ready to start moving one more time.

time to create some adventure.
to ride some bikes.
to play some music.
live in a garage.
sleep in a car.
converse with some people.
dance in the unknown,
& see Love in other people's faces.

[finally.]

end stream of consciousness.

unamerican beauty.

p.s.
i am going to stop pretending i have it all together.
my mind hasn't stopped spinning in weeks .. months, really.
& it seems i would give anything to finally have some clarity in this life.

but ..

the muddled messes give way to the clear streams if you look hard enough.
& the birds still sing even when it isn't quite spring.

& when the fog finally clears at the end of this life,
it's not hard to believe that the tears caused by this
beauty will happily and joyfully blind my straining eyes.

"and that's the day i knew there was this entire life behind things, and .. this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever ... but it helps me remember .. and i need to remember .. sometimes there's so much beauty in the world i feel like i can't take it .. like my heart's going to cave in."
[american beauty.]

pacific sun.

back and
forth. back
and forth.

here or
there.

this path or
that path.

nothing is clear to me anymore.
one day it's obvious,
and the next day the same ..
except obvious for the other path.

if i strive for Love and
strive to serve,
ultimately ... where
should i go? does it
really matter if i am
being used in both?

i am hoping for some clarity
and the ability to realize
where my priorities actually
lie.

thank goodness for community,
for loves,
and for the ocean constantly
by my side.

It begins today.

Unbelievable.

Today brings in the next era of America, and I can confidently say that today, I am proud to be an America.

Cheers.

the lightness.

tonight,
all my homes are calling out to me.
& my heart ...
oh, it aches.

san diego brings me home tomorrow.
iowa family begs me to stay.
uganda reminds me of living.
college laughs at me.

do you ever just need a place to belong?
is it possible to belong in too many?

regardless,
i am grateful for them all in ways words cannot express.
but this heart is being pulled in all directions,
& this beauty is being absorbed
& i am re-re-re-realizing l o v e.

[you were right about the stars
each one is a setting sun ... ]

i miss you
& wish your face was
the first to see in the west.

[p.s. i'm bringing
the guitar this
time.]

k.

bright eyes.

my heart swings
wildly in every direction,
gasping for the air
that makes it move.

2009 ... i need to
be alive. your
mysteries are
bringing me home
& brightening
my eyes.

'resolutions' coming soon.
although .. i don't think i can actually call them that.

more like ... hopes.
& dreams.

wild h o p e s
&
furious i m a g i n i n g s.

because really,
who knows where
l o v e 's
clever intrigue
will take the world
this year.