abounding &
soaking in family
ties

but simply
days away
& aching for
my other
half(-ves).

maybe home
has finally
found
me.

the west
wind will
always
call me
back.

jargon.

eff it all.

i just wrote a much more poetic entry. the blackness of night bring clarity more often than i realize .. sometimes i get so full and it finally spills over, if only for me to come back to a couple of days or months later to be refreshed. but that's gone.

gist of it all, this week has been a vast array of emotions. ranging from the normal to the bottom of everything, a place my soul rarely dares to visit. only when others are needing my presence and distracting my mind ..

but through it all, i saw the most beautiful things. my friends caring for me. it sounds so simple, so conceited almost. but these people are the reason i am in san diego. they are the people who are starting to know me, and it seems now because they actually want to. there is a reason i went to them first with this situation.

i once read that to be know, to let someone love you, is one of the most beautiful and best lessons one can learn in life. that one can experience. it risks vulnerability. i don't want anyone to see my cry. to know i am even slightly weak. but when that comes, the eyes that search my face become more welcoming. the words spoken and hugs given, hands held and smiles offered, become so much more sincere and dear. and i am so, so grateful.

the best part is .. i get to stick around. for so long it has been one near-trauma after another, but my friends are only my present company. it is part of my experiment in staying in one place .. we get to know each other. and care for each other. and love each other. it is frightening, but incredibly welcome.

i wish i had that other entry ... it expressed my heart so much more efficently and eloquently than this is at the moment.

they are .. this is .. my day to day.

this is love.
i would lay down my life for my friends.
and i believe they would lay down theirs for mine.
there is nothing greater in this world.
maybe for the first time .. i truly believe that.

beloved,
i think i have found
my neverland.

wendydarling.

when the universe slaps me in the face,
hell, i'll take it.
i know i am a fuck up.
i live out of my car.
let's be honest here.

but when the universe,
when Love seems to dance away,
from the people i love,
i cave inside.

that's when i need people more than ever.
and that's when i push you away.

new season.

today it feels like summer.

you know, the very beginning of summer when you first start to notice the birds waking you and the sunrise that paints bubblegum pinks and blues? when the days are warm and sunny, singling out the mornings and evenings that are cool, crisp, and damp?

i know these days should bring me comfort, but they instead cause my stomach to dance and my heart to race. i always do this: i compare how i feel to times in life. and beginning of summer always means one thing: a new season of life. which, of course, is right where i am at now.

in these days of uncertainty, when i am impatiently waiting for something i never event wanted to patiently wait for (i.e. a paycheck), i am finding comfort in people, of all things. good friends who feed me and save me from living in my car. friends who let me cook for them and play guitar on their couches. who tell me the truth about things that may hurt. that are displaying love to me and for some reason don't hold back.

i am ready for my life to be slightly more stable so i can discover what showing love means in this new setting of community and creative action. i am ready to be supporting myself and expanding my brain yet again. to explore what taking a next step means and who i am in the context of searching for what to live for ...

you see, i think being absurd is actually all right sometimes, better than that in fact: it makes it easier to forgive one another and be properly humble; one can't understand everything in a flash, after all, you can't start off with perfection! to attain perfection you have to start off by being ignorant of many things! if we understand things too quickly we may not understand them properly...
prince myshkin [fyodor dostoevsky, 'the idiot']

in the morning.

san diego has captured my soul.
& i don't think i am leaving any time soon.

praises for freedom
& life.

1968.

do you ever feel like something is just playing with your mind?

like the year 1968?

conversations, movies, radio shows have all dominated the happenings of this year. mlk jr. assassinated, bobby kennedy gone, the chicago march on the democratic national convention. more bob dylan music playing through my speakers.

what does this have to teach me?
i guess i'll just have to see.

anyways. no news yet on san francisco. but i am living with two of my favorite guys right now, and it's seriously like heaven for me. it's so good to be around critical thought, laughter, and emotion all at the same time. no internet (except at the library), but lots of reading, guitar, and music.

all in all ... life is pretty decent right now. sure, i'd like to know where i will be in a month, but if i have to be in limbo, this is the best place to be at.

now, let's all meditate on the wisdom of dostoevsky as i close this petty post ...

what matters is life, life alone, the continuous and infinite process of discovering it, not the discovery itself!
[from 'the idiot'].

after all, beauty indeed will save the world.
[that's dostoevsky again].

off to make some journals or something.
k.

one, two, stream of consciousness, go.

tired of wasting
it all.
beginning
anew.

i really am at the bottom this time. and i honestly don't know where to turn. the world is unfolding before me, like a map. like the world it is supposed to be.

through the haze of acceptance and laziness, i am remembering the beauty and draw of adventure.

i'm entertaining the thought of selling it all and giving to the poor. no, not even that ... living as the poor, amongst the poor.

i refuse to believe money is necessary, but have to bend to fulfill this society's desires at times. i need just enough to live, but to be honest, i don't even have that right now.

the fear of loneliness is overwhelming at times, but then i remember that community and love is all around. the imperfect love of people is all i have at almost every moment of every day, and i am learning that this, along with Love's love, is enough (thank you, ms. lamott).

now, really though. i have realized that this dark and winding road at the bottom of everything has been a long time coming. i have been falling for quite a while, flailing as i search for anything i believe in. but i am hoping to learn to trust, and i am scanning the darkness for any sign of light. i really think it will be His, and i really think i won't have to look too hard.

time is passing and time is tolling. these couple of months have been some of the hardest in a while. but i'm ready to not be wasteful any more. and i'm ready to start moving one more time.

time to create some adventure.
to ride some bikes.
to play some music.
live in a garage.
sleep in a car.
converse with some people.
dance in the unknown,
& see Love in other people's faces.

[finally.]

end stream of consciousness.