beatnik.

the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or a say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'aww!'
[jack kerouac]

recent epiphanies have led me to believe that this - that these people - are the ones i am addicted to.

there is this insatiable need to be on fire for something, to be always searching for something, to never let a mind be at peace. it's been discovered in my life over and over again.

i wonder what it would like to not deny that.

i'd probably be on the streets, huh?

alice.

i need more impossibility in my life.



[defining my rabbit hole.]

i wonder if life really is the accumulation of experiences. of trying to figure out the best way to live.

i think that's true. but i wonder what that means.

deepening rabbit hole (or, oh! how beauty can be dark!)

can there be one too many blog posts about the crest of 2010?

eh.

although 2009 was a wholly heartshaking year, there are a few things i feel pretty pleased about. one is how much i read.

the number itself isn't all that impressive, but the point is that i read. with my outspoken commitment and outrageous love affair with the written word, i thought it time to prove that to myself.

this week is my first week back at my job, and today my fist visit to the library. i am caught up in the wonder that my job thrives on. the imagination that flows through everyone's stream of consciousness.

i hope i'm not being fooled by the spirited feeling 2010 is giving me so far. a week in and i already can sense that this year will be beautiful. days of exploration and friendly fragility have reinstated my belief that there is a higher cause for everything here.

2010 is about all of that: wonder, exploration, joy, peace, imagination, honesty, aspiration, and seeking a higher calling.

so today, on january 6, i added five more books to my literal pile of library loans. jonathan safran foer, roald dahl, lewis carroll, antione de saint-exupery, and truman capote will be my first indulgences of 2010.

alice in her wonderland, i know how she feels.

i'm off to my rabbit hole.
k.

dreamcatching (& how the stars, they sing!).

ah, the classic return west.

it comes as winter crests and overwhelms the midwestern horizon, and i feel sunsets tugging me back home. the pacific greets the sun with such fragility and gentleness, it's a sight i can't ever seem to turn away from.

i think back on the past years. two years ago, my first new year's return. returning to a time of tumult and blazing new adventure. it was such a windstorm i can barely remember the scenery.

but most important to contrast this year with is, of course, last year. the pacific greeted me reluctantly in 2009 after a three-week stint lost in snow. i left old memories and the worried eyes of my parents to return to a land of uncertainties. san diego welcomed me with unsure arms, and i found myself lost on freeways and couches and beaches for far too long. 2009 really began for me in springtime, winter was too dark and life's light too dim for me to see anything.

but this year, i leave behind a family that is searching for definition. the blood that ties us all together is being stretched thin. not that this hasn't happened before, but again i am choosing to leave. choosing the waves of water and seas of strangers for the peace i might help bring amidst the fields of iowa.

in the midst of this all, i have never felt more confident of my place in this world. i feel as if i have said this before, but it's been a fool's dream i have been chasing.

until now.

coming home to los angeles, my beautiful roommate appeared through the crazed cars to welcome me with grace. en route to my house, i heard stories, and most of all, i talked to one i find myself returning to time and time again.

i come to a job i adore and am continually streched to fulfill. struggling to make ends meet is a constant joy to bear. disneyland is my playground, and to end it all, my life is continually brightened by the eyes and laughs that surround me.

this is home.

so as 2010 crests the hazy los angeles skyline, happiness is overwhelming. although this season has been one of hardships, sharp turns, and endless searching for truth, life couldn't be lived any other way.

life is one beginning after another.

and for that, and so many other things, i am grateful for the seasickness that 2009 has brought,

and 2010, we're going to have a lot of fun.

cheers, mateys.
let's bring it in right.

[to whispering dreams into the dark,
k.]

some day, things will all make sense. until then, i'll cuddle with my sister & whisper secrets & searchings & fears & cry til we wake the dawn.

alice to the future.

ah, the final drive back from torrance to pasadena for 2009.

as the los angeles skyline crested into view just after midnight, i felt 2009 fade. and honestly, i'm ready for it.

2010 is coming, and i can feel the fresh new life just ebbing away at my consciousness. this has been a year of coming into my own. of recognizing that there are challenges where i used to see blessings, and blessings beneath those challenges and more. i have wandered through houses and cities, and tonight i realized that i have made a home here.

finally.

as my world willingly draws smaller and smaller, i am so grateful for the new arms and limbs of community. as my vagabond heart grows weary, i'm hanging up my running shoes, at least for now. a desire to be known, maybe even more so to know, has been tugging at my heart for months, and i'm finally giving in.

i'll move once more, to be closer to the people that want me to be there. to the friends that are by my side in an instance, even when they're across the globe. to the hearts that search for steady revolution, starting with searching for the truth.

so after a year of denial that the future is coming, i am itching for 2010 to begin. i hope for a year of honesty and a year of searching out truth in the world and in my own life. my heart knows it desires not only servanthood, but to be loved. and it is something i will challenge myself to let happen. to break down distances, to be known. and to know.

to live to always tell the truth. to welcome the future with blind but searching eyes, actively bringing the bright and new.

ah, 2010. i'm so ready for your presence. because, after all, the chase, the new love, is what this life is all about.