creating adventure.

ok, God, i am getting impatient. i guess i am ready to see something fall into place. not that i am expecting it ... but yet i am. so far in my life, You have gently guided me along. closing some doors, encouraging me to take others.

i see nothing right now.

i am feel as if i should go to san diego. but in my mind, i hear the faint whispering of only for a while. how long is that? and is that me or You? i know that i am anxious to move around. anxious to experience something new. and afraid of what i could become if i do not find myself the community that i desire.

but what will You bring next? i see things in my loves. a microbrewery ... or australia (or england). teaching. a bookstore. school. a bike trip.

and for me, God? i am not trying to be selfish here. i really am not. all i am asking for is a little guidance. ok, so here i go to san diego, soon. is there a job there? anything with invisible children? nepal? come on, throw me a bone. i will take a coffee shop. an independent book store. hell, i will be a secretary. anything but corporate america, please. no more bath and body works.

are you trying to teach me patience, God? i know how to be patient, i really do. i think you have tried to teach me that before. but the thing is - and this may be a little harsh, God - but ... i don't want to be patient. i want to know. i want to know where You want me to go. i want to know what You want me to do. i want to know what is going to tug my heart next. when can i go to africa? when can i start serving people again? i know it's unreasonable, but i am getting anxious.

please, God. just a little attention here. throw a glance my way? speak into the breeze that passes by my ear. a little something in the morning mist would do just fine. even a dream. well, that might be a little frightening. ok, whatever You think best. i am trying to listen ... just when i get bored, i turn something on. i haven't been able to hear You for a while now. my path has been pretty ... well, obvious, until now.

i know You love me. i know there is something out there. and i really do know i cannot sit back and just wait for You to drop something in my lap. i must work, must look, must seek. but God, it's pretty hard. i just would love a little direction.

and if i could ask for one more thing, God, it would be for clarity. well, buried inside that request hides several others. for clarity in feelings, in hope, in intentions, actions. what i should and shouldn't hope for. and honestly, if you could have him speak his mind and me speak mine - with no complications on our friendship - that would be absolutely amazing. bordering on perfection.

it's been a while now since i have felt this frustrated. i know i need to make decisions and follow them. but i have no options that i can see to make decisions based on. it is very ... draining. i am in a position right now where i am suffocating in lack of adventure, community, and a certain form of support. and it has made life a little weary. sleeping is difficult to do - not because i am tired, but because i feel like i am wasting time. but while i am awake, i have nothing to do. nothing to work for.

i need to breathe.

not like this, not like i had intended for this break.

i need to breath ...

life again.

i cannot wait to see a certain two loves in a couple of weeks again. and after that, i cannot wait to re-enter that community for a fourth time. but i know this time it will be very different than ever before. surrounded by different people, but people i am excited to invest in and get to know more and more. excited to share in their dreams and find out how i can be involved in them. to hear how the Beloved is speaking to them and how they are working His Love in this world. i hope this will begin yet another adventure in this life, and perhaps give me the clarity and hope i am asking for.

so in short ... i need to get back to california. if i had it my way, i would be driving there tomorrow. i have a backpack full of clothes and a box full of books for my backseat. my cameras spread across the car. and an atlas for my lap. maybe a little gas money would help, but besides that, i am craving the company of my community yet again.

i am seeking new life. i am afraid that it is on hold until i return to the coast. how do i make it begin now? otherwise, i am treading water in a pool of expectations for another two weeks. i need to challenge myself while wading in this pool. while waiting for a new life yet again.

time to create a new adventure.

oh, boy.
k.

p.s. i need to hear a certain voice soon. i ache.

dearest ic family.

so here i am, finally at 'home'. after a beautiful few months on the road, a crazy week of debriefing, and then an epic road trip up the coast, i have made it back to iowa where i intend to spend a couple of weeks. and then i hope to figure out this thing called life.

anyways.

this past week, i spent a dream week traveling through a place that is only comparable to neverland: the california coast. i traveled with three dear friends, and it was nothing short of epic, amazing, and life-changing. but the brutal fact is that at some point, i have to return to reality. and so i did. it came as i could hardly tear myself away from a dear teammate on the streets of san francisco, clung to another at the airport, and could barely let go of a friend as i departed for my flight.

as i sat on the flight, ironically returning from san francisco to a place i had just come from (by the name of los angeles), i continued thinking. i began to realize the full impact of being alone for the first time ... in a really long time. for the first time, i didn't have my friends with me. i didn't have them with me to tell me i was being stupid, that i was being emotional, that i was talking too loudly on a dune while tresspassing. i didn't have them with me to make me laugh, to show me how to live, to be my supports.

frankly, i felt very, very alone.

as i flew out of california, i began a list of things that i thought about. a kind of stream-of-consciousness thing. what went through my mind as i was shedding this era of my life. i will spare you the gory deatils, but it basically states the obvious: i miss you, you, and you. and especially you. i wish i could have stated the unsaid, but i am just too afraid. that i don't want a normal life (brought to light by the immense amount of business men and women around me). i still had sand on me from the california beaches. that i kept crying. and oh wait, i miss you guys.

and also, that i finally remembered that only HE is enough.

so as i sit here at home, with - for the moment - only my cat as a companion, i miss you all. so much more than i can say. i miss the life we have led together for the past few months, especially for the past week. and i wish that some things didn't have to change, and that we would never have to be jerked out of neverland. i wish that i didn't regress back into who i was before all this life came to culmination, but i fear that i can already feel it beginning. i wish i didn't have to fear what we will become in the future. and i wish that i could tell you all what you mean to me, but i am not sure how to do that. i am not good at expressing my feelings, especially to the people who mean the most to me.

but as i prepare to step into this next stage - whatever it looks like - i know that i will never be able to forget the journey i have traveled the past few months. and more than that, i know i will never be able to forget the sweet, beautiful relationships i have found myself immersed in. yes, there were hard times. and yes, we disagree on some things. but the fact remains that the reason i fear of slipping back into who i was before is because i was changed by you. and i am beginning to see who i can become someday because you have challenged me. and forced me to grow. even when i wished i could just sit back and breathe for once.

i cannot tell you who i will become. and i cannot tell you if we will be friends in another month, year, or ten years from now. but i do know that these past few months have meant more to me than a culmination of several years of my life. i know that i have grown more in the past few months than i have in the most formative years of my life. that i was challenged more than i have ever been. that i will miss you all more than i have ever missed anyone before.

i have begun to experience what community is. what being transparent, honest, and open is like. and what beauty and relief that brings. i know this community is not perfect, but it is the closest i have ever been to seeing the face of God on this earth. because i know in my heart that He rests and resides in this place. and i know that He is planning something huge for this world with and because of the people involved in this movement.

so thank you, beloved friends. i cannot imagine who i would be right now without you all in my life. you have made me into more of me than i have ever been in my life. you have challenged me to live free and to live full. you have made me realize that i need to start living intentionally, and to not rest in that aspiration.

i love you all.
so, so much.

(this is especially for my dear team: suzi, filipe, and kevin. i don't know if i can get the courage to actually send this to you ... )

change begins.

so the adventure has ended.
an era has ended in my life.
and i am not sure what to do now.

i am home for a couple of weeks, which i suppose is a good thing. it is beautiful to see my family again, and i am excited to see my friends throughout the midwest. truly.

but to wake up in the morning - or afternoon - and not have anything to do, not have my dear friends to turn to, not have any adventure to begin, is more than slightly overwhelming.

for the past four months, i have either woken up in a house of over fifty people, in a stranger's home that is housing my three closest loves, or in a car with three incredible friends. believe me when i tell you that waking up alone and without this close, tight-knit group is much, much harder than i anticipated.

i discovered while on tour that i want to be around people who make me alive. i need it in order to grow. i need to keep growing, to keep being challenged, to be around the people who do those things to me. here at home, i hate to say it, but i am not around those people. i have friends that i will visit that wake me up in certain areas of growth and in my life, but i am too easily complacent here. it is too simple for me to slip back into a period in my life that i simply do not want to revisit.

but it is not home that i fear the most, as it is here that i am only visiting. soon i will return to san diego for an untold amount of time, and it is there that i am seeking refuge and solace in order to process this life i have lived for the past few months. and it is here that i hope to continue to grow and seek guidance for my future.

but again ... i want to be around those who make me alive. who make me grow. who make me ... me. but i fear that i have lost those people. one has gone to the desert: my source of comfort and wisdom. another has gone to san francisco: my source of challenge in knowledge and the way i act. and yet a precious another has retreated to the central valley of california: my source of joy, growth, frustration, and life.

so herein lies the dilemma. i can follow them. i really can. i am not connected anywhere, i have no commitments, save an apartment that i have already warned the residents that i may bail on. i have no job, no family, no real set of friends there.

or i can make my own life. i can separate myself from them, let them be themselves, and therein become myself ... in a way that is separate from them.

i know what i would like to do. it is so easy to be a leech. it is so easy to be the one that doesn't create her own path.

it is so simple to be that girl.

but then something can backfire. they may not stay there. i may rediscover yet again that they mean more to me than i mean to them. and then i may discover what i am realizing now - that i need to be my own person.

but how do i stay in their lives? i ten to be a little overbearing ... i tend to miss people more than they miss me. i tend to hurt ... and i ache right now. ache so much.

i miss them.

in the airport on the way home, a dear friend said to me that yes, this is difficult, and yes, this is a crazy transition. but to take comfort in the fact that God is a God of change.

damn it, ad, let me mope.

but i don't want to leave this era behind. but i must. someone must take my place in his life. and his. and hers. and that sucks. where will we all be a month from now?

i need you guys.
i miss you guys.
i love you all so damn much.
i am hurting without you.

it is time to begin a new era, but i am not sure what that will look like. all i know is that i must begin to live more intentionally, because i know that it is going to take more effort than ever to continue this growth. to not slip back into who i was before. because that darkness scares me. and i must begin to become myself. or continue becoming myself.

the processing has begun.

off to eat with my mother.
k.

via chicago.

my dearests.

here i am, leaving chicago for the last time on this tour. kevin is driving, suzi is navigating, filipe is sleeping, and i am reflecting on how beautiful this tour has been.

it has been almost three months that i have lived in this van. lived a life full of adventure, uncertainty, insecurity, displacement, joy, and pain. all mixed in together. at times, i will admit, it was overwhelming. and at times, all i wanted was a good friend from home to cry or laugh with. but at times - so many times i cannot even count - i wished that this would never end. and i am at this point now.

it is the strangest thing. these three vagabonds have become my family. so much more than i ever expected, and it is the most dangerous thought to think about not seeing them again for a long time after this. we have learned to live with each other and love each other through everything. we have learned how to bring up things that should offend, but to work through them and admit that we are wrong. to extend forgiveness. to laugh at each other. and at ourselves. so much.

i wish i could let you guys in on some of my life these past few months. i wish that you could have spent some time with these three incredible people. and i wish that these past three months hadn't been so far away from so many people that i love. but it is coming to the next stage in my life, and as much as i am not ready to move forward, sometimes life gives us no choice but to do so.

so with no expectations, i am creeping toward life after invisible children. i am moving to san diego with my good friend, amy, and to be honest, i have no idea how long i will be there. or what i am doing. or who i am going to be friends with. or who i will be seeing.

or what love will look like in this next stage.

isn't it funny how love evolves? how it grows? how it changes and how you grow through it all?

so here we go to san diego. to a new stage of life for all of us. to learning to welcome change.

love you all.
kristin.

i'm going home, via chicago.
i'm searching for a home, via chicago.
jeff tweedy, 'via chicago'

to revolution.

just an excerpt from my journal ...

march 1, 2008. - louisville, ky.

so now we are in louisville, hanging out with kevin's friends, jason and carrie. they're awesome. but i wanted to make sure i documented denis and my encounters (denis is a man that we had the priveledge of meeting, talking with, and sharing the stage with, who is from gulu). as i said before, kevin always speaks about the Acholi, the welcoming and grateful culture. and i am so grateful that i got to encounter denis. he spoke to us during a dinner on sunday night, and it was so cool to see kevin and him interact. to hear kevin speak like an Acholi, to hear them convers in their language, to be Acholi together. and then he spoke at madeira high school the next day, which was incredible to hear. he talked for nearly twenty minutes during our screening, and i coul dhave listened to him for so much longer. but it was earlier today that affected me the most. denis has greeted me several times, holding my hand and gazing strongly in my eyes throughout the entire short-lived conversation. but this morning, all the kids were watching 'wardance', and i came in to watch a little part of it. during that part, a girl said this:

"when i dance, i forget all of my problems."

i don't know why, but it was then that i was hit. sometimes, being right in the midst of this movement, i forget the gravity of this situation. how ironic. but i forget how much individuals are affected. how lives have been hurt, so much that sometimes i fear beyond repair. it was in the 21 minutes of silence last night that i also felt this. that i pleaded with God. that i searched for God. wrestled with Him, asking - seeking - for His hand in this situation.

but it was during this moment, during this absolutely stunning scene in the movie, that denis walks over to me, grabs my hand, and whispers this to me:

"hi, how are you doing today, i am fine, thank you."

and we meet eyes, smile at each other, and he walks away. this has not happened to me in so long ... but i was simply overcome. i started crying, tears just coming without any control. i wasn't sobbing by any means, but in a sense, i welcomed this. i need to remember the gravity of this. i need to remember that girl's life, denis' smile and touch. to remember kevin's friends. i need to remember the stories that i will never hear and the faces i will never see. and then i need to remember - just as i re-realized in that moment and the moments after - that i am a part of something so much bigger than me. than my team. than unifat. than the great lakes region. than this tour. than IC. i am a part of a global community. one that is searching for hope, for global reconciliation. for a community. a true community. for support in one another. for love, ultimately. it is as if we are all finally realizing that we are all made for each other. i think that is what my generation is waking up to. and we are realizing that if we yell this news loud enough, we are waking others up, too. they just didn't know, you know? they are ready. we are ready. uganda is ready. the US is ready. so is burma, LA, sudan, and so many others. here we come.

to sleep. to milwaukee.

to revolution.

kel.

oh, ohio.

hello, dear friends.

so here it is, february 25th, and i am beginning my third week on tour. it is so funny, i feel like i have been on tour for so many weeks already, yet memories of california and college are so close at hand. i guess that is part of the mystery of time. i cannot remember the last time i wrote, but i am quite certain that i am nearly a different person now than i was then. i have learned so much in the past two and a half weeks. so much about myself, about how i relate to others, about my team and how they function, and about the beauty of human life and the hope that we all work together so beautifully to maintain.

in the past couple of weeks, we have traveled from california to chicago, went all around that area. from chicago to columbus, ohio, and now we are spending the week in cincinnati. in chicago, we spent a week adjusting to each other and finally owning up to the idea of tour. we finally began to realize the implications of a three month road trip, about how we all affect each other, about how things can go terribly wrong (i.e. our very first day of screenings, our car stopped working, we couldn't call a cab, we were late to a screening which turned out horrible, and we hit a car). but we also learned the comfort we could take in each other, the pain we could cause each other, but especially i began to realize the relationships that i would maintain for the rest of my life. these three people i am traveling with are amazing, and i wish that you all could have the opportunity to embrace their stories, their strengths and weaknesses, and their lives as i am able to over the next few months.

our week in columbus was significantly better than the first week for some of us. we had consistent screenings throughout the week, and had very good responses to our media and had incredible contacts that we had great discussions with. we were supposed to go to a high school this past friday, but columbus area schools had a snow day, so we hung out with a couple of rad contacts and went sledding during the day and enjoyed downtown columbus in the evening. we ended up going to pittsburgh on saturday and did a preview of sorts at a franciscan school's dance concert on saturday night, which was certainly interesting.

and now we are in cincinnati. we arrived on sunday evening, and ended up doing a screening today at a local high school, and had the incredible priveledge of sharing the stage with a man named dennis who is from gulu, northern uganda. kevin, my teammate who lived in gulu for a year, was delighted to be able to introduce him, talk with him, and speak with him in the native tongue of northern uganda. we were so grateful to hear his story and be able to talk to him about what invisible children is doing and about his life in uganda. he has an incredible story.

so here i am, in the basement that has been allotted to me and the team for the week, and it's amazing. we have beds to sleep in, a television to watch, a bathroom, and food that has been supplied to us. and it's such a blessing. we are preparing for a crazy week, and i am constantly re-realizing how long this tour is. i cannot believe that i have the privledge to spend three months on the road with the craziest and most amazing three people in the world, spreading the word of the situation in uganda, all while historic events are taking place in uganda. for those of you who do not know, a permanent ceasefire has just been signed in uganda, and it is expected that the war will officially be over by the end of next week. how crazy is that??! the end of this 22 year war is finally in sight. there is still so much work to be done, but it is so encouraging to hear our brothers and sisters in uganda rejoice as peace is finally cresting. for all of us who are working for uganda, it is one of the most amazing things. especially to be on the road while this is happening. i encourage you to look at ugandacan.org for more up-to-date happenings.

finally, i would like to leave you with a video of my two teammates, filipe and kevin, while we are at ohio state university. it just gives you an idea of the cold that we are experiencing, but also the incredible and hilarious team i am partnered with. go here. http://youtube.com/watch?v=S64nwDvW7D4

love and miss you all. please do not hesitate to email me back and update me on your lives! sorry this is long and rambling, but i wanted to make sure i threw an update your way. love you all and talk to you soon!!

peace, please.
kristin.

learning how to live.

i can't believe this tour. i honestly don't know if i can keep learning this much - as much as i have over the past week - in a total of three months. and more. i know i will keep learning more.

i journaled the other day about a lot of stuff. i hadn't journeled about my life, about my thoughts, and this, in nearly a month. and so much has happened even in that time. i wrote about how i have been so challenged, even in a week's time. about how my team and i are truly made for each other - that there is a divine purpose in me coming on this tour, in me waiting (im)patiently for His timing. i can't believe it, i really cannot. i wrote about how we all mesh together so damn well, and how we are all going to learn so much from each other. i believe it is already happening, and i believe it will continue to happen over the next three months. i have already been called out on some of my crap, and i know it will happen again. and again. and again.

i also wrote about the fact that i am coming to recognize that there is something harder than others calling me out. and that is me calling myself out on my shit. recognizing what a horrible person i am in some ways. that how i act truly does affect others. and how i act is partially because of others, but i can still control myself, my emotions, and my actions. honestly, it is all stuff that my parents have been bugging me about for years. but at age 21, i am finally recognizing that there are these things in myself and in my character. and it is really time to change.

i feel like this is going to be three months of intense character development. and refinement. i am hoping to begin the process of becoming the best me that i can be. cheesy, but true.

i am also learning the value in truly being myself. really being myself. but also trying to become a better me. it's really beautiful. it's been a challenge simply because i have been surrounded by the most amazing people in the world the past few weeks. and it's so easy to wish i had certain qualities, to strive to be someone else. but i am me, and i cannot be anyone else. it's a challenge to strive for confidence in who i am. but i am hoping it will come.

i am also learning to not let jealousy rage. to keep things in perspective. to not be passive-agressive. to learn to live that way.

aaah. it's only been a week. it's so crazy. it is so good. i am learning that it really is life.

love. please. it's the only thing.
kristin.