'what does life depend on?
... i wish i had made things for life to depend on.'

[extremely loud & incredibly close]

i think i am in the midst of realizing that it's ok, maybe even right & pure & true, to depend on things in life. that it is perhaps a demonstration of heart, and small expression of feeling.

more coming soon.. ? it's been a while since i have written reflectively.

maybe i'll write in the form of a story. it's becoming ingrained in my nature.

but for now, i'm missing a part of me that i am coming to depend on. or that i am realizing i depend on. the atlantic is a far separation, a leap my little heart keeps trying to make.

bangarang, rufio.

oscar wilde is blowing my mind.

'hearts live by being wounded.'

bang.

the thing about
us
is, we
don't have to
play by
the
rules.

but still,
let's
play.

because
life
without you,
not worth
imagining.

i guess fall means the following:

windy freeway mornings with coffee spilling over the mug.
fuzzy la skylines with life buzzing sweetly through.
chilly weekend latenights across the city with someone who means the world.

fall is the rumpus, & i'm still looking for sense in the crazy. it's slow in coming, if at all. this season keeps the questions close at hand.

the wild & wonderful rumpus.

fall excites me.

something about the crisp air makes me wake up every morning with butterflies. the thought of perhaps being able to see my breath when i walk outside is so enthralling. i love seeing blue skies but still wearing my boots.

i don't know what it is about fall. every year i get this good-anxious feeling. the feeling that revives in me memories of other falls, memories of other seasons. it reminds me that life is all about changes, and i love knowing that i have to make this season new. that this fall can't be like last fall or the one before that. that if i am to live this life with the kind of integrity and attention that it deserves, i have to seek the new. every day.

so as the california leaves stay the same, my mind turns over a new leaf. this season brings a skip to my step and an excited shiver up my spine. i love the company i am keeping this season, those eyes that light up my own. i love the challenges that are being brought my way, even though they may seem insurmountable at certain moments. and i love that i am gaining new perspective on life. that i am being constantly reminded that seasons all flow into one life, and that i have to keep working for a future.

i'm addicted to the rumpus, if you will.

so here's to uncertainty & seeking the beauty in it all. to caprices, & seeking the comfort in the now.

[& to afternoons at disneyland that i simply cannot get enough of.]

what a whim.
k.

hi, life.

updates include flying through disneyland with my favorite yesterday, discovery of a dollar theatre less than a mile away, musical treats to get me through the week, & an internship that makes me so happy.

a better post coming. i'm working on my phrasing, working on expression. working on living.. it's tough sometimes. but all new life takes some time to grow into.

fresh laundry.

ah,
the taste of new life. it sighs into my chest, playing with my emotions.

it's going on a month that la has claimed me. a month of taking possessions & finding them a home. a month of new clothes, curious new coffee shops, new freeways with winding mysteries & stories to tell. a month of fresh fears & overly timid beginnings, but with flashing glimpses of life evening out & friendships creeping in.

there's something magical about los angeles, a call that is compelling enough to beg everyone to simply be themselves. to become someone. to play a part in this universal dance, to own up and be who we are called to be. in a city fill with almost-actors & wistful writers, everyone is here to follow their dreams. it's cautiously refreshing. maybe it shouldn't be, but it is.

so it is here. new life is becoming less new & more real. the hopes present while making this journey are either being renewed or reluctantly crushed. it's a rebirthing that is either beautifully refreshing or unexpectedly heartwrenching, depending on this situation. in any case, there are hidden challenges, ones that are shaping us all into who we are going to be in this world. & i can truly and honestly say that i am in the best company i could ask for in this new & glorious step forward.

blessed,
simple as that.
searching,
curious
as always.
learning how to
maintain
hope.

[p.s. i am becoming acutely aware that my writing is becoming quite dull & exhaustingly redundant. it's one of those challenges.. i'm on the case.]