a clearing.

I love the story of Lazarus.

I wish I could say that it's a story I have always loved. That I have identified with since I was young. That it has been there, along with all the stories in the Book, alongside me growing up. But I don't know if that's true anymore.

And I honestly can't tell you what I believe right now. I haven't been too big on the whole religion thing for quite a while now. It's been a lot of searching, some praying to a greater Being that I still cling to, and a lot of realizing that this world has much to offer and to teach. And that Love has a way of shining through in each corner of this world.

But as I sat on my friends' porch tonight, opening my Bible for the first time in ages, only doing so accompanied by a cigarette and night's solemn solace, I searched the pages for comfort.

The world is jumbled in a way I haven't felt it in quite a while. The skies have been clouding as of late, and to be honest, it's been hard to see through. A job being lost, me still searching for a home, friends trying to be provided for and a place, and now one more thing that I can't fix - the loss of someone dear to one of my dearest ones.

But as I read about Lazarus tonight .. no, as I read about Jesus tonight, my throat began to tighten. Because I believe Jesus would have held my hand tonight as I told my friend that I was so sorry and asked him if he was alright. He would have squeezed it tight, turned and walked with that other one to his house, carrying his beer and guiding his bike for him. And I believe that Jesus would have smoked that cigarette with me, whispering to my soul that the skies will clear. But that it's ok to feel this way.

He did.

If I am going to follow someone, he or she has to have emotion. They have to be real with me. Eff it all, they have to be human. And maybe for the first time, I see God as a human.

Jesus wept when Lazarus died. Jesus loved. And Jesus was human, just like me.

I still don't know what I believe. But knowning that he would cry right along with me, that he would drink beer with us and smoke alongside us, he would listen .. it's quite beautiful.

He is surrounded by a cloud of saints. Ghandi would have done the same thing, I firmly believe it. Mother Theresa would have been there rubbing my back, weeping with us. My athiest and agnostic friend would be here in a second if possible. And my friends that are doing the same, that are fighting the same fight, we're still learning from all of them.

I'm not trying to make this poetic, beautiful, or even try to make sense of it. But God seems more human tonight than he has in ages. It makes me believe just a bit more that behind the clouds, there is something more. And even if there isn't, there is a strange reason we hold people in high esteem, that we follow them: because they are human. Because they feel. And then they act.

I'm still trying ...

kristinelaine.

it is not that we can live on hope alone,
but that life is not worth living without
hope.
[harvey milk.]

p.s. sorry if this was cliche. epiphanies often are. but they are meant to be shared, i do believe.

abounding &
soaking in family
ties

but simply
days away
& aching for
my other
half(-ves).

maybe home
has finally
found
me.

the west
wind will
always
call me
back.

jargon.

eff it all.

i just wrote a much more poetic entry. the blackness of night bring clarity more often than i realize .. sometimes i get so full and it finally spills over, if only for me to come back to a couple of days or months later to be refreshed. but that's gone.

gist of it all, this week has been a vast array of emotions. ranging from the normal to the bottom of everything, a place my soul rarely dares to visit. only when others are needing my presence and distracting my mind ..

but through it all, i saw the most beautiful things. my friends caring for me. it sounds so simple, so conceited almost. but these people are the reason i am in san diego. they are the people who are starting to know me, and it seems now because they actually want to. there is a reason i went to them first with this situation.

i once read that to be know, to let someone love you, is one of the most beautiful and best lessons one can learn in life. that one can experience. it risks vulnerability. i don't want anyone to see my cry. to know i am even slightly weak. but when that comes, the eyes that search my face become more welcoming. the words spoken and hugs given, hands held and smiles offered, become so much more sincere and dear. and i am so, so grateful.

the best part is .. i get to stick around. for so long it has been one near-trauma after another, but my friends are only my present company. it is part of my experiment in staying in one place .. we get to know each other. and care for each other. and love each other. it is frightening, but incredibly welcome.

i wish i had that other entry ... it expressed my heart so much more efficently and eloquently than this is at the moment.

they are .. this is .. my day to day.

this is love.
i would lay down my life for my friends.
and i believe they would lay down theirs for mine.
there is nothing greater in this world.
maybe for the first time .. i truly believe that.

beloved,
i think i have found
my neverland.

wendydarling.

when the universe slaps me in the face,
hell, i'll take it.
i know i am a fuck up.
i live out of my car.
let's be honest here.

but when the universe,
when Love seems to dance away,
from the people i love,
i cave inside.

that's when i need people more than ever.
and that's when i push you away.