a clearing.

I love the story of Lazarus.

I wish I could say that it's a story I have always loved. That I have identified with since I was young. That it has been there, along with all the stories in the Book, alongside me growing up. But I don't know if that's true anymore.

And I honestly can't tell you what I believe right now. I haven't been too big on the whole religion thing for quite a while now. It's been a lot of searching, some praying to a greater Being that I still cling to, and a lot of realizing that this world has much to offer and to teach. And that Love has a way of shining through in each corner of this world.

But as I sat on my friends' porch tonight, opening my Bible for the first time in ages, only doing so accompanied by a cigarette and night's solemn solace, I searched the pages for comfort.

The world is jumbled in a way I haven't felt it in quite a while. The skies have been clouding as of late, and to be honest, it's been hard to see through. A job being lost, me still searching for a home, friends trying to be provided for and a place, and now one more thing that I can't fix - the loss of someone dear to one of my dearest ones.

But as I read about Lazarus tonight .. no, as I read about Jesus tonight, my throat began to tighten. Because I believe Jesus would have held my hand tonight as I told my friend that I was so sorry and asked him if he was alright. He would have squeezed it tight, turned and walked with that other one to his house, carrying his beer and guiding his bike for him. And I believe that Jesus would have smoked that cigarette with me, whispering to my soul that the skies will clear. But that it's ok to feel this way.

He did.

If I am going to follow someone, he or she has to have emotion. They have to be real with me. Eff it all, they have to be human. And maybe for the first time, I see God as a human.

Jesus wept when Lazarus died. Jesus loved. And Jesus was human, just like me.

I still don't know what I believe. But knowning that he would cry right along with me, that he would drink beer with us and smoke alongside us, he would listen .. it's quite beautiful.

He is surrounded by a cloud of saints. Ghandi would have done the same thing, I firmly believe it. Mother Theresa would have been there rubbing my back, weeping with us. My athiest and agnostic friend would be here in a second if possible. And my friends that are doing the same, that are fighting the same fight, we're still learning from all of them.

I'm not trying to make this poetic, beautiful, or even try to make sense of it. But God seems more human tonight than he has in ages. It makes me believe just a bit more that behind the clouds, there is something more. And even if there isn't, there is a strange reason we hold people in high esteem, that we follow them: because they are human. Because they feel. And then they act.

I'm still trying ...

kristinelaine.

it is not that we can live on hope alone,
but that life is not worth living without
hope.
[harvey milk.]

p.s. sorry if this was cliche. epiphanies often are. but they are meant to be shared, i do believe.