but i'm always proven wrong.
san diego seems to have change that is always whistling through the air. nothing here ever seems stable, and it's a fact that now i am starting to recognize, i need to run from.
at least for now.
my life has been nothing but unstable for the past ... forever. which i have embraced and played with. but i am beginning to think that this is the time to stay for a while. to learn how to breathe deeply and hold hands. because the relationships that i have formed here end too quickly for my heart to bare, and this next goodbye is one that has hit me the hardest in quite a while.
but with these goodbyes comes an end to an era. i know in my heart it is time for me to move from this spot. now comes the expected lesson in patience. because if i do hear the call as i think i do, now comes the wait on the follow through.
it's hard for me to describe exactly what place i am at my life right now, or exactly what i am feeling. i think that is why i find myself expressing my thoughts through tiny poems and outbursts of emotion. i keep getting the excited feeling that something huge is about to come my way, and that i will fit somewhere. for once. i'm just working on the peace and patience that i feel the need to have while i wait.
so much of these past couple of years has been focused on change and constant redefinition of myself that i have to wonder why this time it is so much harder, why it's harder for me to take. but i think i thought that this was it for a while. i think i thought that the stability and me that was brought out with that one, that was going to get me through. but i have to realize that this time, i'm on my own. that going alone into the universe will make me ... me. and that's what i need to be focused on at this point.
so here's to the next big step in the universe. a few weeks and i think i'll head north. with nothing but a little in the bank to back me this time. and a few phone numbers i can call with precious faces behind them.
that's all for now.
k.
2 comments:
the only thing that's more scary than going into the beyond, is coming back. same body, different mind.
i think what i'm realizing is that i focused for so long on community, on others, which is good+beautiful.. but i then forget to focus on what's best for me/what i should be doing/etc. and i think it's a difficult thing to learn+think of again.
life is strange as it's all about balances.. balancing thinking of myself vs. others, etc.
love you.
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