creating adventure.

ok, God, i am getting impatient. i guess i am ready to see something fall into place. not that i am expecting it ... but yet i am. so far in my life, You have gently guided me along. closing some doors, encouraging me to take others.

i see nothing right now.

i am feel as if i should go to san diego. but in my mind, i hear the faint whispering of only for a while. how long is that? and is that me or You? i know that i am anxious to move around. anxious to experience something new. and afraid of what i could become if i do not find myself the community that i desire.

but what will You bring next? i see things in my loves. a microbrewery ... or australia (or england). teaching. a bookstore. school. a bike trip.

and for me, God? i am not trying to be selfish here. i really am not. all i am asking for is a little guidance. ok, so here i go to san diego, soon. is there a job there? anything with invisible children? nepal? come on, throw me a bone. i will take a coffee shop. an independent book store. hell, i will be a secretary. anything but corporate america, please. no more bath and body works.

are you trying to teach me patience, God? i know how to be patient, i really do. i think you have tried to teach me that before. but the thing is - and this may be a little harsh, God - but ... i don't want to be patient. i want to know. i want to know where You want me to go. i want to know what You want me to do. i want to know what is going to tug my heart next. when can i go to africa? when can i start serving people again? i know it's unreasonable, but i am getting anxious.

please, God. just a little attention here. throw a glance my way? speak into the breeze that passes by my ear. a little something in the morning mist would do just fine. even a dream. well, that might be a little frightening. ok, whatever You think best. i am trying to listen ... just when i get bored, i turn something on. i haven't been able to hear You for a while now. my path has been pretty ... well, obvious, until now.

i know You love me. i know there is something out there. and i really do know i cannot sit back and just wait for You to drop something in my lap. i must work, must look, must seek. but God, it's pretty hard. i just would love a little direction.

and if i could ask for one more thing, God, it would be for clarity. well, buried inside that request hides several others. for clarity in feelings, in hope, in intentions, actions. what i should and shouldn't hope for. and honestly, if you could have him speak his mind and me speak mine - with no complications on our friendship - that would be absolutely amazing. bordering on perfection.

it's been a while now since i have felt this frustrated. i know i need to make decisions and follow them. but i have no options that i can see to make decisions based on. it is very ... draining. i am in a position right now where i am suffocating in lack of adventure, community, and a certain form of support. and it has made life a little weary. sleeping is difficult to do - not because i am tired, but because i feel like i am wasting time. but while i am awake, i have nothing to do. nothing to work for.

i need to breathe.

not like this, not like i had intended for this break.

i need to breath ...

life again.

i cannot wait to see a certain two loves in a couple of weeks again. and after that, i cannot wait to re-enter that community for a fourth time. but i know this time it will be very different than ever before. surrounded by different people, but people i am excited to invest in and get to know more and more. excited to share in their dreams and find out how i can be involved in them. to hear how the Beloved is speaking to them and how they are working His Love in this world. i hope this will begin yet another adventure in this life, and perhaps give me the clarity and hope i am asking for.

so in short ... i need to get back to california. if i had it my way, i would be driving there tomorrow. i have a backpack full of clothes and a box full of books for my backseat. my cameras spread across the car. and an atlas for my lap. maybe a little gas money would help, but besides that, i am craving the company of my community yet again.

i am seeking new life. i am afraid that it is on hold until i return to the coast. how do i make it begin now? otherwise, i am treading water in a pool of expectations for another two weeks. i need to challenge myself while wading in this pool. while waiting for a new life yet again.

time to create a new adventure.

oh, boy.
k.

p.s. i need to hear a certain voice soon. i ache.

dearest ic family.

so here i am, finally at 'home'. after a beautiful few months on the road, a crazy week of debriefing, and then an epic road trip up the coast, i have made it back to iowa where i intend to spend a couple of weeks. and then i hope to figure out this thing called life.

anyways.

this past week, i spent a dream week traveling through a place that is only comparable to neverland: the california coast. i traveled with three dear friends, and it was nothing short of epic, amazing, and life-changing. but the brutal fact is that at some point, i have to return to reality. and so i did. it came as i could hardly tear myself away from a dear teammate on the streets of san francisco, clung to another at the airport, and could barely let go of a friend as i departed for my flight.

as i sat on the flight, ironically returning from san francisco to a place i had just come from (by the name of los angeles), i continued thinking. i began to realize the full impact of being alone for the first time ... in a really long time. for the first time, i didn't have my friends with me. i didn't have them with me to tell me i was being stupid, that i was being emotional, that i was talking too loudly on a dune while tresspassing. i didn't have them with me to make me laugh, to show me how to live, to be my supports.

frankly, i felt very, very alone.

as i flew out of california, i began a list of things that i thought about. a kind of stream-of-consciousness thing. what went through my mind as i was shedding this era of my life. i will spare you the gory deatils, but it basically states the obvious: i miss you, you, and you. and especially you. i wish i could have stated the unsaid, but i am just too afraid. that i don't want a normal life (brought to light by the immense amount of business men and women around me). i still had sand on me from the california beaches. that i kept crying. and oh wait, i miss you guys.

and also, that i finally remembered that only HE is enough.

so as i sit here at home, with - for the moment - only my cat as a companion, i miss you all. so much more than i can say. i miss the life we have led together for the past few months, especially for the past week. and i wish that some things didn't have to change, and that we would never have to be jerked out of neverland. i wish that i didn't regress back into who i was before all this life came to culmination, but i fear that i can already feel it beginning. i wish i didn't have to fear what we will become in the future. and i wish that i could tell you all what you mean to me, but i am not sure how to do that. i am not good at expressing my feelings, especially to the people who mean the most to me.

but as i prepare to step into this next stage - whatever it looks like - i know that i will never be able to forget the journey i have traveled the past few months. and more than that, i know i will never be able to forget the sweet, beautiful relationships i have found myself immersed in. yes, there were hard times. and yes, we disagree on some things. but the fact remains that the reason i fear of slipping back into who i was before is because i was changed by you. and i am beginning to see who i can become someday because you have challenged me. and forced me to grow. even when i wished i could just sit back and breathe for once.

i cannot tell you who i will become. and i cannot tell you if we will be friends in another month, year, or ten years from now. but i do know that these past few months have meant more to me than a culmination of several years of my life. i know that i have grown more in the past few months than i have in the most formative years of my life. that i was challenged more than i have ever been. that i will miss you all more than i have ever missed anyone before.

i have begun to experience what community is. what being transparent, honest, and open is like. and what beauty and relief that brings. i know this community is not perfect, but it is the closest i have ever been to seeing the face of God on this earth. because i know in my heart that He rests and resides in this place. and i know that He is planning something huge for this world with and because of the people involved in this movement.

so thank you, beloved friends. i cannot imagine who i would be right now without you all in my life. you have made me into more of me than i have ever been in my life. you have challenged me to live free and to live full. you have made me realize that i need to start living intentionally, and to not rest in that aspiration.

i love you all.
so, so much.

(this is especially for my dear team: suzi, filipe, and kevin. i don't know if i can get the courage to actually send this to you ... )

change begins.

so the adventure has ended.
an era has ended in my life.
and i am not sure what to do now.

i am home for a couple of weeks, which i suppose is a good thing. it is beautiful to see my family again, and i am excited to see my friends throughout the midwest. truly.

but to wake up in the morning - or afternoon - and not have anything to do, not have my dear friends to turn to, not have any adventure to begin, is more than slightly overwhelming.

for the past four months, i have either woken up in a house of over fifty people, in a stranger's home that is housing my three closest loves, or in a car with three incredible friends. believe me when i tell you that waking up alone and without this close, tight-knit group is much, much harder than i anticipated.

i discovered while on tour that i want to be around people who make me alive. i need it in order to grow. i need to keep growing, to keep being challenged, to be around the people who do those things to me. here at home, i hate to say it, but i am not around those people. i have friends that i will visit that wake me up in certain areas of growth and in my life, but i am too easily complacent here. it is too simple for me to slip back into a period in my life that i simply do not want to revisit.

but it is not home that i fear the most, as it is here that i am only visiting. soon i will return to san diego for an untold amount of time, and it is there that i am seeking refuge and solace in order to process this life i have lived for the past few months. and it is here that i hope to continue to grow and seek guidance for my future.

but again ... i want to be around those who make me alive. who make me grow. who make me ... me. but i fear that i have lost those people. one has gone to the desert: my source of comfort and wisdom. another has gone to san francisco: my source of challenge in knowledge and the way i act. and yet a precious another has retreated to the central valley of california: my source of joy, growth, frustration, and life.

so herein lies the dilemma. i can follow them. i really can. i am not connected anywhere, i have no commitments, save an apartment that i have already warned the residents that i may bail on. i have no job, no family, no real set of friends there.

or i can make my own life. i can separate myself from them, let them be themselves, and therein become myself ... in a way that is separate from them.

i know what i would like to do. it is so easy to be a leech. it is so easy to be the one that doesn't create her own path.

it is so simple to be that girl.

but then something can backfire. they may not stay there. i may rediscover yet again that they mean more to me than i mean to them. and then i may discover what i am realizing now - that i need to be my own person.

but how do i stay in their lives? i ten to be a little overbearing ... i tend to miss people more than they miss me. i tend to hurt ... and i ache right now. ache so much.

i miss them.

in the airport on the way home, a dear friend said to me that yes, this is difficult, and yes, this is a crazy transition. but to take comfort in the fact that God is a God of change.

damn it, ad, let me mope.

but i don't want to leave this era behind. but i must. someone must take my place in his life. and his. and hers. and that sucks. where will we all be a month from now?

i need you guys.
i miss you guys.
i love you all so damn much.
i am hurting without you.

it is time to begin a new era, but i am not sure what that will look like. all i know is that i must begin to live more intentionally, because i know that it is going to take more effort than ever to continue this growth. to not slip back into who i was before. because that darkness scares me. and i must begin to become myself. or continue becoming myself.

the processing has begun.

off to eat with my mother.
k.