creating adventure.

ok, God, i am getting impatient. i guess i am ready to see something fall into place. not that i am expecting it ... but yet i am. so far in my life, You have gently guided me along. closing some doors, encouraging me to take others.

i see nothing right now.

i am feel as if i should go to san diego. but in my mind, i hear the faint whispering of only for a while. how long is that? and is that me or You? i know that i am anxious to move around. anxious to experience something new. and afraid of what i could become if i do not find myself the community that i desire.

but what will You bring next? i see things in my loves. a microbrewery ... or australia (or england). teaching. a bookstore. school. a bike trip.

and for me, God? i am not trying to be selfish here. i really am not. all i am asking for is a little guidance. ok, so here i go to san diego, soon. is there a job there? anything with invisible children? nepal? come on, throw me a bone. i will take a coffee shop. an independent book store. hell, i will be a secretary. anything but corporate america, please. no more bath and body works.

are you trying to teach me patience, God? i know how to be patient, i really do. i think you have tried to teach me that before. but the thing is - and this may be a little harsh, God - but ... i don't want to be patient. i want to know. i want to know where You want me to go. i want to know what You want me to do. i want to know what is going to tug my heart next. when can i go to africa? when can i start serving people again? i know it's unreasonable, but i am getting anxious.

please, God. just a little attention here. throw a glance my way? speak into the breeze that passes by my ear. a little something in the morning mist would do just fine. even a dream. well, that might be a little frightening. ok, whatever You think best. i am trying to listen ... just when i get bored, i turn something on. i haven't been able to hear You for a while now. my path has been pretty ... well, obvious, until now.

i know You love me. i know there is something out there. and i really do know i cannot sit back and just wait for You to drop something in my lap. i must work, must look, must seek. but God, it's pretty hard. i just would love a little direction.

and if i could ask for one more thing, God, it would be for clarity. well, buried inside that request hides several others. for clarity in feelings, in hope, in intentions, actions. what i should and shouldn't hope for. and honestly, if you could have him speak his mind and me speak mine - with no complications on our friendship - that would be absolutely amazing. bordering on perfection.

it's been a while now since i have felt this frustrated. i know i need to make decisions and follow them. but i have no options that i can see to make decisions based on. it is very ... draining. i am in a position right now where i am suffocating in lack of adventure, community, and a certain form of support. and it has made life a little weary. sleeping is difficult to do - not because i am tired, but because i feel like i am wasting time. but while i am awake, i have nothing to do. nothing to work for.

i need to breathe.

not like this, not like i had intended for this break.

i need to breath ...

life again.

i cannot wait to see a certain two loves in a couple of weeks again. and after that, i cannot wait to re-enter that community for a fourth time. but i know this time it will be very different than ever before. surrounded by different people, but people i am excited to invest in and get to know more and more. excited to share in their dreams and find out how i can be involved in them. to hear how the Beloved is speaking to them and how they are working His Love in this world. i hope this will begin yet another adventure in this life, and perhaps give me the clarity and hope i am asking for.

so in short ... i need to get back to california. if i had it my way, i would be driving there tomorrow. i have a backpack full of clothes and a box full of books for my backseat. my cameras spread across the car. and an atlas for my lap. maybe a little gas money would help, but besides that, i am craving the company of my community yet again.

i am seeking new life. i am afraid that it is on hold until i return to the coast. how do i make it begin now? otherwise, i am treading water in a pool of expectations for another two weeks. i need to challenge myself while wading in this pool. while waiting for a new life yet again.

time to create a new adventure.

oh, boy.
k.

p.s. i need to hear a certain voice soon. i ache.