i need more grace than i thought.

so much.
so much is happening.

i lay awake in bed for far too long last night, things just streaming through my mind. this is unique; i am usually able to block things out, to fall asleep nearly immediately. i was over watching tv, too distracted to read, and really did not want to listen to music.

i am restless.

restless in that i want to move. i fear i am becoming too comfortable here. spending too much money on the frivolous. watching too much television. not forming the solid relationships i am craving. i am finally seeing friends, but i see them for a lunch and then i know i will be waiting another three years before i see them again. for the most part.

but i am also restless in my thoughts and how i feel. i am restless because i know i want to say something and i want to know. but i am not sure i can face reality. that's dramatic, huh? restless in that i am craving that community that i keep speaking of, but it hit me last night as i stared at my fake stars that i am not sure i know who that community is going to be in san diego. who will be the first person i call to hang out with when i get back?

but honestly, through this whole thing, i feel as if i have been whining. pointing out the horrible facts of the situation, ones that really are not that bad at all. it is as if i am not able to have things exactly my way, and i am just going to cry about it.

i realized, as i broke in the shower the other day, that i am living life. yes, i know how i would love for things to work out for me. i don't want what a lot of people want: i don't want to settle down. i don't want to fall in love so i can have the white picket fence, i don't want to fall in love so we can have kids and raise our family to be the beautiful american dream. i want adventure. i would love him by my side, but the fact is that nothing ever works the way we want them to.
ok that was a detour. what i was trying to say is that although i know how i would like things to work out, that is not the way that they are going to work out. that would be way too simple. and incredibly predictable.

ugh, why did i not realize that before? this is life, after all.

but i realized that this is the hard road. the road that life, that my Beloved, is taking me down. it should not be surprising that i am going to be uncomfortable. that i am not going to be living with the people i would like to live with. that i am not going to be surrounded by the community of my team and the people that are fueling me constantly. no. instead, i am going to have to rely on God.

great.

this came in a moment of sweet revelation. and honestly, surprisingly, it brought a great amount of relief. it was a reminder, as i sat beneath the pounding water, my tears mixed in with the shower water, of how to live life. that i really do want to be where He wants me to be. and that it is so damn hard at times. but it was there that i was actually honest with God in a really, really long time.

i am not sure if much of this makes sense. i think it is me thinking through a lot of things, needing to write them down so i don't forget in another month's time why i believe it to be so important that i am in san diego. as i mentioned before, i hear the faint call of only a short time in this area, and perhaps that is a figment of my imagination, but i am truly waiting to hear the whisper of the Beloved as i both wait and search for where i am led next.

i am ready to move out of myself yet again.
california stars, i am ready to lay beneath you yet again.
pacific, i am going to breathe you in and not let you out.
community, i am seeking you out. because i need the life you bring.

dear giver of Grace, i am trying to rely on You once more.

what is this life?
what is this Love?

i am ready for more.
again.

k.