so here i am, finally at 'home'. after a beautiful few months on the road, a crazy week of debriefing, and then an epic road trip up the coast, i have made it back to iowa where i intend to spend a couple of weeks. and then i hope to figure out this thing called life.
anyways.
this past week, i spent a dream week traveling through a place that is only comparable to neverland: the california coast. i traveled with three dear friends, and it was nothing short of epic, amazing, and life-changing. but the brutal fact is that at some point, i have to return to reality. and so i did. it came as i could hardly tear myself away from a dear teammate on the streets of san francisco, clung to another at the airport, and could barely let go of a friend as i departed for my flight.
as i sat on the flight, ironically returning from san francisco to a place i had just come from (by the name of los angeles), i continued thinking. i began to realize the full impact of being alone for the first time ... in a really long time. for the first time, i didn't have my friends with me. i didn't have them with me to tell me i was being stupid, that i was being emotional, that i was talking too loudly on a dune while tresspassing. i didn't have them with me to make me laugh, to show me how to live, to be my supports.
frankly, i felt very, very alone.
as i flew out of california, i began a list of things that i thought about. a kind of stream-of-consciousness thing. what went through my mind as i was shedding this era of my life. i will spare you the gory deatils, but it basically states the obvious: i miss you, you, and you. and especially you. i wish i could have stated the unsaid, but i am just too afraid. that i don't want a normal life (brought to light by the immense amount of business men and women around me). i still had sand on me from the california beaches. that i kept crying. and oh wait, i miss you guys.
and also, that i finally remembered that only HE is enough.
so as i sit here at home, with - for the moment - only my cat as a companion, i miss you all. so much more than i can say. i miss the life we have led together for the past few months, especially for the past week. and i wish that some things didn't have to change, and that we would never have to be jerked out of neverland. i wish that i didn't regress back into who i was before all this life came to culmination, but i fear that i can already feel it beginning. i wish i didn't have to fear what we will become in the future. and i wish that i could tell you all what you mean to me, but i am not sure how to do that. i am not good at expressing my feelings, especially to the people who mean the most to me.
anyways.
this past week, i spent a dream week traveling through a place that is only comparable to neverland: the california coast. i traveled with three dear friends, and it was nothing short of epic, amazing, and life-changing. but the brutal fact is that at some point, i have to return to reality. and so i did. it came as i could hardly tear myself away from a dear teammate on the streets of san francisco, clung to another at the airport, and could barely let go of a friend as i departed for my flight.
as i sat on the flight, ironically returning from san francisco to a place i had just come from (by the name of los angeles), i continued thinking. i began to realize the full impact of being alone for the first time ... in a really long time. for the first time, i didn't have my friends with me. i didn't have them with me to tell me i was being stupid, that i was being emotional, that i was talking too loudly on a dune while tresspassing. i didn't have them with me to make me laugh, to show me how to live, to be my supports.
frankly, i felt very, very alone.
as i flew out of california, i began a list of things that i thought about. a kind of stream-of-consciousness thing. what went through my mind as i was shedding this era of my life. i will spare you the gory deatils, but it basically states the obvious: i miss you, you, and you. and especially you. i wish i could have stated the unsaid, but i am just too afraid. that i don't want a normal life (brought to light by the immense amount of business men and women around me). i still had sand on me from the california beaches. that i kept crying. and oh wait, i miss you guys.
and also, that i finally remembered that only HE is enough.
so as i sit here at home, with - for the moment - only my cat as a companion, i miss you all. so much more than i can say. i miss the life we have led together for the past few months, especially for the past week. and i wish that some things didn't have to change, and that we would never have to be jerked out of neverland. i wish that i didn't regress back into who i was before all this life came to culmination, but i fear that i can already feel it beginning. i wish i didn't have to fear what we will become in the future. and i wish that i could tell you all what you mean to me, but i am not sure how to do that. i am not good at expressing my feelings, especially to the people who mean the most to me.
but as i prepare to step into this next stage - whatever it looks like - i know that i will never be able to forget the journey i have traveled the past few months. and more than that, i know i will never be able to forget the sweet, beautiful relationships i have found myself immersed in. yes, there were hard times. and yes, we disagree on some things. but the fact remains that the reason i fear of slipping back into who i was before is because i was changed by you. and i am beginning to see who i can become someday because you have challenged me. and forced me to grow. even when i wished i could just sit back and breathe for once.
i cannot tell you who i will become. and i cannot tell you if we will be friends in another month, year, or ten years from now. but i do know that these past few months have meant more to me than a culmination of several years of my life. i know that i have grown more in the past few months than i have in the most formative years of my life. that i was challenged more than i have ever been. that i will miss you all more than i have ever missed anyone before.
i have begun to experience what community is. what being transparent, honest, and open is like. and what beauty and relief that brings. i know this community is not perfect, but it is the closest i have ever been to seeing the face of God on this earth. because i know in my heart that He rests and resides in this place. and i know that He is planning something huge for this world with and because of the people involved in this movement.
so thank you, beloved friends. i cannot imagine who i would be right now without you all in my life. you have made me into more of me than i have ever been in my life. you have challenged me to live free and to live full. you have made me realize that i need to start living intentionally, and to not rest in that aspiration.
i love you all.
so, so much.
(this is especially for my dear team: suzi, filipe, and kevin. i don't know if i can get the courage to actually send this to you ... )
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