keeping poor.

i keep saying how living poor is the best way.

well.
it's about time i put that into practice.

time to learn how to live simple.
[without living in a van.]

to life.
k.

i just try to keep myself poor, you know?
guy i met in big sur.

teach me.

community.
is beautiful.

even in the early stages,
it is beginning to take form.

and the vision that is being crafted
is ... making me alive.
i think it is making us all alive.

so soon.
well ... now.
it is beginning.

live.
k.

i'm searching ...

... for what it means.

'the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.'
gal. 5:6

love.
God.
love.
people.

ready for community.
too much alone time.

time to get plugged in.

USE ME.
please.

k.

hello, sunshine.

day two in san diego.

i am currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop in the area, eating a delicious bowl of granola and fruit, sipping on a cup of coffee, and marveling at the fact that a man just walked in who looks like the spitting image of dave from 'flight of the conchords'. what a place.

so needless to say, chelsea and i made it out to san diego. we roadtripped out here, which turned out to look compeltely different than we expected (i told you so). i saw people who are incredibly dear to me, and saw them for longer than i had even dared to hope for. it refreshed me, but also makes me wish for their presence even now. all in all, the road trip was good, but i can honestly say i am glad to be out of a moving vehicle. for the first time in months.

coming out here was not an easy decision for me, and there were many, many times i doubted if this is where i am supposed to be. even to the point where while i was in northern california, i almost dropped it all and just stayed. it would have been simple. but i reached a point where i may have actually heard God whisper to me, you'll see, answering my question of as to why i am going to be in san diego.

while i was in iowa, all i could tell people about my plan is that i know - or i think i know - i am supposed to go back to san diego. to talk to these people about a community. and to search out what comes next.

i don't know why.

but i think ... i think something is moving. i have felt it for the past few months. that something is moving, waking up in this world. maybe it is just within my group of friends. the beautiful community that is being birthed by those who i have experienced invisible children with. the people back home that i can talk to about the breathtaking, haunting realization that there is something more than what we are living for right now.

to be honest, when i was back in iowa, i had to be very, very real with God. tell Him i had no idea what He was thinking, that i am going back to a place i don't necessarily want to go, and that i was not going to have the people around me that i wanted. specific people. and i came to the incredibly obvious realization that i was being asked to take the hard road. finally. but the 'ard road', i believe, is just a way of saying that i don't know what the future holds. it is a representation of what learning to trust looks like.

so while i had eight full days on the road to think, process, regret, hope, and be excited at the same time, i had less than 24 hours in san diego before i was challenged. before i had the conversation that i have been praying and hoping for ... for weeks. i was able to express that i am feeling the same way, hoping for the same things, asking the same questions. and i once again was part of the dreaming process. surrounded by people who are not afraid to look at the expected, laugh at it, and go beyond.

i know i have to be a part of it.

whatever the future holds, i am getting excited for the adventure. i am accepting that i may be in san diego for a while. i may be here for just a few weeks. but i am getting ready to experience what is coming next. not just experience it ... but to live it.

i am learning to love the people that are in my life. that it is ok to ache for someone that is not present, to wish for their part in the big thing that is taking place here. but to be grateful for who i have.

i must move. i cannot sit still.
it's going to be good.
and i can feel it.

also, i need to get a job.

so here's to day two in san diego. it's going to be an adventure, and i have no idea what it is going to look like.

but that's ok.

ohboy.
kristin.

it's time ... for california stars yet again.

in less than twelve hours, i set out on a new adventure.

here's what i am expecting along the way.

iowa to wyoming. dear friend, hiking, swiming, soaking in nature.

wyoming to salt lake city. exploring, salt lake swimming, temple going.

salt lake city to the great salt flats. requires a picture if nothing else.

great salt flats through nevada. falling asleep at the wheel.

nevada to sacramento. chelsea sees her friend. i am anxious for tomorrow.

sacramento to modesto. meeting up with a person who means the world to me. embracing him and never letting go.

modesto to san francisco. the strongest three-way embrace with him and my other incredible teammate. it's time to breathe again. exploring the city.

san francisco down the coast. dude. big sur. santa cruz. sunsets over the most beautiful coast i have ever seen.

and finally, san diego. learning how to settle. finally learning that it is ok to make a home. missing people up north. loving the people down south.

the beautiful thing about road trips is that you never know what will come. sure i am going to see these places, but every place will be a mystery that is just waking up when we are coming through.

i am ready to be on the road again. i have been itching for adventure for far too long. to sleep beneath the stars. to smoke and talk. and to laugh, oh to laugh again, so so much.

i am ready to breath again.

to start this part of life.

to remember who i was, to keep those remnants, and to move on from there.

to become myself.

to the road.

(!!!!!)

see you in california.

k.

i'd like to dream all my all my troubles away

on a bed of california stars

jump up from my starbed and make another day

underneath my california stars.

[i'm ready for more of this ... ]

i need more grace than i thought.

so much.
so much is happening.

i lay awake in bed for far too long last night, things just streaming through my mind. this is unique; i am usually able to block things out, to fall asleep nearly immediately. i was over watching tv, too distracted to read, and really did not want to listen to music.

i am restless.

restless in that i want to move. i fear i am becoming too comfortable here. spending too much money on the frivolous. watching too much television. not forming the solid relationships i am craving. i am finally seeing friends, but i see them for a lunch and then i know i will be waiting another three years before i see them again. for the most part.

but i am also restless in my thoughts and how i feel. i am restless because i know i want to say something and i want to know. but i am not sure i can face reality. that's dramatic, huh? restless in that i am craving that community that i keep speaking of, but it hit me last night as i stared at my fake stars that i am not sure i know who that community is going to be in san diego. who will be the first person i call to hang out with when i get back?

but honestly, through this whole thing, i feel as if i have been whining. pointing out the horrible facts of the situation, ones that really are not that bad at all. it is as if i am not able to have things exactly my way, and i am just going to cry about it.

i realized, as i broke in the shower the other day, that i am living life. yes, i know how i would love for things to work out for me. i don't want what a lot of people want: i don't want to settle down. i don't want to fall in love so i can have the white picket fence, i don't want to fall in love so we can have kids and raise our family to be the beautiful american dream. i want adventure. i would love him by my side, but the fact is that nothing ever works the way we want them to.
ok that was a detour. what i was trying to say is that although i know how i would like things to work out, that is not the way that they are going to work out. that would be way too simple. and incredibly predictable.

ugh, why did i not realize that before? this is life, after all.

but i realized that this is the hard road. the road that life, that my Beloved, is taking me down. it should not be surprising that i am going to be uncomfortable. that i am not going to be living with the people i would like to live with. that i am not going to be surrounded by the community of my team and the people that are fueling me constantly. no. instead, i am going to have to rely on God.

great.

this came in a moment of sweet revelation. and honestly, surprisingly, it brought a great amount of relief. it was a reminder, as i sat beneath the pounding water, my tears mixed in with the shower water, of how to live life. that i really do want to be where He wants me to be. and that it is so damn hard at times. but it was there that i was actually honest with God in a really, really long time.

i am not sure if much of this makes sense. i think it is me thinking through a lot of things, needing to write them down so i don't forget in another month's time why i believe it to be so important that i am in san diego. as i mentioned before, i hear the faint call of only a short time in this area, and perhaps that is a figment of my imagination, but i am truly waiting to hear the whisper of the Beloved as i both wait and search for where i am led next.

i am ready to move out of myself yet again.
california stars, i am ready to lay beneath you yet again.
pacific, i am going to breathe you in and not let you out.
community, i am seeking you out. because i need the life you bring.

dear giver of Grace, i am trying to rely on You once more.

what is this life?
what is this Love?

i am ready for more.
again.

k.