new season.

today it feels like summer.

you know, the very beginning of summer when you first start to notice the birds waking you and the sunrise that paints bubblegum pinks and blues? when the days are warm and sunny, singling out the mornings and evenings that are cool, crisp, and damp?

i know these days should bring me comfort, but they instead cause my stomach to dance and my heart to race. i always do this: i compare how i feel to times in life. and beginning of summer always means one thing: a new season of life. which, of course, is right where i am at now.

in these days of uncertainty, when i am impatiently waiting for something i never event wanted to patiently wait for (i.e. a paycheck), i am finding comfort in people, of all things. good friends who feed me and save me from living in my car. friends who let me cook for them and play guitar on their couches. who tell me the truth about things that may hurt. that are displaying love to me and for some reason don't hold back.

i am ready for my life to be slightly more stable so i can discover what showing love means in this new setting of community and creative action. i am ready to be supporting myself and expanding my brain yet again. to explore what taking a next step means and who i am in the context of searching for what to live for ...

you see, i think being absurd is actually all right sometimes, better than that in fact: it makes it easier to forgive one another and be properly humble; one can't understand everything in a flash, after all, you can't start off with perfection! to attain perfection you have to start off by being ignorant of many things! if we understand things too quickly we may not understand them properly...
prince myshkin [fyodor dostoevsky, 'the idiot']

in the morning.

san diego has captured my soul.
& i don't think i am leaving any time soon.

praises for freedom
& life.

1968.

do you ever feel like something is just playing with your mind?

like the year 1968?

conversations, movies, radio shows have all dominated the happenings of this year. mlk jr. assassinated, bobby kennedy gone, the chicago march on the democratic national convention. more bob dylan music playing through my speakers.

what does this have to teach me?
i guess i'll just have to see.

anyways. no news yet on san francisco. but i am living with two of my favorite guys right now, and it's seriously like heaven for me. it's so good to be around critical thought, laughter, and emotion all at the same time. no internet (except at the library), but lots of reading, guitar, and music.

all in all ... life is pretty decent right now. sure, i'd like to know where i will be in a month, but if i have to be in limbo, this is the best place to be at.

now, let's all meditate on the wisdom of dostoevsky as i close this petty post ...

what matters is life, life alone, the continuous and infinite process of discovering it, not the discovery itself!
[from 'the idiot'].

after all, beauty indeed will save the world.
[that's dostoevsky again].

off to make some journals or something.
k.

one, two, stream of consciousness, go.

tired of wasting
it all.
beginning
anew.

i really am at the bottom this time. and i honestly don't know where to turn. the world is unfolding before me, like a map. like the world it is supposed to be.

through the haze of acceptance and laziness, i am remembering the beauty and draw of adventure.

i'm entertaining the thought of selling it all and giving to the poor. no, not even that ... living as the poor, amongst the poor.

i refuse to believe money is necessary, but have to bend to fulfill this society's desires at times. i need just enough to live, but to be honest, i don't even have that right now.

the fear of loneliness is overwhelming at times, but then i remember that community and love is all around. the imperfect love of people is all i have at almost every moment of every day, and i am learning that this, along with Love's love, is enough (thank you, ms. lamott).

now, really though. i have realized that this dark and winding road at the bottom of everything has been a long time coming. i have been falling for quite a while, flailing as i search for anything i believe in. but i am hoping to learn to trust, and i am scanning the darkness for any sign of light. i really think it will be His, and i really think i won't have to look too hard.

time is passing and time is tolling. these couple of months have been some of the hardest in a while. but i'm ready to not be wasteful any more. and i'm ready to start moving one more time.

time to create some adventure.
to ride some bikes.
to play some music.
live in a garage.
sleep in a car.
converse with some people.
dance in the unknown,
& see Love in other people's faces.

[finally.]

end stream of consciousness.