one, two, stream of consciousness, go.

tired of wasting
it all.
beginning
anew.

i really am at the bottom this time. and i honestly don't know where to turn. the world is unfolding before me, like a map. like the world it is supposed to be.

through the haze of acceptance and laziness, i am remembering the beauty and draw of adventure.

i'm entertaining the thought of selling it all and giving to the poor. no, not even that ... living as the poor, amongst the poor.

i refuse to believe money is necessary, but have to bend to fulfill this society's desires at times. i need just enough to live, but to be honest, i don't even have that right now.

the fear of loneliness is overwhelming at times, but then i remember that community and love is all around. the imperfect love of people is all i have at almost every moment of every day, and i am learning that this, along with Love's love, is enough (thank you, ms. lamott).

now, really though. i have realized that this dark and winding road at the bottom of everything has been a long time coming. i have been falling for quite a while, flailing as i search for anything i believe in. but i am hoping to learn to trust, and i am scanning the darkness for any sign of light. i really think it will be His, and i really think i won't have to look too hard.

time is passing and time is tolling. these couple of months have been some of the hardest in a while. but i'm ready to not be wasteful any more. and i'm ready to start moving one more time.

time to create some adventure.
to ride some bikes.
to play some music.
live in a garage.
sleep in a car.
converse with some people.
dance in the unknown,
& see Love in other people's faces.

[finally.]

end stream of consciousness.