jargon.

eff it all.

i just wrote a much more poetic entry. the blackness of night bring clarity more often than i realize .. sometimes i get so full and it finally spills over, if only for me to come back to a couple of days or months later to be refreshed. but that's gone.

gist of it all, this week has been a vast array of emotions. ranging from the normal to the bottom of everything, a place my soul rarely dares to visit. only when others are needing my presence and distracting my mind ..

but through it all, i saw the most beautiful things. my friends caring for me. it sounds so simple, so conceited almost. but these people are the reason i am in san diego. they are the people who are starting to know me, and it seems now because they actually want to. there is a reason i went to them first with this situation.

i once read that to be know, to let someone love you, is one of the most beautiful and best lessons one can learn in life. that one can experience. it risks vulnerability. i don't want anyone to see my cry. to know i am even slightly weak. but when that comes, the eyes that search my face become more welcoming. the words spoken and hugs given, hands held and smiles offered, become so much more sincere and dear. and i am so, so grateful.

the best part is .. i get to stick around. for so long it has been one near-trauma after another, but my friends are only my present company. it is part of my experiment in staying in one place .. we get to know each other. and care for each other. and love each other. it is frightening, but incredibly welcome.

i wish i had that other entry ... it expressed my heart so much more efficently and eloquently than this is at the moment.

they are .. this is .. my day to day.

this is love.
i would lay down my life for my friends.
and i believe they would lay down theirs for mine.
there is nothing greater in this world.
maybe for the first time .. i truly believe that.

beloved,
i think i have found
my neverland.

wendydarling.