an answer, please?

i wish there was some way to calm this searching heart.
to soften the ache that starts so quickly and spreads so slowly. but efficiently.

i wish i could be the one to take a deep breathe and convince myself that it will all work out.
that tomorrow will come, and it will be beautiful.

i wish i could live all moments remembering purpose.
to make decisions that are based in that premise.

i wish that i did not have to join the system in order to survive.
to work needless jobs to pay a needless rent to live this hopeful life.

i could spend tomorrow here or there.
which is right?

i could spend this week here or there.
is there an answer?

i could spend this life with my head down, just making my way along.
or i could spend it searching, looking for the beauty and ways to serve.

i could spend this fall in california or in africa.
it could be really simple.

first i need to figure out whether i should spend the next few days living in joy with loved ones, or return to san diego to pursue a job and money.

damn damn damn.

i sometimes wish life had an answer. i love adventure, but some sense would be nice sometimes.

i'm sleeping in sacramento tonight. that's all i know.
k.