way of love.

life has been so interesting lately.
and by interesting, i mean ... boring.

i stood on my porch tonight, smoking a cheap cigarette, and wondering if this is what i am supposed to be doing. if here is where i am supposed to be. if this is the life i am supposed to be given.

as i stared up at the sky, the clouds illuminated by the millions of lights below it, i realized something that i have barely given thought to as of late. that i have one life, that i have been gifted this life, and i want to live it right.

i went to church a couple of weeks ago, and the pastor said something to the effect of 'you have one life, but if you live it right, one is enough.' i just took it as a cliche statement then, but the gravity of it started to weight on me tonight. am i living it right? will this be enough?

another dear friend of mine has stated that in her life, she wants to get to the end and not have anything left to give. to do everything she can to love and to help others live to their fullest.

i feel like the past few weeks i have been doing more than settling. i have been comfortable settling. and i hate that. i have been ok with sitting on my computer, searching for jobs, and staring alternatively at the computer and tv screen. all while my former life slips away. i start to forget what it is like to live. to have adventure. to pour into someone's life. to see someone's face light up when they finally just get it. they start to understand what life is about.

i miss that life.

but lately i have begun to realize that i have been pining too too much for the past. i miss it immensly. i miss certain people to the core of me. but i have to start living here. i have to start making a new life. i can miss the old, i can value it, but i need something that i can start living for now. because living for the past is living in it, and that is just wasting time, life, and vision.

i have always said that i do not regret anything. i certainly have wished for other things in my life, and wished that i would have made other decisions. but i am beginning to regret this. and i hate that. i am longing to be in another place. i love san diego, i love the ocean, and i love the people here. but after a month of it, i am dissatisfied. but maybe it's ok ... maybe this is the uncomfortableness i was searching for, and it is disguised.

but i begin to wonder. why was i so ready to stay in the northern part of california? why do people keep saying that they could see me living in san francisco? why is it that my ideals and values fit more with that culture and lifestyle than they do down here? why didn't i live only an hour away from someone who i could see myself with ... why am i seven hours away, and i could have missed out on something incredible? maybe nothing would have happened, but at least i would have given it a chance.

i think .. starting right now, i am going to look for jobs elsewhere. i have always warned people that i might not stay down here for long. maybe this is the start of it. maybe when i go up north with katie in a couple of weeks, i stay there for a while and see what happens. maybe i will find myself right back down here.

i know i have said that i wanted to be in san diego for the development of this community. that is the primary reason i am here, to be blatant. and when i think about that, when i talk about it, when i am in the presence of fellow dreamers, i feel at home. finally. but ... i ache. it's hard to describe. do i stay around for that? or search for something else, somewhere else? do i take this and bring it to another part of the country? not that i can forsee myself as being the forerunner of this movement, but i think with the help of others who see the same way, something could happen.

but then there is this other longing in my life. africa. uganda. nepal.
but then there is this constant lacking of ... money. to make it all happen.

and then there is this hope ... for company through it all.

God, where are you? where am i? what is this all?

we all have some purpose here. i have no idea what i am doing here, how i am being used. but that is a prayer, isn't it? to be used? we talked about that one night. to ask God to use you is the scaries prayer to pray. i am not one to pray much, to be honest, but i prayed that. and i still do. and i am still ... waiting to see how that works out. i wonder if we ever really see it? in full?

so much is in my heart right now. and so much has been masked and dulled in the past few weeks by the frustration of failure, the blinding lights of media, and the constant sounds that i am surrounded by. i need a retreat of some sort. i need a good conversation with someone who truly knows me. i need an embrace and a shoulder.

i need to be real again.

i think i am always thinking about myself. but introspection does that. and searching for a life, a home, and a quest. i am ready to be settled, to have some questions answered, so i can move beyond this. i just keep feeling like i am on the verge of something. of something big, and i can't quite taste it yet. can't quite ... grasp it. i keep feeling for it, but maybe i need to turn around. to be honest with some people. to dance in freedom yet again. to breathe deep in the mysteries of this world.

i need to be alive.

this week should be interesting. in a good way. tomorrow consists of a new church (based in spirituality and not religion, i am excited), chilling with the amaaazing homeless, and i think tomorrow night i will spend by the ocean. and then a week full of goodbyes to a dear friend, as well as fellowship with an amazing group of people.

on another note, i have decided i am not going to spend any money this week. literally. i just purchased a kit for my hair (!!!), and i will spend money for gas, but that's about it. in a sense, i see it as a fasting. depriving myself of something i am usually way too dependent on. and also saving money. i wish i could go a while without the internet, but sadly that is where my job searches are based out of. damn it all.

i am enjoying silence. it's been a while.

and now i can see that this has turned into a steam of consciousness type entry, and i am going to go. stay tuned to see what is happening in my life. if anything. ha. kidding. but not.

love.
[follow the way of love.]
kristinelaine.