dreamcatching (& how the stars, they sing!).

ah, the classic return west.

it comes as winter crests and overwhelms the midwestern horizon, and i feel sunsets tugging me back home. the pacific greets the sun with such fragility and gentleness, it's a sight i can't ever seem to turn away from.

i think back on the past years. two years ago, my first new year's return. returning to a time of tumult and blazing new adventure. it was such a windstorm i can barely remember the scenery.

but most important to contrast this year with is, of course, last year. the pacific greeted me reluctantly in 2009 after a three-week stint lost in snow. i left old memories and the worried eyes of my parents to return to a land of uncertainties. san diego welcomed me with unsure arms, and i found myself lost on freeways and couches and beaches for far too long. 2009 really began for me in springtime, winter was too dark and life's light too dim for me to see anything.

but this year, i leave behind a family that is searching for definition. the blood that ties us all together is being stretched thin. not that this hasn't happened before, but again i am choosing to leave. choosing the waves of water and seas of strangers for the peace i might help bring amidst the fields of iowa.

in the midst of this all, i have never felt more confident of my place in this world. i feel as if i have said this before, but it's been a fool's dream i have been chasing.

until now.

coming home to los angeles, my beautiful roommate appeared through the crazed cars to welcome me with grace. en route to my house, i heard stories, and most of all, i talked to one i find myself returning to time and time again.

i come to a job i adore and am continually streched to fulfill. struggling to make ends meet is a constant joy to bear. disneyland is my playground, and to end it all, my life is continually brightened by the eyes and laughs that surround me.

this is home.

so as 2010 crests the hazy los angeles skyline, happiness is overwhelming. although this season has been one of hardships, sharp turns, and endless searching for truth, life couldn't be lived any other way.

life is one beginning after another.

and for that, and so many other things, i am grateful for the seasickness that 2009 has brought,

and 2010, we're going to have a lot of fun.

cheers, mateys.
let's bring it in right.

[to whispering dreams into the dark,
k.]

some day, things will all make sense. until then, i'll cuddle with my sister & whisper secrets & searchings & fears & cry til we wake the dawn.

alice to the future.

ah, the final drive back from torrance to pasadena for 2009.

as the los angeles skyline crested into view just after midnight, i felt 2009 fade. and honestly, i'm ready for it.

2010 is coming, and i can feel the fresh new life just ebbing away at my consciousness. this has been a year of coming into my own. of recognizing that there are challenges where i used to see blessings, and blessings beneath those challenges and more. i have wandered through houses and cities, and tonight i realized that i have made a home here.

finally.

as my world willingly draws smaller and smaller, i am so grateful for the new arms and limbs of community. as my vagabond heart grows weary, i'm hanging up my running shoes, at least for now. a desire to be known, maybe even more so to know, has been tugging at my heart for months, and i'm finally giving in.

i'll move once more, to be closer to the people that want me to be there. to the friends that are by my side in an instance, even when they're across the globe. to the hearts that search for steady revolution, starting with searching for the truth.

so after a year of denial that the future is coming, i am itching for 2010 to begin. i hope for a year of honesty and a year of searching out truth in the world and in my own life. my heart knows it desires not only servanthood, but to be loved. and it is something i will challenge myself to let happen. to break down distances, to be known. and to know.

to live to always tell the truth. to welcome the future with blind but searching eyes, actively bringing the bright and new.

ah, 2010. i'm so ready for your presence. because, after all, the chase, the new love, is what this life is all about.

'what does life depend on?
... i wish i had made things for life to depend on.'

[extremely loud & incredibly close]

i think i am in the midst of realizing that it's ok, maybe even right & pure & true, to depend on things in life. that it is perhaps a demonstration of heart, and small expression of feeling.

more coming soon.. ? it's been a while since i have written reflectively.

maybe i'll write in the form of a story. it's becoming ingrained in my nature.

but for now, i'm missing a part of me that i am coming to depend on. or that i am realizing i depend on. the atlantic is a far separation, a leap my little heart keeps trying to make.

bangarang, rufio.

oscar wilde is blowing my mind.

'hearts live by being wounded.'

bang.

the thing about
us
is, we
don't have to
play by
the
rules.

but still,
let's
play.

because
life
without you,
not worth
imagining.

i guess fall means the following:

windy freeway mornings with coffee spilling over the mug.
fuzzy la skylines with life buzzing sweetly through.
chilly weekend latenights across the city with someone who means the world.

fall is the rumpus, & i'm still looking for sense in the crazy. it's slow in coming, if at all. this season keeps the questions close at hand.

the wild & wonderful rumpus.

fall excites me.

something about the crisp air makes me wake up every morning with butterflies. the thought of perhaps being able to see my breath when i walk outside is so enthralling. i love seeing blue skies but still wearing my boots.

i don't know what it is about fall. every year i get this good-anxious feeling. the feeling that revives in me memories of other falls, memories of other seasons. it reminds me that life is all about changes, and i love knowing that i have to make this season new. that this fall can't be like last fall or the one before that. that if i am to live this life with the kind of integrity and attention that it deserves, i have to seek the new. every day.

so as the california leaves stay the same, my mind turns over a new leaf. this season brings a skip to my step and an excited shiver up my spine. i love the company i am keeping this season, those eyes that light up my own. i love the challenges that are being brought my way, even though they may seem insurmountable at certain moments. and i love that i am gaining new perspective on life. that i am being constantly reminded that seasons all flow into one life, and that i have to keep working for a future.

i'm addicted to the rumpus, if you will.

so here's to uncertainty & seeking the beauty in it all. to caprices, & seeking the comfort in the now.

[& to afternoons at disneyland that i simply cannot get enough of.]

what a whim.
k.

hi, life.

updates include flying through disneyland with my favorite yesterday, discovery of a dollar theatre less than a mile away, musical treats to get me through the week, & an internship that makes me so happy.

a better post coming. i'm working on my phrasing, working on expression. working on living.. it's tough sometimes. but all new life takes some time to grow into.

fresh laundry.

ah,
the taste of new life. it sighs into my chest, playing with my emotions.

it's going on a month that la has claimed me. a month of taking possessions & finding them a home. a month of new clothes, curious new coffee shops, new freeways with winding mysteries & stories to tell. a month of fresh fears & overly timid beginnings, but with flashing glimpses of life evening out & friendships creeping in.

there's something magical about los angeles, a call that is compelling enough to beg everyone to simply be themselves. to become someone. to play a part in this universal dance, to own up and be who we are called to be. in a city fill with almost-actors & wistful writers, everyone is here to follow their dreams. it's cautiously refreshing. maybe it shouldn't be, but it is.

so it is here. new life is becoming less new & more real. the hopes present while making this journey are either being renewed or reluctantly crushed. it's a rebirthing that is either beautifully refreshing or unexpectedly heartwrenching, depending on this situation. in any case, there are hidden challenges, ones that are shaping us all into who we are going to be in this world. & i can truly and honestly say that i am in the best company i could ask for in this new & glorious step forward.

blessed,
simple as that.
searching,
curious
as always.
learning how to
maintain
hope.

[p.s. i am becoming acutely aware that my writing is becoming quite dull & exhaustingly redundant. it's one of those challenges.. i'm on the case.]

soon..
i return to iowa for a few short days.
and soon..
i will have a beautiful laptop to write stories on & edit life.
therefore,
soon..
i will update.

just in case you're curious.

(a little teaser:
i love la.)

i think i'll start playing around with alliteration.

to begin: on tonight.

a mindful mound of
replaceable mass,
she mourned,
masking the
morose makeup of
makeshift
ministration.

tonight is what
bliss & peace
feel like.

the universe
slows
& turns
at my pace
for just this
once.

the assurance
of good intentions
& hopeful dreams
painted into
reality on
this canvas,

the beautiful colours --
not one, not two,
but three thousand
exploding into
radiant
landscapes &
sunsets of heartfelt
nature.

life is
sweet,
delicate to
the touch.

i'm holding
these moments with
careful joy &
cautious light.

tonight,
this symphony plays
for
us.

[whispering
thanks to
You.. ]

nothing like testing the heartstrings a little.

phew.  here we go.

well,

might as well announce it to the world. that will make it more real. and exciting.

so world.. i'm moving to los angeles.

fjka;fj;kdaj !!!!

my heart's ajumping at the thought of new adventures, new life, a new breath to fill my tired lungs.

a new era is about to begin, my loves. a new era indeed.

k.

no..

it hurts.

turns out i can't block goodbyes from affecting my heart.

even when i know my path is leading his way soon.

the end of an era is never easy to welcome.

even wearing teal instead of black..

i can't tell if my

heart hurts..

or if it's just..

... numb.

pinhole.

i'm not going to lie, sometimes i feel like life is unnecessarily tumultuous.

but i'm always proven wrong.

san diego seems to have change that is always whistling through the air. nothing here ever seems stable, and it's a fact that now i am starting to recognize, i need to run from.

at least for now.

my life has been nothing but unstable for the past ... forever. which i have embraced and played with. but i am beginning to think that this is the time to stay for a while. to learn how to breathe deeply and hold hands. because the relationships that i have formed here end too quickly for my heart to bare, and this next goodbye is one that has hit me the hardest in quite a while.

but with these goodbyes comes an end to an era. i know in my heart it is time for me to move from this spot. now comes the expected lesson in patience. because if i do hear the call as i think i do, now comes the wait on the follow through.

it's hard for me to describe exactly what place i am at my life right now, or exactly what i am feeling. i think that is why i find myself expressing my thoughts through tiny poems and outbursts of emotion. i keep getting the excited feeling that something huge is about to come my way, and that i will fit somewhere. for once. i'm just working on the peace and patience that i feel the need to have while i wait.

so much of these past couple of years has been focused on change and constant redefinition of myself that i have to wonder why this time it is so much harder, why it's harder for me to take. but i think i thought that this was it for a while. i think i thought that the stability and me that was brought out with that one, that was going to get me through. but i have to realize that this time, i'm on my own. that going alone into the universe will make me ... me. and that's what i need to be focused on at this point.

so here's to the next big step in the universe. a few weeks and i think i'll head north. with nothing but a little in the bank to back me this time. and a few phone numbers i can call with precious faces behind them.

that's all for now.

k.

everything is about to change..

.. again.

[butterflies..]

time,
steady your
shaking,
anxious
hand.

breathe the calm
of treading
the moment.

guide my wandering
thoughts,
trace his eyes
to mine,
and bring this
frightened
heart
home.

[time, take 2.]

time,

steady your hand,

stay your blow,

just this once,

love, please.

praying to the showerhead once again.
hands held open,
as if welcoming, waiting for this rain.
a cleanse,
a fresh start.

a conscious decision to stare up yet again,
to dive into the confusion of that which is unseen.
universe, speak.
god, who?

as the old, closed tunnel reforms into a bright, new path,
it is not me who brings me back.
not this time.

it is for you..

universe, guide.
god, love.

revel in the
present,
look not to the
future.
reading palms
& searching
stars can only
go so far.

who & what
we are
now
is radiant
enough.

'they confound the radiance of the stars of heaven with the radiations which a duck's foot leaves in the mud.'
[victor hugo, 'les miserables']

your words
sang sweet
some peace
this heart
drank dear.

[exploring
love in
many
contexts..]

bonjour, amor.

i'm finding it hard to discover things to write about these days.

lately, my days have been filled both with children's temper tantrums and naively beautiful sayings, with frenzied and furied phone calls, as well as rejoicing and searching voices. with my thoughts swinging from searching for a place to thinking i have been found.

in a word: instability.

a new house, new neighborhood, new jobs. a group of friends who are all finding our own place. jobs taking time, discovering who gives us comfort and love.

but i feel this is a time of self discovery, of stabilization. realizing that i am me, and being accepted for who we each are is something that everyone is seeking.

so anyways. felt the need to update for a moment. and now i'm over it. off to the beach and seeing some dear ones tonight.

wishing for complete honesty in all parts of life ..
kristin.

walked on the
other side of
the road
today.

wonder if
that
will make
the difference.

on a day
stained with
shattered
glass & holy
darkness,

a smile
&
a presence
guides the
way.

the
universe
is a
whispered
thankful
choir.
k.

a clearing.

I love the story of Lazarus.

I wish I could say that it's a story I have always loved. That I have identified with since I was young. That it has been there, along with all the stories in the Book, alongside me growing up. But I don't know if that's true anymore.

And I honestly can't tell you what I believe right now. I haven't been too big on the whole religion thing for quite a while now. It's been a lot of searching, some praying to a greater Being that I still cling to, and a lot of realizing that this world has much to offer and to teach. And that Love has a way of shining through in each corner of this world.

But as I sat on my friends' porch tonight, opening my Bible for the first time in ages, only doing so accompanied by a cigarette and night's solemn solace, I searched the pages for comfort.

The world is jumbled in a way I haven't felt it in quite a while. The skies have been clouding as of late, and to be honest, it's been hard to see through. A job being lost, me still searching for a home, friends trying to be provided for and a place, and now one more thing that I can't fix - the loss of someone dear to one of my dearest ones.

But as I read about Lazarus tonight .. no, as I read about Jesus tonight, my throat began to tighten. Because I believe Jesus would have held my hand tonight as I told my friend that I was so sorry and asked him if he was alright. He would have squeezed it tight, turned and walked with that other one to his house, carrying his beer and guiding his bike for him. And I believe that Jesus would have smoked that cigarette with me, whispering to my soul that the skies will clear. But that it's ok to feel this way.

He did.

If I am going to follow someone, he or she has to have emotion. They have to be real with me. Eff it all, they have to be human. And maybe for the first time, I see God as a human.

Jesus wept when Lazarus died. Jesus loved. And Jesus was human, just like me.

I still don't know what I believe. But knowning that he would cry right along with me, that he would drink beer with us and smoke alongside us, he would listen .. it's quite beautiful.

He is surrounded by a cloud of saints. Ghandi would have done the same thing, I firmly believe it. Mother Theresa would have been there rubbing my back, weeping with us. My athiest and agnostic friend would be here in a second if possible. And my friends that are doing the same, that are fighting the same fight, we're still learning from all of them.

I'm not trying to make this poetic, beautiful, or even try to make sense of it. But God seems more human tonight than he has in ages. It makes me believe just a bit more that behind the clouds, there is something more. And even if there isn't, there is a strange reason we hold people in high esteem, that we follow them: because they are human. Because they feel. And then they act.

I'm still trying ...

kristinelaine.

it is not that we can live on hope alone,
but that life is not worth living without
hope.
[harvey milk.]

p.s. sorry if this was cliche. epiphanies often are. but they are meant to be shared, i do believe.

abounding &
soaking in family
ties

but simply
days away
& aching for
my other
half(-ves).

maybe home
has finally
found
me.

the west
wind will
always
call me
back.

jargon.

eff it all.

i just wrote a much more poetic entry. the blackness of night bring clarity more often than i realize .. sometimes i get so full and it finally spills over, if only for me to come back to a couple of days or months later to be refreshed. but that's gone.

gist of it all, this week has been a vast array of emotions. ranging from the normal to the bottom of everything, a place my soul rarely dares to visit. only when others are needing my presence and distracting my mind ..

but through it all, i saw the most beautiful things. my friends caring for me. it sounds so simple, so conceited almost. but these people are the reason i am in san diego. they are the people who are starting to know me, and it seems now because they actually want to. there is a reason i went to them first with this situation.

i once read that to be know, to let someone love you, is one of the most beautiful and best lessons one can learn in life. that one can experience. it risks vulnerability. i don't want anyone to see my cry. to know i am even slightly weak. but when that comes, the eyes that search my face become more welcoming. the words spoken and hugs given, hands held and smiles offered, become so much more sincere and dear. and i am so, so grateful.

the best part is .. i get to stick around. for so long it has been one near-trauma after another, but my friends are only my present company. it is part of my experiment in staying in one place .. we get to know each other. and care for each other. and love each other. it is frightening, but incredibly welcome.

i wish i had that other entry ... it expressed my heart so much more efficently and eloquently than this is at the moment.

they are .. this is .. my day to day.

this is love.
i would lay down my life for my friends.
and i believe they would lay down theirs for mine.
there is nothing greater in this world.
maybe for the first time .. i truly believe that.

beloved,
i think i have found
my neverland.

wendydarling.

when the universe slaps me in the face,
hell, i'll take it.
i know i am a fuck up.
i live out of my car.
let's be honest here.

but when the universe,
when Love seems to dance away,
from the people i love,
i cave inside.

that's when i need people more than ever.
and that's when i push you away.

new season.

today it feels like summer.

you know, the very beginning of summer when you first start to notice the birds waking you and the sunrise that paints bubblegum pinks and blues? when the days are warm and sunny, singling out the mornings and evenings that are cool, crisp, and damp?

i know these days should bring me comfort, but they instead cause my stomach to dance and my heart to race. i always do this: i compare how i feel to times in life. and beginning of summer always means one thing: a new season of life. which, of course, is right where i am at now.

in these days of uncertainty, when i am impatiently waiting for something i never event wanted to patiently wait for (i.e. a paycheck), i am finding comfort in people, of all things. good friends who feed me and save me from living in my car. friends who let me cook for them and play guitar on their couches. who tell me the truth about things that may hurt. that are displaying love to me and for some reason don't hold back.

i am ready for my life to be slightly more stable so i can discover what showing love means in this new setting of community and creative action. i am ready to be supporting myself and expanding my brain yet again. to explore what taking a next step means and who i am in the context of searching for what to live for ...

you see, i think being absurd is actually all right sometimes, better than that in fact: it makes it easier to forgive one another and be properly humble; one can't understand everything in a flash, after all, you can't start off with perfection! to attain perfection you have to start off by being ignorant of many things! if we understand things too quickly we may not understand them properly...
prince myshkin [fyodor dostoevsky, 'the idiot']

in the morning.

san diego has captured my soul.
& i don't think i am leaving any time soon.

praises for freedom
& life.

1968.

do you ever feel like something is just playing with your mind?

like the year 1968?

conversations, movies, radio shows have all dominated the happenings of this year. mlk jr. assassinated, bobby kennedy gone, the chicago march on the democratic national convention. more bob dylan music playing through my speakers.

what does this have to teach me?
i guess i'll just have to see.

anyways. no news yet on san francisco. but i am living with two of my favorite guys right now, and it's seriously like heaven for me. it's so good to be around critical thought, laughter, and emotion all at the same time. no internet (except at the library), but lots of reading, guitar, and music.

all in all ... life is pretty decent right now. sure, i'd like to know where i will be in a month, but if i have to be in limbo, this is the best place to be at.

now, let's all meditate on the wisdom of dostoevsky as i close this petty post ...

what matters is life, life alone, the continuous and infinite process of discovering it, not the discovery itself!
[from 'the idiot'].

after all, beauty indeed will save the world.
[that's dostoevsky again].

off to make some journals or something.
k.

one, two, stream of consciousness, go.

tired of wasting
it all.
beginning
anew.

i really am at the bottom this time. and i honestly don't know where to turn. the world is unfolding before me, like a map. like the world it is supposed to be.

through the haze of acceptance and laziness, i am remembering the beauty and draw of adventure.

i'm entertaining the thought of selling it all and giving to the poor. no, not even that ... living as the poor, amongst the poor.

i refuse to believe money is necessary, but have to bend to fulfill this society's desires at times. i need just enough to live, but to be honest, i don't even have that right now.

the fear of loneliness is overwhelming at times, but then i remember that community and love is all around. the imperfect love of people is all i have at almost every moment of every day, and i am learning that this, along with Love's love, is enough (thank you, ms. lamott).

now, really though. i have realized that this dark and winding road at the bottom of everything has been a long time coming. i have been falling for quite a while, flailing as i search for anything i believe in. but i am hoping to learn to trust, and i am scanning the darkness for any sign of light. i really think it will be His, and i really think i won't have to look too hard.

time is passing and time is tolling. these couple of months have been some of the hardest in a while. but i'm ready to not be wasteful any more. and i'm ready to start moving one more time.

time to create some adventure.
to ride some bikes.
to play some music.
live in a garage.
sleep in a car.
converse with some people.
dance in the unknown,
& see Love in other people's faces.

[finally.]

end stream of consciousness.

unamerican beauty.

p.s.
i am going to stop pretending i have it all together.
my mind hasn't stopped spinning in weeks .. months, really.
& it seems i would give anything to finally have some clarity in this life.

but ..

the muddled messes give way to the clear streams if you look hard enough.
& the birds still sing even when it isn't quite spring.

& when the fog finally clears at the end of this life,
it's not hard to believe that the tears caused by this
beauty will happily and joyfully blind my straining eyes.

"and that's the day i knew there was this entire life behind things, and .. this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever ... but it helps me remember .. and i need to remember .. sometimes there's so much beauty in the world i feel like i can't take it .. like my heart's going to cave in."
[american beauty.]

pacific sun.

back and
forth. back
and forth.

here or
there.

this path or
that path.

nothing is clear to me anymore.
one day it's obvious,
and the next day the same ..
except obvious for the other path.

if i strive for Love and
strive to serve,
ultimately ... where
should i go? does it
really matter if i am
being used in both?

i am hoping for some clarity
and the ability to realize
where my priorities actually
lie.

thank goodness for community,
for loves,
and for the ocean constantly
by my side.

It begins today.

Unbelievable.

Today brings in the next era of America, and I can confidently say that today, I am proud to be an America.

Cheers.

the lightness.

tonight,
all my homes are calling out to me.
& my heart ...
oh, it aches.

san diego brings me home tomorrow.
iowa family begs me to stay.
uganda reminds me of living.
college laughs at me.

do you ever just need a place to belong?
is it possible to belong in too many?

regardless,
i am grateful for them all in ways words cannot express.
but this heart is being pulled in all directions,
& this beauty is being absorbed
& i am re-re-re-realizing l o v e.

[you were right about the stars
each one is a setting sun ... ]

i miss you
& wish your face was
the first to see in the west.

[p.s. i'm bringing
the guitar this
time.]

k.

bright eyes.

my heart swings
wildly in every direction,
gasping for the air
that makes it move.

2009 ... i need to
be alive. your
mysteries are
bringing me home
& brightening
my eyes.

'resolutions' coming soon.
although .. i don't think i can actually call them that.

more like ... hopes.
& dreams.

wild h o p e s
&
furious i m a g i n i n g s.

because really,
who knows where
l o v e 's
clever intrigue
will take the world
this year.