symphony of life.

i hope i am truly seeing the stars align, and
not just hoping that i am seeing the stars align.

we turned at a dozen places,
for love is a duel,
and looked up at each other
for the last time.
jack kerouac.

compared to some others, i feel like i am dancing
a different dance through this life.
when i begin to stand still and take stock,
i fear that i want what i don't want to .. want.

but then i remember where and who i am,
who i am becoming,
and that life is not just what it is now.
that this journey is only beginning,
and i have found freedom, hope, and life,
joy, beauty, and most of all, Love,
in this still point of this life.

the colors around me swirl and spin,
coloring in the grey that i once only saw.
they paint a symphony of life
that when i close my eyes ..
the world lights up,
catches me in its twirling grasp,
begging for my attention.
i grab my breath .. this
Love brings me to tears.

[photo credit to blaise vincz.]

[i adore this journey
& my company makes
it all worth it.]

kristinelaine.

except for the point,
the still point,
there would be no dance,
and there is only the dance.
t.s. eliot.

sister winter.

but my heart is
returned to sister winter.

and my friends, i've
returned to wish you all the best.
and my friends, i've
returned to wish you a happy christmas.
[sufjanstevens.]

but seriously,
happy christmas, loves.

kristinelaine.

Vivacious.

Big movements happening in this life.

A week long voyage has brought me back to San Diego, only for me to realize that this is finally my home.

Finally my home.

Who would have thought that I would be saying that about any place?  Flying in from Seattle, my heart jumped for joy as the ocean drew me back west.

But I had this creeping sensation that was burrowing a hole in my heart, a realization that I am being called away from the only place I am longing to stay.

An email today confirmed that.  San Francisco's liveliness and charm, as enticing as it is, pales in comparison to the life I have found in my friendlies here.  But it seems that to San Fran I go.

It's about time that some clarity befits itself upon me.  Even some self-induced clarity.

On to more important matters.  Back to the midwest for nearly a month in the morning, and my heart is trying to keep itself attached and whole as I say goodbye to the most beautiful people in the world.

My heart swells and groans, melts and reforms.  And through it all, I have to believe it is all for something more.

Trying for love,

k.

Roman vagabond.

Tomorrow I begin yet another journey.

At times, wanderlust can be all-consuming. But there are voices calling me to stay, and the lump in my throat is weighing me down.

There is a beauty in a family being strewn across a country. Across a world. But there is a strain when the hands you hold are so far apart. Then there is a choice of where to break.

This just came back to me from one of my very favorite books, Extremely Loud and Incredible Close. It's my heart's whisper at the moment ...

we need much bigger pockets, i thought as i lay in bed ... we need enormous pockets, pockets big enough for our families, and our friends, and even the people who aren't on our lists, people we've never met but still want to protect. we need pockets for boroughs and for cities, a pocket that could hold the whole universe.

Can someone just invent one of those, please?

This is all very dramatic. Too dramatic for my taste.

So I'm off to Omaha, Salt Lake City, Seattle, San Diego, San Francisco, and all the streets, highways, and smiles between. The symphony of the universe keeps unveiling itself to me, twisting and dancing in the melodies it paints. It leaves me in wonder and awe, drawing me in.

That's why I love.
It's what I love, how I love.

It is Love.

Road, play me a song.
Adventure, sing me a sonnet.
Life .. dance with me.

k.

A thought for every second in the day.

So here's a lowdown on the next two weeks.

Until Tuesday .. San Diego loving. Soaking it in.
Tuesday .. flying to Omaha.
Wednesday/Thursday .. driving to Seattle. With a bestie from college.
Friday .. old company and laughing at it all. Back to SD.
Saturday/Sunday .. San Francisco joy!
Monday .. San Diego goodbyes. Shit.
Tuesday through middle of January .. Midwest.

I am about to make a giant triangle across the western part of the country. And I am afraid it will be a whirlwind of relationships. At this point in my life, I am excited to see faces again, to laugh and remember.

But ... I am wanting - no, I am aching - for the real stuff. For the deep relationships that I have pushed away for so long. That have been so easy to pretend aren't necessary, aren't important.

Goodbyes are beginning to be what breaks me down. And it is almost too much to bear to think about coming back to San Diego in another month and these faces won't be here.

Again.

I am so blessed. I really am blessed. I could not be more grateful for the life I lead and the beauty that my friends infuse into my life.

But I need them close to me. I need people who aren't going to leave. And I won't leave them. But I am forgetting how to have those relationships, and I don't know when I myself will be staying in one place.

Do you ever have points where life just seems to wear you down? Not because anything is too bad, but perhaps simply because there are too many possibilities? There is too much to be lost when everyone says goodbye?

My real search for community is only beginning. A solid, non-transient one. The intimacy I fear is the stuff that is necessary and beautifully difficult. It's been both too easy and too hard to put that off.

And there is that one that I will miss more than the rest. I am tired of just forgetting possibilities with him, too.

Ugh. Life keeps messing with me. And the other people I love. It just gets exhausting, seeing everyone struggle. I know, I know that it has its beauty. That these points are necessary. There are just those days that remind you that life isn't the picture you have wanted it to be for so long. That there are struggles and it is ok to feel deeply about those struggles, both your own and those of the ones you love dearly.

I am waiting for a day when questions cease and my mind can rest ... but until then, adventure beckons once again. And like always, I cannot say no.
k.

six word #two.

Tea.
Scheming.
Baking.
Laughing.
Grateful.
Alive.

Flying a little.

Community. Here we go again.

I feel like this is a subject that I have so often written about. So often dwelled upon. So often dreamed about. And it is quite often that I have experienced community within an arm's reach of Invisible Children's tight grasp. It's always beautiful.

As I have mentioned in the past, it is a community that I have come home to not once, not twice, but many times. The first summer was an experiment in social skills and stretching boundaries. I found love like I had never experienced before. The second summer, damn it, my family began taking shape. Coming back as a roadie, my brothers and sisters took form, and within my team, I have three friends who I will never let go of. They are my rocks and I will forever be changed because of them.

This time, I am on the outside. I am not a roadie, I am not staff. I am not even a consistent volunteer. Instead, I am one who has been a part of this community in the past, and simply now, a friend. But it is with this group that I have found something that seems so rare these days: true friends. They are family, yes, but they are friends foremost.

We sit and talk. We have long conversations, whether it be over white russians, beers, tofurkey, pie, or the traditional cup of coffee, they are beautiful. I have found laughter and joy, been a shoulder and needed one myself, and have been brought out of myself once again.

Community.

The past few days, I have been dwelling on the idea of being created for community. Let's begin here. I don't have a job. And what I do for recreation is during the day, while the world is at work, I sit at home and search for jobs. Often for hours at a time. Social networks seem enticing but not in the least fulfilling, as they are the connection to the world that revolves without my presence. As I am reunited with my roommates, friends, whoever, I become alive again.

I am created for community. You are created for community.

It's funny how things fall into place. As I have been dwelling on this, I have been also remembering the community I came from in Uganda. And oh, it was wonderful. And man, do I miss those beauties. But I am also looking toward the future. As the intentional community we all dreamed of in San Diego is falling apart quicker than I could have ever imagined, what is being revealed underneath is suddenly taking form in something very different but equally as beautiful. And real.

Now I am faced with the eternal question: Do I stay or do I go?

Nothing in San Diego has worked out for me. In the past six months since being here, I have held one job, and working at Blockbuster for that month was hardly what I want to do with the rest of my life. Let alone for another week. Uganda fell into my life, and I am eternally grateful. For the first time in perhaps a year, I feel as if I have some direction, some idea in the shape of a dream to chase. The only thing left for me in San Diego is my friends. My group of dreamers. My precious idealists who have changed me forever. Who I want to stay with forever.

The world is calling me away. The appeal of another part of the country, another job, something that I actually want to do. And it's killing me. Because all I want .. is my community. Is that enough to keep me in this place? Should it be enough?

Or am I now designated to bring this light somewhere else?

There are no easy answers in this world. I am discovering that more and more and more. And as beautiful and intriguing as that is, the answers seem to break my heart at the same time.

I never thought it would be so difficult to leave a place. But I guess .. I guess when a place, when these people, have made me into who I will be forever .. they stick with you.

I am becoming myself. I have never felt so strongly about this as I do now. I thought I grew so much on the road, and that is the truth. But the six months after that intense period have shaped me even more than I could have imagined.

I need His light to be my guide. I think I forget what that looks like ... He is becoming more and more the epitomy of Love to me. And if all my doors lead to Love .. well, I think that is the Freedom we are called towards.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to fly.
No. No.
It's time to soar.

kristinelaine.

to have faith is to have wings.
[j.m. barrie]

six word post number one.

Itching for adventure.
Thanksgiving tomorrow.
Home?

wendy, darling.

I realized I never post pictures on this blog. Or anything more creative than my life thoughts and musings.

So. I thought I would remedy that.



There is a freedom that the north brings out in me .. especially with my lost boys.

[sometimes I just need to return to Neverland .. and fly a little.]

homeward bound.

Oh, yes.

In another few hours, home will be returning to San Diego.
Members are traipsing back, and I feel as if I will be laughing soon in a way I haven't laughed in ..

... two months time.

Darlings, welcome home.
[and thanks for helping make this my home.]
k.

California Sun.

Hello dear friends!

Greetings from California!

As you may or may not know, I have returned to America. After spending two months in Uganda, I took a grueling 56 hour long trip to return to the States. It is difficult for me to believe that my time in Uganda is over, but I am excited to tell you what has been going on with this creative storytelling project.

Upon my return, I brought back about 150 stories from both primary and secondary students in Uganda. And they are simply beautiful. While I was still in Uganda, I got to travel to several primary schools in Gulu, and there I got to see the faces and greet the voices behind many of these stories. I discovered that these children were not only delighted and eager to tell these stories, but this was perhaps one of the first opportunities for them to dabble in creativity, and it's been quite an unexpected pleasure to witness that.

As my time in Uganda was coming to a close, I discovered that the project would not yet be completed once I left. A friend, Denis Ocitti, is running the project in Uganda. He is a primary school teacher based in Gulu, and is literally one of the best teachers in Uganda. And I can think of no one else I would rather have helping us out on the ground there. He is still getting the project out to secondary schools in the Gulu vicinity, and will be in charge of collecting the remaining stories and shipping them to me in California.

Although this project is coming to a close for now, at least on the ground in Uganda, it is still continuing in different ways. The stories, after being organized and sent to America, will be read and narrowed down to a top twenty to fifty stories. This round of stories will be then passed on to four judges: two based in America and two in Uganda. I am very excited to be working with these judges and hearing their thoughts on these written works, as well as to see their picks for the winners. I just met with one of our judges a couple of days ago, and am working on securing the others.

In that light, I invite you to continue being updated on this project, as there are still final steps that are being taken. I will most likely only be sending out a couple of more emails, as this process will be slightly slower than the past few weeks and also slightly less exciting. I would love to keep you all updated, as it is your faith, support, prayers, and encouragement that have fed this project from the beginning. And for that, I cannot thank you enough.

I hope you are all doing well and keeping warm as we enter this winter season. I will be updating you all soon, but until then, stay well and be blessed. And thank you again for everything.

in love and for peace,
Kristin Lorey

p.s. If you are interested, you can check out a summary of our project as posted on one of Dave Eggers' sites. You can read more about his own project(s) there, and how we became a part of it ... http://onceuponaschool.org/?p=657

Rain, no red mud, and bright lights ...

Currently ... crashing in the London airport, sharing a couch with Kami.
Last night ... crashed with new friends in Uganda, watching the US election.

I am heading home.

But every time I leave a place, I am faced with that ever daunting question:

What is home?

I don't think I know anymore. Or, more specifically, I don't think I have a set location. Maybe home is at the dead center of those pods of communities. The more alive the communities, the more appealing that home is.

I don't know if Uganda is home, or honestly if it even feels like home. All I know is that I have found some of the most beautiful and radiant people there, both Ugandan and not. And I am sad to be leaving a newfound set of friends, leaving them halfway across the world.

But ready to be coming home to the set of friends I have grown so fond of. And I am so in love with.

Hmm.

London is an intriguing place. Kami and I jumped on the Underground, found out it was Guy Fawkes day, and within an hour were sitting front row for the production of "Chicago". I like the feel of this city. A lot. And I think I would like it even more if I wasn't coming from a place such as Uganda, where everything here, although not unusual, seems new and strange. Like beautiful bookstores and stylish clothes ..

Boston for a few hours tomorrow, on to Los Angeles. Sleeping the night in the airport there, most likely, and heading back to San Diego on a train in the morning.

Oh, exploration! I do love your strange call.
k.

almost too much.

Perhaps it is because my time here is slowly, yet paradoxically too rapidly, drawing to a close. I am experience a range of humanity and experience that I have never been a part of before. It is not unusual that in a day I have so much anger I could burst, frustration at the people caught in a dysfunctional system, the feeling I could start sobbing at any moment. But then there is something beautiful that happens. The name "mzungu", which is so often an insult or something to laugh at or take advantage of, is used by a child with a smile that could win the whole world, hugging my knees, unknowing of my life, plan, heart, anything. A boda driver gives me a fair price without me begging. There is any small affirmation for why I am here.

In a place like Uganda, it is too easy to be lost in both fear and frustration. So much is different in a place like this, it can be difficult to see the beauty in the bold unfamiliarity. But at times, it can be too easy to see the beautiful and not see the brokenness. Both of which are dangerous.

But it is here tht the discovery of the complexity of life begins. So much can be thought to be discovered in America. Though, it is in the raw reality of Africa, where one can see the obvious effects of war, poverty, and complacency, it is as if the light finally illuminates the obvious.

Humanity is broken. But somehow redeemable.

For every misgiving, there is a kind word waiting to be spoken. For every "baby girl" and kissing noises received, there is a man waiting to help you on your way. For every cripple seen scraping along the busy roadside, there is a boy in the hospital, healing because of someone's mercy and love.

Coming back to America will not be easy. There will be a constant remember of the life that is led here. And not just the life that I have lived here. The life of relative comfort and ease that I have been a part of. But the life of begging, prostitution, even the life of bead-making, all to earn a meager living. Both the joy and pain that lies in this form of simplicity, and the hope that is so often extinguished because of poverty and routine.

There is no easy answer here. To any question. And that is what makes living here and leaving here difficult. Because I want to end the cycle of poverty. I want those children to leave the streets. I want the corruption to end, the bribery and thoughts of supreme superiority.

But redemption takes time. And it takes hard work. And it takes the humbling of oneself and realizing that equality is much more complicated than it has been explained to you. And so much more than that, it takes tings that we are constantly discovering. But it is something that is worth working for. And though the answers seem hidden, even sometimes nonexistent, there must be hope in the Love that was offered for this world. And continues to be offered daily. Wisdom must be out there.

Questions need to be asked. To never stop. But comfort also needs to be found in friends, in hope ...

... in Love.

the strange becomes familiar.

from a few days ago ...

it's a mix between slightly dramatic and almost comical.

it is here in uganda, as i am riding bodas from place to place, laughing and holding hands with these incredible people, that i am distracted by flashes of home. of all the former lives i have known.

i remember sleeping in a comfortable bed in iowa, laughing with friends at college, a fiery conversation with my father. i remember nights on the road, dangling my feet off piers in california, and the times i learned how to breathe and dance in freedom. the hugs that will never leave me.

but as i reflect on this more and more, it is almost a farewell. no, it is a farewell.

because i know when i get back, those things will never be enough for me anymore.

how do i live, now that i know this life? how do i balance the two extremes, holding them both so dear?

the world is opening up to me. gathering me in, using these beautiful people to distract me from a life i thought i was supposed to live. but as much as that nice apartment appeals to me, the clothes that might impress, that phone that i can convince myself is necessary .. that will never be enough.

i am changing. life is changing. the view from here just keeps getting more interesting and complex, with however simple life may be.

none of this really makes any sense, does it? it surely doesn't to me. life just looks very different here, and i am not sure how to merge this life with the life i have known, however conventional or unconventional it has already been.

just decided on four more weeks in uganda. still going to be struggling with these things for a while. which i think is good. really good.

love from the land of red mud and eyes that tell stories.
kristinelaine.

in my dream, the angel shrugged & said, if we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand.
brian andreas (storypeople.com)

three more weeks.

Ah, as expected, Uganda has tightened its hold on me.

I am now to stay until the beginning of November. Which gives me just about three more weeks here.

Well, the adventure is just beginning, now isn't it?

But in all reality, three weeks is a long time. There are things for me to be doing, following up on these stories, meeting with people. But there is also a solid amount of free time. And quite a few ways for me to invest my time. Hmm ...

In other news, we did get stories back. We got some stories back! They are beautiful and fanciful, exactly what I was hoping for. I will be gathering more on Wednesday, and hopefully many more will be coming in the next couple of weeks. I am anticipating that I will be reading them all on my journey back to America, my mind caught in visions of beautiful goats and talking trees.

The other day, I was blessed to go around Kampala and visit what are called Youth Corps homes. There is an organization here that we have partnered closely with, called Cornerstone, who brings children in off of the streets in Kampala, Lira, and Gulu. Cornerstone gives them a place to stay, mentors to look after them, and encourages them to enter school. I was able to meet with the mentors a couple of weeks ago and they agreed to help us out with our project, and now all of the children in these homes are writing stories, which is where I got some of them the other day. But it was such a beautiful thing to go around and see the homes in which these children live, the mentors that have become parents to these children, to see the faces and hold the hands of the writers of these tales. I could go on forever about the ones I met, and about the amazing mentor, Florence,
who has helped guide me around the city and is going to be essential for the project to be followed through with.

I have so many stories I hope to tell you all. I was talking to a friend through chat the other day, and I began to rediscover the fact that stories make the world go around. As cheesy and optimistic as that sounds, I believe it to be true. People need to hear other people's stories, to remember that the world exists outside of themselves, and to realize the humbling fact that the world continues to go around without you there. That there are millions of people, millions of stories, that you will never know. But maybe you should.

That's why I am here.

In light of that, please look here. It is a story of a dear friend, Will Boyd. Without him, I would not be here. And without him, this world would be much less beautiful than it is now.

www.loveisone.org

Oh, life. Oh, Love. Lead me on.

in Love,
kristin.

p.s. If you have a chance, please go here and either read or listen to this speech. Especially the last part on imagination. http://harvardmagazine.com/go/jkrowling.html

jumbled in a pile ..

I love that there is so much going on. It makes me feel alive.

Things are really coming together for this project. Or it seems to be that way. I cannot even begin to explain how relatively easy things have been. How people have been so willing to take this project on, ready for creativity to be opened to students, and excited they are for these stories to be told.

The past few weeks have been a lot of connecting with people, pitching to them the idea, the vision. That part was easy. Now comes the hard(er) part: actually getting the stories. We have people out there who are passing this assignment on to their friends, students, and children. But we have set a deadline for stories to come in by, and now nightmares have overtaken my hopes, and I fear failure in some part of the plan. That people will forget about their promises, students will not be interested, we will be written off.

But as mentioned before, this is the biggest lesson in trust I have possibly ever had. And it is still continuing. I have to trust that these doors have opened for a reason, and it is my time to follow through. To do the best I can do. To remember my place here and fulfill that role.

Ah, I love the adventure.

I am supposed to leave Uganda in ten days time. I am feeling the pressure of getting everything done in time. But not just done, but done beautifully. It will happen, I believe it. It's the adventure I asked for.

There is a community here, a fellowship, that I am certainly going to miss. So much. I am starting to get settled into this way of life. I have told this to several people, and I honestly think it, that it is time for me to either leave or stay. I need to get back to life in America, or I need to stay and be dedicated to life here. I feel, although I can see myself staying for longer here, much longer, that there are things calling me back to America for now. I hope to be back, sooner rather than later. It is hard to say goodbye, too hard, but I think .. I think it is right.

Much thinking and prayer will be going into this next week. I crave your thoughts and prayers, as well. This world is moving, and I am seeing it every single day.

I am feeling this, as well:

he told me one time he forgot himself & his heard opened up like a door with a loose hatch & he tried for days to put it all back in proper order but finally he gave up & left it all jumbled up there in a pile & loved everything equally.
brian andreas, storypeople.com

Love is a journey, and I keep learning more and more about it.

onward,
kristin.

how to live.

Just returned from Gulu, where I spent the past four or five days. It was incredible being in that place, walking through the IDP camps, shaking hands with the ones who are changing so many people's lives.

But so much is coming to mind, so much that must be addressed. About life, how to live, where to live, implications of lifestyle and poverty .. so much just begs to be brought to the forefront of my mind. It's everywhere I look.

I can't write more on that just yet .. so much has to be thought over. And honestly, so much will probably never really be resolved. Life just pulls at me, tugs at me, to look at it differently.

How do you live - how do I live - knowing this?

[how then shall i live?]
k.

Atye maber.

Apwoyo larema! Atye maber.

Greetings to you all from Uganda. I have now been here about two weeks, which is unbelievable to me. It seems like I have just arrived, but also that I have been here for a lifetime already.

The first weekend I was here in Africa, my friends and I took the overnight bus to Kigali, Rwanda, to visit some dear friends who run an organization called Keza. It was incredible to not only spend some time with the, but so good to see what they and their organization is doing with some amazing women. I definitely encourage you to check out their website (www.keza.org). Keep checking back if it is not up yet.

Since returning from Rwanda, we have all spent a lot of time at Acholi Quarters, which is where so many people from northern Uganda have fled to. It is a section right outside of the city, and is often described as an underserved IDP camp. This is where James is basing his business, Acholi Beads (www.acholibeads.com) out of. It has been an incredible blessing to meet the men and women he is working with, getting to know them and their beautiful children, and seeing the huge difference Acholi Beads is making in each of their lives. This was my first introdcution to the Acholi people while here in Uganda, and they have welcomed me and everyone else into their family as one of their own. If I had a choice, I would be spending all day, every day with these gorgeous people.

But James and I are beginning work on the children's book project. It was a little slow on the uptake, as honestly, everything takes just a little bit longer in Africa. Which is just the truth and something that is to be embraced. But within a matter of a couple of days of being here, more connections were made than I even dared hope for. Our network for this project keeps expanding, and I should just get used to being amazed as to God's provision and guiding through this. More and more people are being brought along and being run into that are interested in what we are doing as well as willing to help us out in any way possible. I could not be more grateful, and am really excited that this is beginning. We are having our first batch of stories being assigned next week, which is so exciting.

I have really enjoyed being in Kampala, more than I ever would have thought, and have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by a group of people I just feel at home with. There are several different NGOs that are based out of Kampala, and somehow everyone involved with these are friends with each other. It has been both eye-opening and personally challenging to see the work that these people have dedicated their lives to, and makes me think alot about the implications of such fiery love as they are showing.

But as I have been enjoying Kampala, I am excited as I am to be heading up to Gulu in another day or so. James and I are going to be going up to introduce the idea of the children's book to several people up there. We will only be staying for a few days, but I am ready to get out of the city and see the place I have been dreaming of for so long now.

Besides James and I, we have been joined by his sister, Robin, and another amazing woman named Lanecia. Lanecia left last week to go back to the states, and Robin is leaving in just a couple of hours. It has been incredible to have them both here, and I am so sad to see Robin go. But the women and men at Acholi Quarters threw a farewell party for Robin today, which was an experience like none other. I cannot wait to have faster internet so I can load some pictures for everyone to see. Let's just say that there was much dancing, laughing, and rejoicing in the relationships that are formed in such a family.

On that note, I am realizing that this update is extremely long, so I think I will end it here. If you are one to pray, there are some things that I would ask of your attention. First of all, I have a dear friend in San Diego who is very, very sick. I just got word that he was taken to the ER because of complications with lupus and now his heart. If you want more details, please let me know and I can tell you more, but please just keep Will in your hearts and prayers. Also, if you could pray for continued connections being made and us following Love's guidance through this all. As well as health. James, Robin, and I have all been sick the past week, which is not unexpected, but still a hindrance to what we are trying to do.

Thank you, dear friends, and I hope this update is not too boring and finds you all well. I love and miss each one of you, and cannot wait to hear more about what is going on in your own lives.

peace and love,
kristin lorey.

breathing the smog.

Dearest Everyone,

So here I am, sitting in an internet cafe in the city of Kampala,
Uganda. Needless to say, I made it safely here, arriving Wednesday
morning, just in time to see the sun rise over Lake Victoria as we
were flying in. I stepped out into the Ugandan beauty, greeted by the
pale morning hues and the bright greens and reds of the earth here.

The journey here was nothing short of great, besides experiencing jet
lag and not really being able to sleep on the planes. But I was
blessed to have surprising and beautiful discussions with a man from
San Diego who was going to London (works right by the old IC office in
El Cajon), a man from South Africa who told me of his travels (and
kept telling me that I would soon be landing in and journeying through
the 'jungles of Uganda', which I have yet to find ...), a
light-hearted Polish woman who happens to be an avid fan of Sarah
Palin, and a man who has lived in Uganda for the past four years,
working with an incredible NGO called Cares. Besides those
conversations, I had the onboard movies and TV shows to entertain me,
including but not limited to Flight of the Conchords and The Office.

So here I am in Uganda. I have been in Kampala, which is the capital
city, for yesterday and today. This city is so interesting. I am
staying with my friend, Waverly, as well as my other friends who I am
working and traveling with. We have had a great couple of days,
including being entertained last night by a break-dancing session with
over 30 Ugandan youth, following by falling asleep to the pouring
Ugandan rain. It was incredible. So I am here for a few more hours,
going to Acholi quarters (which is where Acholi Beads are made ..
www.acholibeads.com ), and then my friends and I are going to be making
our way to Rwanda for the weekend. I am very excited to go there.

Just wanted to send a short update your way to let you know I am
alive. I love and miss you guys already, but I can feel the weight of
your prayers as they are sent my way. I thank you so much for those.

Hope you are all doing well, and I will write again when I can. In
the meantime, I don't mind hearing updates on your lives. :)

in Love,

kristin lorey.

onward.

It is 3:21 and I am still in San Diego.

My flights have been switched, and I will be waiting in the San Diego airport for close to 6 hours by the time I finally take off. San Diego to LA, LA to London, London to Uganda.

But it's ok. It gives me more time to soak up this fact: I am going to Uganda.

I remember the last time I was waiting at an airport like this. I was waiting, amongst the business men and women, sandy, dirty, and smelly from a trip through Neverland with my best of friends. Now, I am waiting amongst these same business men and women, but clean, hopefully not smelly, and headed to a different home.

Joel P West flows through my earphones, and I am reminded of all the times I have listened to his songs before. The times I have been in San Diego with Invisible Children, back at Northwestern, and especially the time on tour. This particular song, my dearest Suzi sang with him. And I remember her glowing as she had us listen to it the first time. Joel really does provide the soundtrack to life.

This adventure is so different. It is so surreal. I am going to Uganda. After three years of working with Invisible Children, I am going to set foot in this beautiful land in less than two days. I am going to be working toward a different sort of goal that I was with Invisible Children, but one that is just as important and equally as beautiful.

I go to Uganda alone. I travel with my backpack, book, and pictures of a life I have lived. I reflect on how I got here, and how I will be different when I set foot back in southern California. I don't know who I will be in six weeks' time. I am waiting, hoping, and praying for me to emerge and grow through this time.

So in less than two hours, I will finally - finally - be going. The past three weeks or so have been a whirlwind, but somehow I have felt peace through it all. I can't believe I am actually here .. the fear that has ruled my life for 22 years is finally subsiding, and I am breaking through to be here now. I am learning to trust .. because I have to trust that His timing is perfect, that He has a plan, and that I am going to be used.

So I thank you, dearest ones, for coming here. For reading this. For supporting me in whatever way you have. Because I don't say it enough, I am going to say it now: I love each one of you, so much. Whether we have traveled together in the past, laughed together at anything, have exchanged stories and hugs, or simply have found each other online, I cannot thank you enough for the impact you have had on my life. I will never, ever be the same because of you.

I keep listening to Joel. I let my cell phone die. I am relaxing my hold to this western world. And in a matter of hours, I will be on the other side of this world, doing who knows what. And all I am asking is to be used ..

I love you. So much. And I cannot wait to be reunited soon. My heart is with all you roadies out there .. blow the road a kiss for me and dance in the freedom it offers. And another part of my heart rests with my family in Iowa, my friends in California, Seattle, and the midwest.

onward in peace and hope, and of course, Love.
kristin.

p.s. if you have skype, please add me (kristin.lorey). Then we can chat. :)
p.p.s. if you ever get bored, I love updates. email me (kristin.lorey@gmail.com, or kristininthesky@gmail.com. Take your pick.)

what more than is there but love? love is everything. teach me to be love. make it all that i am.
[that's you, alex. thanks.]

55 hours.

55 hours from now, I will be boarding a plane. First to Chicago, then to London, and finally I will be purchasing a visa to get into Uganda.

Life is happening.

It is an odd stage to be at. People are finally finding out that I am going and they are curious as to the details. Let's be honest here .. so am I.

And then enters in the aspect of trust. I am learning to trust. Because my path is being uncovered only as I travel along it. It is grandiose and frankly quite beautiful, but the mystery of it is making me realize .. I have to trust.

I have been telling people for months that I feel as if I am on the edge of the next great stage of my life. My life has been so full, so so full. And I have been so blessed. But I have felt that the past couple of months have been a time of transition. Me being here in San Diego for some unseen reason. And now I am going to Uganda to work on a project I fully believe in, although I am only learning the details as I go.

Trust.

I have been so lacking in it. The time has come to own up to this shortcoming in my life. To face it head on and to trust that Love has a plan for me. That He is asking me to be patient, to rely on His wisdom, and to work hard and let Him work, as well. To realize that I wouldn't be going if He didn't have a reason for it.

37 hours. And I will fly across the Atlantic.

Thank you from the very core of me, to those who have supported me thus far. I could not have done it without your emotional, financial, and mostly your prayer support.

Life is happening.
here i come.
kristin.

'your life is an occasion .. rise to it.'

mortality.

Life is picking up speed. Yet again.

I laid tonight in the grass. The neighbor's cat came to greet me, and we spent time loving on one another. The trees gave me company as I got lost in my thoughts.

A week from now I will be in Uganda. A land I have dreamed of for years.
Two days from now, fifty of my new friends will be on the road. A life I love and whose challenges I miss. They will be engulfed in the beauty it offers.
Two days ago, my sister suffered. And I wasn't there to comfort her.

I am trying to grasp the responsibility and privileges of life. What it means to know something and to act on it. That choice determines not only what you believe, but who you are and who you are becoming.

I am realizing how easy it is for me to be good in the company of my friends. They are good. So so good. When they are engulfed in beauty, it catches on. And it's wonderful. But it makes me think of our origins .. would I be this me if I were living somewhere else?

And I am starting to feel again. I am realizing that a lot of times I block out emotion. I get lost in other people's stories. I try to forget myself so I don't have to deal. But I am getting attached to people again .. and they are leaving again. All the more reason for me to continue my cycle of arm's distance relationships. I am battling with myself .. trying to convince my heart to be vulnerable.

It's not that I lose faith in people. It's not that I desire so much to be loved. All do, but that isn't quite it.

It's that fear. That fear that I have let rule my life for all 22 years of it. People scare me, because once I let them in, there's no getting out of it. And if I open up and am ignored .. I shrink a little back into myself. It's happened all too often, in tiny, little ways. No one's fault, but I need to grow out of it.

I need to grow out of me.

I am hoping that the next few weeks will help me break into my stride of independency. International travel, taking on a huge, unknowing project, and standing up to greet who I am becoming. I think it will be good.

I am facing mortality. Realizing life is meant to be lived. And I am constantly rediscovering that I have no idea what that truly means.

Here is a favorite quote from Steinbeck that I find particularly relevant. It has been on my mind ever since I read it a couple of weeks ago.

"It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.

We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built on the never-ending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing else in the world is."

Remember mortality. Let it bring life.

As a friend has put it, "What more than is there but love? Love is everything. Teach me to be love. Make it all that I am."

Jesus, world, friends ...
... teach me to be love. Make it all that I am.

I could go on writing forever .. my mind is reeling and I am afraid it will all come spilling over. Just in time to be filled with .. Africa.

[may i never be the same again.]
k.

it's you.

Dearest friend,

If you are coming to this page, it is time for me to say ...



THANK YOU.

So much. For thinking of me, for sacrificing for me, and for helping me get to Uganda.

As you may know, I am heading over to Uganda within a matter of days to help develop a sound base for our children's book operation. It is our goal and dream that these books will provide a source of real beauty through the telling of stories throughout this world, as well as changing lives in numerous ways. Starting in Uganda.

So thank you. I literally could not be doing this without your help.

If you want to recieve updates as we embark on this journey, please feel free to follow along on this blog at your own convenience. It's http://www.bornintocolour.blogspot.com/. Or you can email me at kristininthesky@gmail.com and I will gladly put you on an email update list. There won't be too many flooding your inboxes, but hopefully just enough.

And finally, if I may ask one more thing of you, it would be to pray. Pray for us as we travel, pray for our community as we take on so many projects, pray for us as we begin this in Uganda. There is much to be done while we are there, and we are all following Love as He takes us. Please pray that our eyes are only on Him through this. If you do not pray, a thought spared would mean the world to me. Or maybe just telling someone about what we are doing. Or even better, start dreaming big of how you are going to change this world. You can do that even if you do pray.

Thank you again. Even though I do not know what to expect, I am excited and ready to do this. And I am so incredibly grateful for you helping to give us all the opportunity to begin this.

Love you and please, be blessed.

for Love,
kristin lorey.
kristininthesky@gmail.com

magic.

birthday was ...

... magical.

good friends, laughter, looking to the future, and the remote presence of my family was all beautiful.

i think 22 is going to be a stunning year. one to remember, for certain.

thanks, loves.
k.

with a touch of urgency ...

Dearest Family and Friends,

I hope that this finds you all well. I wish that I was up to date on all of your lives, and I hope to hear more about what is going on in your lives. Here is a little update on mine, with an urgent request. I am sorry about the length, but I would be honored if you would take a few minutes to read this.

As many of you know, I have recently moved out to California, where I have continued volunteering and working with the non-profit organization I have worked with over the past three years, Invisible Children, Inc. Invisible Children is working with the northern part of Uganda, Africa, where a civil war has been raging for the past 22 years, making it the longest running war in Africa. This war, although extremely complicated, has involved a rebel army called the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) and the government of Uganda. The LRA has been abducting children to be used as child soldiers, forcing them to fight in a war that they care nothing about.

I have been working with Invisible Children for the past three years in varying degrees, but the past few months I have been on the road with them, traveling with a team of close friends, living out of a van and working with the youth of America. We gave speaking presentations to high school youth and college aged students, as well as many churches and youth groups, helping them to understand social activism and the ways that they can get involved. I strongly believe in this organization as an outlet as the hands and feet of Christ, bringing social justice, peace, and the love of Christ to not only the youth of this nation, but also to the people of northern Uganda.

I have since ended this tour and am now searching for what to do next. While I have been helping Invisible Children plan upcoming national tours, I have also been working with a close group of friends who are seeking to do the work of Jesus through what we like to call 'creative action'. We are experimenting with ways to love people, and how to do it creatively. All of us have worked with Invisible Children at some point, but are now pursuing other dreams that are bound to change the world. We have spent the past couple of months desperately seeking God and how to share His love, and are in the process of dreaming up many different projects that are taking place both in San Diego and around the world. I have never seen God work in a way that is so obvious and beautiful as I have seen Him work in this close community of friends.

Through my work with Invisible Children and my growing understanding of the situations taking place throughout the world, I have been wanting to go to Uganda for quite some time. My heart is very attached to the people of this beautiful country, and it has been my great privilege to be able to work with and for them for the past few years. Although I have had several opportunities to go and participate in trips to Uganda, I have never felt that the time was right. But at this time, I now have the chance to go to Uganda through the community that we have been developing. One of the projects that our community is working on is creating a line of children's books that are set to tell the stories of children around the world, starting with the children of northern Uganda. Our theory behind these books is that we are realizing that as people of past generations have escaped to the beauty of imaginary worlds such as Middle Earth and Narnia through storytelling, we are hoping to help bring to light the beauty that exists in our own world through the telling of true stories. While this is still in the very early stages of creation, it is just one of our projects that I know is going to be both enlightening and life changing to so many people.

While in Uganda, I would be working to set up this project, talking to the people of Uganda about their stories, and encouraging children to start telling their own. We will be coordinating a contest of sorts for children to start writing creatively, and when a winning story is picked, start the process of publishing it. The story will be available to the people of Uganda in Lwo, their own language, and will be translated into English to be available in the United States. The original idea was that when one book is purchased in the United States, a parallel book will be given to a child or a library in Uganda. This idea is under construction, as we are in the process of talking to different publishers and ideas are still formulating. As this is only starting in Uganda, there will be many other stories from around the world that will be shared, including from countries such as Burma, Nepal, and more. It will be an incredible way for people to become educated and familiar with other cultures around the world, creating a closer feeling of community throughout the people of the world, as well as giving people voices in areas that have never really been exposed before. I am very excited to see where this takes us and how this will affect change.

While I am excited and ready to do this, I need help. As I have been on the road as a volunteer, worked as an unpaid intern, and been a college student over the past few years, I am very much lacking on financial funding. I am turning to you, dear friends and family, for any support I can get. Especially including financial support. Please understand that I know what it is like to be poor and being constantly asked for support and money by so many people, so I do understand if you are unable to support me at this time.

But I also do believe that a lot of smalls add up to one big amount. If each of my friends could donate several dollars, that would help significantly.

The thing is, I need help very, very quickly. Abnormally quickly. The plan is to leave on September 2, which is coming up incredibly soon, and I would be staying for approximately six weeks, doing work in Uganda. I am in need of about $3000, including travel prices and living expenses while in Uganda.

At this moment, I am not asking for your money. I am just interested to know if you feel you can support me. Please email me at kristininthesky@gmail.com and let me know what you are thinking. If you think you can support me financially, please include an amount that you think you can give. If you can't, I would love to know you are praying for and/or thinking of me. This is a journey that I am fully trusting God is guiding me on, and it means so much that you would be lifting me up in prayer.

If I get enough pledged support within a few days, I will commit to going and then you can actually give me the money. But at the moment, I do not feel comfortable taking your money without a promise of actually going. Also, if you want to hear more about what our community is doing, more about the project that I am embarking on, more about Invisible Children, or just want to chat, I would love to hear from you, as well.

Thank you so much for making it through this email, and I truly hope you are well. One of my biggest regrets is that I am out of the loop in so many of your lives, and I wish I could be involved more. Please let me know how you are doing, and please know I love each of you very much and I am grateful for any time we have been able to spend together. You have each impacted my life in so many ways, and I am so grateful.

Thank you again, and I hope to hear from you soon.

in Love,
kristin lorey.
kristininthesky@gmail.com

4am musings.

life is funny.

it seems that there is a sort of clarity that comes when you least expect it. like when driving home at four in the morning, an empty interstate drawing one toward the coast.

maybe it isn't necessarily clarity, but perhaps a shift in perspective.

a palm tree sticks out with a shady sillhouette. and it hits me for maybe the second time in one week ... i am in san diego.

what?

and then i begin to wonder how i got here. my mind drifts and rediscovers the delight in the relationships i have formed here. remembers the times we all danced in a newfound freedom. and then rests upon the relationships that are presently budding.

beauty is exposed in the newest of ways. and i love discovering those ways. sometimes i think i need to remember to turn off the music and listen to the silence. because when i really think about it, it is silence that has spoken more truth to me than anything else.

there is a Sound there that is not present anywhere else. at least to some degree.

on another note, i sense things are changing. a contentment is creeping in without any warning, except that a presence has returned to san diego that i have missed for over three months now. his laughter warmed my soul tonight more than anything else could have. but beyond that, i am seeing that a place is being created for me in this community, at least for these several upcoming months. i am forseeing myself nestling down and drawing in close the relationships that will be sticking around through the end of this year, and i am beginning to agree with the idea more and more.

the journey is leveling out for a while, only to become more adventurous in the near future. i do hope.

i am starting to dream big ... and not letting anything stop me.

i am beginning to open my eyes yet again, and straining to see the beauty in even the smallest of things. it is a challenge i am welcoming. far too long have i settled for the past when the present is quickly passing me by.

i am welcoming you home, although this welcome will soon turn into another goodbye. i do not know who we are in the eyes of the universe, but i am content simply with you being here.

and now i must sleep.
.k.

you.

dear you,

it finally feels like home when you're around.
please, do you have to leave?

and really, why the hell do you mean so much to me?

oh, that's right ..
.. you mean the world to me.

k.

p.s. thanks for reminding me how to laugh, truly laugh, again. it has been too too long.

an answer, please?

i wish there was some way to calm this searching heart.
to soften the ache that starts so quickly and spreads so slowly. but efficiently.

i wish i could be the one to take a deep breathe and convince myself that it will all work out.
that tomorrow will come, and it will be beautiful.

i wish i could live all moments remembering purpose.
to make decisions that are based in that premise.

i wish that i did not have to join the system in order to survive.
to work needless jobs to pay a needless rent to live this hopeful life.

i could spend tomorrow here or there.
which is right?

i could spend this week here or there.
is there an answer?

i could spend this life with my head down, just making my way along.
or i could spend it searching, looking for the beauty and ways to serve.

i could spend this fall in california or in africa.
it could be really simple.

first i need to figure out whether i should spend the next few days living in joy with loved ones, or return to san diego to pursue a job and money.

damn damn damn.

i sometimes wish life had an answer. i love adventure, but some sense would be nice sometimes.

i'm sleeping in sacramento tonight. that's all i know.
k.

dreamer.

i feel most alive ...
... in the presence of fellow dreamers.
i dream the most ...
... in the presence of those who dig deep.
i need to be ...
... constantly in that place.

i need to be constantly dreaming.
remembering others.
not settling.

i forget that all too easily. and nights like tonight, people like sean and lisa, and the others who are participating ... they help me remember.

and begin anew.

to living life.
k.

way of love.

life has been so interesting lately.
and by interesting, i mean ... boring.

i stood on my porch tonight, smoking a cheap cigarette, and wondering if this is what i am supposed to be doing. if here is where i am supposed to be. if this is the life i am supposed to be given.

as i stared up at the sky, the clouds illuminated by the millions of lights below it, i realized something that i have barely given thought to as of late. that i have one life, that i have been gifted this life, and i want to live it right.

i went to church a couple of weeks ago, and the pastor said something to the effect of 'you have one life, but if you live it right, one is enough.' i just took it as a cliche statement then, but the gravity of it started to weight on me tonight. am i living it right? will this be enough?

another dear friend of mine has stated that in her life, she wants to get to the end and not have anything left to give. to do everything she can to love and to help others live to their fullest.

i feel like the past few weeks i have been doing more than settling. i have been comfortable settling. and i hate that. i have been ok with sitting on my computer, searching for jobs, and staring alternatively at the computer and tv screen. all while my former life slips away. i start to forget what it is like to live. to have adventure. to pour into someone's life. to see someone's face light up when they finally just get it. they start to understand what life is about.

i miss that life.

but lately i have begun to realize that i have been pining too too much for the past. i miss it immensly. i miss certain people to the core of me. but i have to start living here. i have to start making a new life. i can miss the old, i can value it, but i need something that i can start living for now. because living for the past is living in it, and that is just wasting time, life, and vision.

i have always said that i do not regret anything. i certainly have wished for other things in my life, and wished that i would have made other decisions. but i am beginning to regret this. and i hate that. i am longing to be in another place. i love san diego, i love the ocean, and i love the people here. but after a month of it, i am dissatisfied. but maybe it's ok ... maybe this is the uncomfortableness i was searching for, and it is disguised.

but i begin to wonder. why was i so ready to stay in the northern part of california? why do people keep saying that they could see me living in san francisco? why is it that my ideals and values fit more with that culture and lifestyle than they do down here? why didn't i live only an hour away from someone who i could see myself with ... why am i seven hours away, and i could have missed out on something incredible? maybe nothing would have happened, but at least i would have given it a chance.

i think .. starting right now, i am going to look for jobs elsewhere. i have always warned people that i might not stay down here for long. maybe this is the start of it. maybe when i go up north with katie in a couple of weeks, i stay there for a while and see what happens. maybe i will find myself right back down here.

i know i have said that i wanted to be in san diego for the development of this community. that is the primary reason i am here, to be blatant. and when i think about that, when i talk about it, when i am in the presence of fellow dreamers, i feel at home. finally. but ... i ache. it's hard to describe. do i stay around for that? or search for something else, somewhere else? do i take this and bring it to another part of the country? not that i can forsee myself as being the forerunner of this movement, but i think with the help of others who see the same way, something could happen.

but then there is this other longing in my life. africa. uganda. nepal.
but then there is this constant lacking of ... money. to make it all happen.

and then there is this hope ... for company through it all.

God, where are you? where am i? what is this all?

we all have some purpose here. i have no idea what i am doing here, how i am being used. but that is a prayer, isn't it? to be used? we talked about that one night. to ask God to use you is the scaries prayer to pray. i am not one to pray much, to be honest, but i prayed that. and i still do. and i am still ... waiting to see how that works out. i wonder if we ever really see it? in full?

so much is in my heart right now. and so much has been masked and dulled in the past few weeks by the frustration of failure, the blinding lights of media, and the constant sounds that i am surrounded by. i need a retreat of some sort. i need a good conversation with someone who truly knows me. i need an embrace and a shoulder.

i need to be real again.

i think i am always thinking about myself. but introspection does that. and searching for a life, a home, and a quest. i am ready to be settled, to have some questions answered, so i can move beyond this. i just keep feeling like i am on the verge of something. of something big, and i can't quite taste it yet. can't quite ... grasp it. i keep feeling for it, but maybe i need to turn around. to be honest with some people. to dance in freedom yet again. to breathe deep in the mysteries of this world.

i need to be alive.

this week should be interesting. in a good way. tomorrow consists of a new church (based in spirituality and not religion, i am excited), chilling with the amaaazing homeless, and i think tomorrow night i will spend by the ocean. and then a week full of goodbyes to a dear friend, as well as fellowship with an amazing group of people.

on another note, i have decided i am not going to spend any money this week. literally. i just purchased a kit for my hair (!!!), and i will spend money for gas, but that's about it. in a sense, i see it as a fasting. depriving myself of something i am usually way too dependent on. and also saving money. i wish i could go a while without the internet, but sadly that is where my job searches are based out of. damn it all.

i am enjoying silence. it's been a while.

and now i can see that this has turned into a steam of consciousness type entry, and i am going to go. stay tuned to see what is happening in my life. if anything. ha. kidding. but not.

love.
[follow the way of love.]
kristinelaine.

as of late.

there have been too too many emotions for me lately.

i am an emotional person. i have no problem with that. but lately, i cannot figure out how i am feeling.

i am lonely, yet i am surrounded by great roommates and a sister whom i love deeply.
i am without a plan, although i have prided myself on being adaptable and noncommittal.
i miss someone way too much, and yet i have said i don't mind being single and that i do not need someone else to get by.

i guess i am discovering that life is a paradox. well, i guess i am rediscovering it. all i know is that i need to stop being lazy and start the hard work again. start being intentional, start becoming the person who i was begining to see emerge before. it pains me that i am so ...

[complacent. and easily satisfied.]

it's time to get moving again. i started this post a few hours ago and i cannot honestly remember what i was posting about. probably something about love, loneliness, and a thirst for growth.

more to come later, i would guess.

loves.
k.

i need the mountains again ... i crave adventure.

keeping poor.

i keep saying how living poor is the best way.

well.
it's about time i put that into practice.

time to learn how to live simple.
[without living in a van.]

to life.
k.

i just try to keep myself poor, you know?
guy i met in big sur.

teach me.

community.
is beautiful.

even in the early stages,
it is beginning to take form.

and the vision that is being crafted
is ... making me alive.
i think it is making us all alive.

so soon.
well ... now.
it is beginning.

live.
k.

i'm searching ...

... for what it means.

'the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.'
gal. 5:6

love.
God.
love.
people.

ready for community.
too much alone time.

time to get plugged in.

USE ME.
please.

k.

hello, sunshine.

day two in san diego.

i am currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop in the area, eating a delicious bowl of granola and fruit, sipping on a cup of coffee, and marveling at the fact that a man just walked in who looks like the spitting image of dave from 'flight of the conchords'. what a place.

so needless to say, chelsea and i made it out to san diego. we roadtripped out here, which turned out to look compeltely different than we expected (i told you so). i saw people who are incredibly dear to me, and saw them for longer than i had even dared to hope for. it refreshed me, but also makes me wish for their presence even now. all in all, the road trip was good, but i can honestly say i am glad to be out of a moving vehicle. for the first time in months.

coming out here was not an easy decision for me, and there were many, many times i doubted if this is where i am supposed to be. even to the point where while i was in northern california, i almost dropped it all and just stayed. it would have been simple. but i reached a point where i may have actually heard God whisper to me, you'll see, answering my question of as to why i am going to be in san diego.

while i was in iowa, all i could tell people about my plan is that i know - or i think i know - i am supposed to go back to san diego. to talk to these people about a community. and to search out what comes next.

i don't know why.

but i think ... i think something is moving. i have felt it for the past few months. that something is moving, waking up in this world. maybe it is just within my group of friends. the beautiful community that is being birthed by those who i have experienced invisible children with. the people back home that i can talk to about the breathtaking, haunting realization that there is something more than what we are living for right now.

to be honest, when i was back in iowa, i had to be very, very real with God. tell Him i had no idea what He was thinking, that i am going back to a place i don't necessarily want to go, and that i was not going to have the people around me that i wanted. specific people. and i came to the incredibly obvious realization that i was being asked to take the hard road. finally. but the 'ard road', i believe, is just a way of saying that i don't know what the future holds. it is a representation of what learning to trust looks like.

so while i had eight full days on the road to think, process, regret, hope, and be excited at the same time, i had less than 24 hours in san diego before i was challenged. before i had the conversation that i have been praying and hoping for ... for weeks. i was able to express that i am feeling the same way, hoping for the same things, asking the same questions. and i once again was part of the dreaming process. surrounded by people who are not afraid to look at the expected, laugh at it, and go beyond.

i know i have to be a part of it.

whatever the future holds, i am getting excited for the adventure. i am accepting that i may be in san diego for a while. i may be here for just a few weeks. but i am getting ready to experience what is coming next. not just experience it ... but to live it.

i am learning to love the people that are in my life. that it is ok to ache for someone that is not present, to wish for their part in the big thing that is taking place here. but to be grateful for who i have.

i must move. i cannot sit still.
it's going to be good.
and i can feel it.

also, i need to get a job.

so here's to day two in san diego. it's going to be an adventure, and i have no idea what it is going to look like.

but that's ok.

ohboy.
kristin.

it's time ... for california stars yet again.

in less than twelve hours, i set out on a new adventure.

here's what i am expecting along the way.

iowa to wyoming. dear friend, hiking, swiming, soaking in nature.

wyoming to salt lake city. exploring, salt lake swimming, temple going.

salt lake city to the great salt flats. requires a picture if nothing else.

great salt flats through nevada. falling asleep at the wheel.

nevada to sacramento. chelsea sees her friend. i am anxious for tomorrow.

sacramento to modesto. meeting up with a person who means the world to me. embracing him and never letting go.

modesto to san francisco. the strongest three-way embrace with him and my other incredible teammate. it's time to breathe again. exploring the city.

san francisco down the coast. dude. big sur. santa cruz. sunsets over the most beautiful coast i have ever seen.

and finally, san diego. learning how to settle. finally learning that it is ok to make a home. missing people up north. loving the people down south.

the beautiful thing about road trips is that you never know what will come. sure i am going to see these places, but every place will be a mystery that is just waking up when we are coming through.

i am ready to be on the road again. i have been itching for adventure for far too long. to sleep beneath the stars. to smoke and talk. and to laugh, oh to laugh again, so so much.

i am ready to breath again.

to start this part of life.

to remember who i was, to keep those remnants, and to move on from there.

to become myself.

to the road.

(!!!!!)

see you in california.

k.

i'd like to dream all my all my troubles away

on a bed of california stars

jump up from my starbed and make another day

underneath my california stars.

[i'm ready for more of this ... ]

i need more grace than i thought.

so much.
so much is happening.

i lay awake in bed for far too long last night, things just streaming through my mind. this is unique; i am usually able to block things out, to fall asleep nearly immediately. i was over watching tv, too distracted to read, and really did not want to listen to music.

i am restless.

restless in that i want to move. i fear i am becoming too comfortable here. spending too much money on the frivolous. watching too much television. not forming the solid relationships i am craving. i am finally seeing friends, but i see them for a lunch and then i know i will be waiting another three years before i see them again. for the most part.

but i am also restless in my thoughts and how i feel. i am restless because i know i want to say something and i want to know. but i am not sure i can face reality. that's dramatic, huh? restless in that i am craving that community that i keep speaking of, but it hit me last night as i stared at my fake stars that i am not sure i know who that community is going to be in san diego. who will be the first person i call to hang out with when i get back?

but honestly, through this whole thing, i feel as if i have been whining. pointing out the horrible facts of the situation, ones that really are not that bad at all. it is as if i am not able to have things exactly my way, and i am just going to cry about it.

i realized, as i broke in the shower the other day, that i am living life. yes, i know how i would love for things to work out for me. i don't want what a lot of people want: i don't want to settle down. i don't want to fall in love so i can have the white picket fence, i don't want to fall in love so we can have kids and raise our family to be the beautiful american dream. i want adventure. i would love him by my side, but the fact is that nothing ever works the way we want them to.
ok that was a detour. what i was trying to say is that although i know how i would like things to work out, that is not the way that they are going to work out. that would be way too simple. and incredibly predictable.

ugh, why did i not realize that before? this is life, after all.

but i realized that this is the hard road. the road that life, that my Beloved, is taking me down. it should not be surprising that i am going to be uncomfortable. that i am not going to be living with the people i would like to live with. that i am not going to be surrounded by the community of my team and the people that are fueling me constantly. no. instead, i am going to have to rely on God.

great.

this came in a moment of sweet revelation. and honestly, surprisingly, it brought a great amount of relief. it was a reminder, as i sat beneath the pounding water, my tears mixed in with the shower water, of how to live life. that i really do want to be where He wants me to be. and that it is so damn hard at times. but it was there that i was actually honest with God in a really, really long time.

i am not sure if much of this makes sense. i think it is me thinking through a lot of things, needing to write them down so i don't forget in another month's time why i believe it to be so important that i am in san diego. as i mentioned before, i hear the faint call of only a short time in this area, and perhaps that is a figment of my imagination, but i am truly waiting to hear the whisper of the Beloved as i both wait and search for where i am led next.

i am ready to move out of myself yet again.
california stars, i am ready to lay beneath you yet again.
pacific, i am going to breathe you in and not let you out.
community, i am seeking you out. because i need the life you bring.

dear giver of Grace, i am trying to rely on You once more.

what is this life?
what is this Love?

i am ready for more.
again.

k.

creating adventure.

ok, God, i am getting impatient. i guess i am ready to see something fall into place. not that i am expecting it ... but yet i am. so far in my life, You have gently guided me along. closing some doors, encouraging me to take others.

i see nothing right now.

i am feel as if i should go to san diego. but in my mind, i hear the faint whispering of only for a while. how long is that? and is that me or You? i know that i am anxious to move around. anxious to experience something new. and afraid of what i could become if i do not find myself the community that i desire.

but what will You bring next? i see things in my loves. a microbrewery ... or australia (or england). teaching. a bookstore. school. a bike trip.

and for me, God? i am not trying to be selfish here. i really am not. all i am asking for is a little guidance. ok, so here i go to san diego, soon. is there a job there? anything with invisible children? nepal? come on, throw me a bone. i will take a coffee shop. an independent book store. hell, i will be a secretary. anything but corporate america, please. no more bath and body works.

are you trying to teach me patience, God? i know how to be patient, i really do. i think you have tried to teach me that before. but the thing is - and this may be a little harsh, God - but ... i don't want to be patient. i want to know. i want to know where You want me to go. i want to know what You want me to do. i want to know what is going to tug my heart next. when can i go to africa? when can i start serving people again? i know it's unreasonable, but i am getting anxious.

please, God. just a little attention here. throw a glance my way? speak into the breeze that passes by my ear. a little something in the morning mist would do just fine. even a dream. well, that might be a little frightening. ok, whatever You think best. i am trying to listen ... just when i get bored, i turn something on. i haven't been able to hear You for a while now. my path has been pretty ... well, obvious, until now.

i know You love me. i know there is something out there. and i really do know i cannot sit back and just wait for You to drop something in my lap. i must work, must look, must seek. but God, it's pretty hard. i just would love a little direction.

and if i could ask for one more thing, God, it would be for clarity. well, buried inside that request hides several others. for clarity in feelings, in hope, in intentions, actions. what i should and shouldn't hope for. and honestly, if you could have him speak his mind and me speak mine - with no complications on our friendship - that would be absolutely amazing. bordering on perfection.

it's been a while now since i have felt this frustrated. i know i need to make decisions and follow them. but i have no options that i can see to make decisions based on. it is very ... draining. i am in a position right now where i am suffocating in lack of adventure, community, and a certain form of support. and it has made life a little weary. sleeping is difficult to do - not because i am tired, but because i feel like i am wasting time. but while i am awake, i have nothing to do. nothing to work for.

i need to breathe.

not like this, not like i had intended for this break.

i need to breath ...

life again.

i cannot wait to see a certain two loves in a couple of weeks again. and after that, i cannot wait to re-enter that community for a fourth time. but i know this time it will be very different than ever before. surrounded by different people, but people i am excited to invest in and get to know more and more. excited to share in their dreams and find out how i can be involved in them. to hear how the Beloved is speaking to them and how they are working His Love in this world. i hope this will begin yet another adventure in this life, and perhaps give me the clarity and hope i am asking for.

so in short ... i need to get back to california. if i had it my way, i would be driving there tomorrow. i have a backpack full of clothes and a box full of books for my backseat. my cameras spread across the car. and an atlas for my lap. maybe a little gas money would help, but besides that, i am craving the company of my community yet again.

i am seeking new life. i am afraid that it is on hold until i return to the coast. how do i make it begin now? otherwise, i am treading water in a pool of expectations for another two weeks. i need to challenge myself while wading in this pool. while waiting for a new life yet again.

time to create a new adventure.

oh, boy.
k.

p.s. i need to hear a certain voice soon. i ache.

dearest ic family.

so here i am, finally at 'home'. after a beautiful few months on the road, a crazy week of debriefing, and then an epic road trip up the coast, i have made it back to iowa where i intend to spend a couple of weeks. and then i hope to figure out this thing called life.

anyways.

this past week, i spent a dream week traveling through a place that is only comparable to neverland: the california coast. i traveled with three dear friends, and it was nothing short of epic, amazing, and life-changing. but the brutal fact is that at some point, i have to return to reality. and so i did. it came as i could hardly tear myself away from a dear teammate on the streets of san francisco, clung to another at the airport, and could barely let go of a friend as i departed for my flight.

as i sat on the flight, ironically returning from san francisco to a place i had just come from (by the name of los angeles), i continued thinking. i began to realize the full impact of being alone for the first time ... in a really long time. for the first time, i didn't have my friends with me. i didn't have them with me to tell me i was being stupid, that i was being emotional, that i was talking too loudly on a dune while tresspassing. i didn't have them with me to make me laugh, to show me how to live, to be my supports.

frankly, i felt very, very alone.

as i flew out of california, i began a list of things that i thought about. a kind of stream-of-consciousness thing. what went through my mind as i was shedding this era of my life. i will spare you the gory deatils, but it basically states the obvious: i miss you, you, and you. and especially you. i wish i could have stated the unsaid, but i am just too afraid. that i don't want a normal life (brought to light by the immense amount of business men and women around me). i still had sand on me from the california beaches. that i kept crying. and oh wait, i miss you guys.

and also, that i finally remembered that only HE is enough.

so as i sit here at home, with - for the moment - only my cat as a companion, i miss you all. so much more than i can say. i miss the life we have led together for the past few months, especially for the past week. and i wish that some things didn't have to change, and that we would never have to be jerked out of neverland. i wish that i didn't regress back into who i was before all this life came to culmination, but i fear that i can already feel it beginning. i wish i didn't have to fear what we will become in the future. and i wish that i could tell you all what you mean to me, but i am not sure how to do that. i am not good at expressing my feelings, especially to the people who mean the most to me.

but as i prepare to step into this next stage - whatever it looks like - i know that i will never be able to forget the journey i have traveled the past few months. and more than that, i know i will never be able to forget the sweet, beautiful relationships i have found myself immersed in. yes, there were hard times. and yes, we disagree on some things. but the fact remains that the reason i fear of slipping back into who i was before is because i was changed by you. and i am beginning to see who i can become someday because you have challenged me. and forced me to grow. even when i wished i could just sit back and breathe for once.

i cannot tell you who i will become. and i cannot tell you if we will be friends in another month, year, or ten years from now. but i do know that these past few months have meant more to me than a culmination of several years of my life. i know that i have grown more in the past few months than i have in the most formative years of my life. that i was challenged more than i have ever been. that i will miss you all more than i have ever missed anyone before.

i have begun to experience what community is. what being transparent, honest, and open is like. and what beauty and relief that brings. i know this community is not perfect, but it is the closest i have ever been to seeing the face of God on this earth. because i know in my heart that He rests and resides in this place. and i know that He is planning something huge for this world with and because of the people involved in this movement.

so thank you, beloved friends. i cannot imagine who i would be right now without you all in my life. you have made me into more of me than i have ever been in my life. you have challenged me to live free and to live full. you have made me realize that i need to start living intentionally, and to not rest in that aspiration.

i love you all.
so, so much.

(this is especially for my dear team: suzi, filipe, and kevin. i don't know if i can get the courage to actually send this to you ... )

change begins.

so the adventure has ended.
an era has ended in my life.
and i am not sure what to do now.

i am home for a couple of weeks, which i suppose is a good thing. it is beautiful to see my family again, and i am excited to see my friends throughout the midwest. truly.

but to wake up in the morning - or afternoon - and not have anything to do, not have my dear friends to turn to, not have any adventure to begin, is more than slightly overwhelming.

for the past four months, i have either woken up in a house of over fifty people, in a stranger's home that is housing my three closest loves, or in a car with three incredible friends. believe me when i tell you that waking up alone and without this close, tight-knit group is much, much harder than i anticipated.

i discovered while on tour that i want to be around people who make me alive. i need it in order to grow. i need to keep growing, to keep being challenged, to be around the people who do those things to me. here at home, i hate to say it, but i am not around those people. i have friends that i will visit that wake me up in certain areas of growth and in my life, but i am too easily complacent here. it is too simple for me to slip back into a period in my life that i simply do not want to revisit.

but it is not home that i fear the most, as it is here that i am only visiting. soon i will return to san diego for an untold amount of time, and it is there that i am seeking refuge and solace in order to process this life i have lived for the past few months. and it is here that i hope to continue to grow and seek guidance for my future.

but again ... i want to be around those who make me alive. who make me grow. who make me ... me. but i fear that i have lost those people. one has gone to the desert: my source of comfort and wisdom. another has gone to san francisco: my source of challenge in knowledge and the way i act. and yet a precious another has retreated to the central valley of california: my source of joy, growth, frustration, and life.

so herein lies the dilemma. i can follow them. i really can. i am not connected anywhere, i have no commitments, save an apartment that i have already warned the residents that i may bail on. i have no job, no family, no real set of friends there.

or i can make my own life. i can separate myself from them, let them be themselves, and therein become myself ... in a way that is separate from them.

i know what i would like to do. it is so easy to be a leech. it is so easy to be the one that doesn't create her own path.

it is so simple to be that girl.

but then something can backfire. they may not stay there. i may rediscover yet again that they mean more to me than i mean to them. and then i may discover what i am realizing now - that i need to be my own person.

but how do i stay in their lives? i ten to be a little overbearing ... i tend to miss people more than they miss me. i tend to hurt ... and i ache right now. ache so much.

i miss them.

in the airport on the way home, a dear friend said to me that yes, this is difficult, and yes, this is a crazy transition. but to take comfort in the fact that God is a God of change.

damn it, ad, let me mope.

but i don't want to leave this era behind. but i must. someone must take my place in his life. and his. and hers. and that sucks. where will we all be a month from now?

i need you guys.
i miss you guys.
i love you all so damn much.
i am hurting without you.

it is time to begin a new era, but i am not sure what that will look like. all i know is that i must begin to live more intentionally, because i know that it is going to take more effort than ever to continue this growth. to not slip back into who i was before. because that darkness scares me. and i must begin to become myself. or continue becoming myself.

the processing has begun.

off to eat with my mother.
k.